Category: YKWIH?


And you thought the

And you thought the “bags of sand” comments were weird.

If you know me, you know that I’ve always cited online satirist George “Maddox” Ouzounian as one of my main inspirations in writing, comedy and shit-eating arrogance. Every once in a while, however, it happens that you find something out about one of your life-long objects of admiration that just makes you feel filthy. These past few months have been a textbook example of that.

Back in 2014, Maddox launched a podcast with Dax “Dick Masterson” Herrera of understandably controversial Men Are Better Than Women and Dr. Phil fame, titled The Biggest Problem in the Universe, and if you know the aftermath of that show’s conclusion in 2016, you know precisely what I’m on about. I’d like to talk about it real quick because (A) this shit needs to spread, and (B) this shit is right up there with LordKat’s dirt on the behind-the-scenes drama at Channel Awesome. You know, in case you’re so neck-deep in Internet bullshit that you care more about nonsense like this than whatever’s on Drama Alert.

But the stuff I’m about to tell you isn’t just a question of Markiplier and KSI having a childish tiff on Twitter, iDubbbz calling Leafy names, or Channel Awesome being a generally shit-tier business. This involves purposeful attempts to destroy people’s lives, implied rape accusations, mysteriously leaked personal information, and other super fun stuff. Continue reading

Advertisements
But muh childhood.

But muh childhood.

Harry Potter fans are the dog people of fandom. I want to go on record as saying that. I have rarely seen a fanbase as zealously protective of the thing they love since I heard a girl call someone mentally handicapped for not wanting to domesticate a drooling dumbass that chews on balls, whines if you won’t play with it and shits on your neighbor’s lawn. Dogs aren’t as clever as you think they are, guys. The case is often made that dogs are more intelligent than cats because they do as you say, even though NOT following commands is precisely what makes cats smarter. Or any creature for that matter.

For reference, here is a picture of a cute doggy.

For reference, here is a picture of a cute doggy.

Continue reading

I didn't know which one to pick.

I didn’t know which one to pick.

Anyone who whines about the weather can usually help themselves shut the fuck up in either of two ways: (1) wear more clothes, or (2), wear less. But sometimes that’s not sufficient advice. Sometimes people don’t want to make a change to the way they dress just because that’s what anyone with enough digits in their I.Q. would think to do when the temperature and weather conditions shift. Why? Well because there’s a thing called “fashion”.

If you tell someone that the solution to their oh so vexing problems of feeling “too cold” or “too hot” might have something to do with the fact that they wear torn jeans in the winter or dress in all black in the summer like they seriously think looking like Morticia Addams still intimidates people, know how these ungrateful jerks respond? That’s right, they start moaning about “aesthetic” and “fashion” and how no weather is powerful enough to prevent them from trying to look “fly as fuck” – in which “fly as fuck” usually means “too dumb and childish to willingly adapt to temperature” apparently. Continue reading

I posted the following on Twitter a long time ago because being a pessimistic asshole is severely underrated:

This was in reference to certain people, the majority of whom just happen to belong to the same generation as yours truly, who have been going out of their way lately to let others know how “boring” they truly are. The thing is, though, my generation is something that I have come to refer to as the “ADD generation” and so they have a very interesting view of what actually constitutes as being boring, i.e. pretty much anything that isn’t loud, obnoxious or stupid. Continue reading

Crawling in my skin, et cetera.

Crawling in my skin, et cetera.

I have recently found that few things turn people’s heads like pointing out that I sometimes like doing things alone. Sleeping, having dinner, watching movies; you name it! And isn’t that nice? Doing everything on your own terms and getting some peace and quiet every now and then? It’s awesome.

And yet, we have all these cryhards who are so turned off by the idea of doing things alone that you sound like an alien if you explain to them that eating dinner or seeing a movie solo is just as nice, if not NICER than doing it with other human beings. But oh hooo boy, those two don’t even hold a candle to the one that REALLY gets people’s panties in a bunch: telling them that you love to sleep alone. Continue reading

Twitter Accounts That Operate Like Facebook Pages
– A Modern Trend

If you haven’t been online recently, you won’t have noticed the increasing popularity of creating Twitter accounts that are similar to “Like”-pages on Facebook. Instead of representing a person, these accounts just provide a catchy title and a promise to younger users for an endless supply of funny content, “relatable” posts, and tired memes. This will often include shallow statements on such subjects as sex and relationships and other phylums of vapid bullshit that will render teenagers worldwide blindly obsessed with retweeting their inane material, even if they post content that has nothing to do with the title of their account, steal quotes, or impersonate celebrities. Trust a Twitter user; this shit is EVERYWHERE!

Being as I understand how teenagers work (an ability I take scarce pride in), I won’t say I’m shocked. I will say, however, that I am amused at how easy they evidently are to pander towards. They will retweet content from “Twitter Pages” in a heartbeat, as if their stuff really is deep, funny or original. Here’s a recent one I came across: Continue reading

First it was a question of whether Jean-Luc Picard was better than Captain Kirk. Then it was a question of who was the better Mystery Science Theatre 3000 host out of Joel and Mike. We Web nerds know how to turn trivial shit into some of the greatest debates in Internet history and the more recent one concerns the correct pronunciation of a certain filename extension for a certain bitmap image format. I am talking, of course, about the Gif. Continue reading

I can’t stand teenagers. And when I say teenagers I don’t necessarily refer to every teenager to ever have been a teenager. I say it in the same way that misanthropes like to boast their oh so edgy hatred of “people”. They don’t hate people. They just hate humanity as a species, but still recognize that good people exist and do good things for the world. I am, of course, feeling similarly about the species of teenagers.

I know some intelligent and/or lovable teenagers, but this is only because I choose my friends carefully. In general, however, adolescence tends to come with a variety of most loathesome side effects, ranging from beliefs that teens understand the world better than adults, beliefs that sex and drugs are going to solve everything in the world ever, beliefs that their problems are problems to anyone besides them, and of course, beliefs that movies are automatically better if they contain (a) boobies and guns, or (b) conventionally attractive males with prominent abdominal musculature. Couple that with some whining and obnoxious behaviour and you should probably have the stereotypical “Teenager” pictured in your mind.

Anyways, I read an article on Cracked the other day that explained why the Academy Awards don’t actually matter as much as people think. One reason for this is that the vast majority of those who pick out the annual Oscar nominees are old, white males. Now, I can understand that this lack of diversity makes one question what makes the Academy reliable in whom or what they regard as great, but I personally would rather put my trust in elderly men who have most likely read about and studied film for decades than I would those who determine the winners of, say, The Teen Choice Awards.

I'm talking about the kind of people who gladly give awards to shit like this.

I’m talking about the kind of idiots who gladly give awards to shit like this.

If you go and read about any annual Teen Choice Awards ceremony on Wikipedia, you’ll see from all the names mentioned that we’ve entered a whole other realm. Did you roll your eyes when finding out that High School Musical star Zac Efron of all people was chosen as a presenter at this year’s Oscar ceremony? Well, imagine a whole ceremony dedicated to actors like that. Are the movies mentioned there good? Are they bad? Does it matter? They contain things that teens, tweens, and whine-machines love (see above) and really, what do you need beyond that?

At least they let viewers vote, but you don’t need to be Roger Ebert to tell that these guys aren’t exactly, well, Roger Ebert. You can tell it’s not like they study film criticism, know anything about filmmaking or, given all the awards that have been blindly thrown at Bieber, possess the ability to recognize a shitty person. They mostly just give accolades to whatever sells, as if that somehow determines its quality, and will only occasionally reward something that’s actually well-made and artistically valuable.

How they, for instance, managed to see this in Black Swan when giving awards to a fucking Twilight movie the exact same year I do not know, but it could just be that Natalie Portman is really hot and so “that movie she was in that everyone talks about must be good”. I am one who understands that there’s more to that or any other film than the attractiveness of its stars, but I’m not sure if modern teens agree with me on this. They generally need very little besides the stuff that, well, is specifically manufactured to pander to their underdeveloped tastes.

Do you think a movie is better because it has cute boys in it? Wonderful. Rest assured that the rest of us are looking at you like this:

What I hate even more about teenagers is how cranky they tend to get when I point this out. They get so riled with me whenever I claim that something is “for kids” or “for teens” that I can’t bother thinking of a simile.

Contrary to their beliefs, I am not trying to insult their tastes when pointing out things like this. I’m simply acknowledging that teenagers, due to their developing senses of taste, are an easy demographic for major music companies and film studios to sell stuff to. Yes, if you’re a teen or a kid, chances are the stuff you like didn’t require a great deal of effort in order to please you, and that you like it simply because it contains elements you’ve been taught to approve of no matter where they appear – e.g. poop jokes, explosions or pretty boys ‘n girls. I don’t even blame you guys for this so much as I blame companies for taking advantage of you.

If you want a slightly more scientific method that explains why teenagers usually can’t be considered very bright – Ze Frank and Rainn Wilson, at your service:

There’s no use in being angry when someone is simply stating the fact that most of us aren’t very wise during our early years. I say this in a sardonic way, but the truth is that we all go through stupid phases when we’re teens. Have a laugh about them instead and do not be ashamed of the things you went through to become who you are.

We also grow out of them and some do so quickly. Even most of those that fit into the stereotypes I’m describing above will one day grow into something great of their own. We all get there. We’re just gonna be really obnoxious and dumb for a bit before our time comes.


UNRELATED: Yes, I read Cracked articles in my spare time. What of it, man?

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? – Fanboyism

In my “STOP overracting to negative criticism” post, I feel as though I did a decent job at expressing my annoyance with people who, upon finding something vaguely critical towards something they have decided to worship and adore in every conceivable aspect, promptly enter crybaby mode and try to give the critic a piece of their mind. Their irrational, overracting little mind.

This excessive, needless defensiveness comes from something known as “Fanboyism”, i.e. “being a fanboy”. And don’t get me wrong, fandom in its purest form, where a person likes something without letting themselves get too offended or feel as though they’re guilty of something whenever someone criticizes whatever it is they like – that stuff is completely fine! As long as you’re aware that I too am free to speak my mind on things I find mediocre, whether or not you disagree with me on my sentiment.

What I am talking about, however, is fandom in its most wretched form: fanboyism. In fact, terms like fanboys and fangirls should be exclusive to the particularly obnoxious and irritable fans, whereas calm and collected ones should be referred to simply as “fans”. After all, since the terms “fanboy” and especially “fangirl” are both regularly used on Tumblr, I can now pretty much conclude that fanboys/-girls are the kind of fans who typically do one/several/all of the following:

  1. Remain completely oblivious to the concepts of criticism and only ever think to criticize a show’s writing, for instance, when either a) a character they don’t want to die dies, or b) two random characters whom they want to have sex together don’t. Yeah, fuck those writers for not making the choices your bizarre sex fantasies want them to do with characters they own and created. How fucking dare they? Don’t these people have any shame? God, it makes you want to stab something!
  2. Write fan fiction where all of that shit actually happens. Nothing says “I love this show” more than correcting it to match your idea of what it should actually be like, am I  right?
  3. Get angry when some mean doodoo-head like me comes along and criticizes something actually worth critcizing, like sappy storylines, bad acting or bad music. (Trust me, the fangirls of musicians will gladly provide you some of the worst and most obnoxious shit in the history of fandoms.)
  4. Stop watching Doctor Who because Peter Capaldi isn’t as young and sexy as David Tennant or Matt Smith. These are the same kind of people who only watch Supernatural to reblog cute images of the fucking Winchesters. I don’t watch Supernatural, but all these fucking Tumblr idiots have made me doubt that it actually has a plot. But I digress.
  5. The Transformers movies. Somehow just mentioning those feels like I’ve said more than enough.

Calm and mature fans, in my opinion, are individuals who can enjoy a smart, well-made show for what it is, excuse whatever flawed aspects they choose to acknowledge, respect the choices made by its creators unless they actually legitimately damage the show itself as opposed to only your goddamn feelings*, discuss the show in-depth with one another and not bother anyone. Unless it’s something friendly like sharing trivia that people don’t care about but you share anyway because you’re just so darn passionate about it.

Faboyism isn’t passionate. Fanboyism is psychotic. Or at the very least really damn annoying. Be a fan. Not a fanboy.

*feels, for those of you who speak non-fanboy English.

shhh2

Yes, I hate censorship!

Sounds pretty basic, right? I mean who doesn’t cringe at the thought of hearing that there may or may not be a new SOPA-esque bill coming soon that eradicates everything that everyone likes about the Internet? Who doesn’t get mad upon hearing some preachy idiot denying you your freedom of speech? Indeed, I think we all get pretty mad at censorship sometimes, but there’s something in particular that baffles me entirely about the whole thing.

Depending on how young the demographic for a piece of work is, the heavier its censorship tends to be. When little children grow up, there are numerous lies we tell them in order not to fracture their innocent little souls, which I assume is a priorety more important than actually teaching them how the world works.

I mean, fine, if you want to remove content like nudity and profanity I can understand it, since I too enjoy me an innocently wholesome film from time to time. However, when the rules of the censors become extreme, I just get outright annoyed. There are many TV shows aimed at children in which every reference to death has been edited out, because, if I understand the logic correctly, children shouldn’t know anything about death until they’re old enough to think that maybe, just maybe grandpa didn’t just get magically transported to the realm of some bearded, genocidal maniac in the sky.

Why not teach them that every human has an expiration date? Are you really afraid they’ll instantly lose their shit even if you inform them that theirs is many years into the future. I learned about death after I lost my grandfather, which was when I was only 2. Why there are other children who had to go their first few years blisfully unaware of that life has an inevitable end is beyond me.

WARNING: I am about to mention something that will REALLY harm your kids! Proceed with caution.

And speaking of things that kids should probably learn about while they’re still learning and haven’t yet been transformed into annoying, defiant little shitheads, let’s talk about homosexuality. We’re trying to create a world where homosexuality is considered just as normal as heterosexuality, right? Precisely, so why, I wonder, do we not only often wait with informing our kids that being gay is a possibility, but also censor homosexuality from children’s programming?

Seriously, whenever there is a kid’s show that makes at least a subtle hint at homosexual characters, guess which show gets immediately placed in the “Getting Crap Past The Radar” category on TvTropes? For those of you who don’t know, that category is intended for TV shows that often sneakily insert a lot of naughty humour, dirty references and offensive things with just enough subtlety that the censors won’t notice.

What I’m wondering is how two men or two women simply being together counts as something that’s perverted, offensive and naughty? If we are forced to put all the homosexuals in all the children’s cartoons into nothing more than the occasional subtle in-joke that kids would never understand, how are we supposed to raise kids into thinking that homosexuals are part of the norm? Sorry guys, but there is really something wrong with how you’re doing this!

Gayness isn’t “dirty” or “naughty” or “so offensive that it has to be censored from kid’s shows”. Why can’t we just be honest with the people who will take over after we’re all dead? Why can’t we tell them how the world works and prepare them more properly? Why can’t TV shows aimed at them stop being idiotic and be honest about concepts such as death, love and life itself? Oh, I’ll tell you why:

TV

P.S. How much you wanna bet I’ll be forced to delete this article some day?