Category: Song Commentaries

To perspectivize the level of “out of ideas” man is currently at, I’d just like to sum up what some of the most popular things on the Internet are right now. We have dipshits recording themselves as they sit completely still and react to content that they have no permission to use, adding far less to the experience than they (amazingly) believe; then there’s a guy who copies other people’s YouTube videos in their entirety and uploads them to Facebook in what doesn’t even resemble Fair Use and still makes money off it. Then we have all those interchangeable YouTube channels that comment on various topics while unrelated gaming footage plays in the background, and of course there’s always a Keemstar. Oh and those “Elsa meets Spider-Man” videos still exist so fuck everything, right?

But there is one newcomer to the world of YouTube fame that I have yet to cover. Someone who  could only be exalted to this stupendous a level of popularity on a website where this dude has the largest number of fans. I’m talking about Jacob Sartorius, a strapping young man and aspiring “swag douche” (I assume) who proves that anything is possible if you know how to do random bullshit in front of an iPhone camera and also have a wealthy lineage. I don’t think it’d be controversial to point out that Jacob’s fame doesn’t exactly stem from his being the quintessence of all things talented. Continue reading


[NOTE: Back when I first published this analysis, I wrote “YouTube link to the track will be posted when made available” but I had no idea the video would be this horrifying. Sorry.]

These are polarizing times, dear readers. When someone as notoriously detached from all things human as Kanye West publicly makes spiteful comments in order to get under a skin as penetrable as that of Taylor Swift, it’s hard to know who to root for as the music world erupts into flame. A lot people have gone on record as saying that Kanye has officially “lost it” by now, and those of us who are a little more observant have an expectedly hard time telling what it is he’s lost and what it was he had. Continue reading

You’ve all heard the news, ladies and gentlemen! You’ve all heard the big, grand-tacular story of how Justin Bieber, the Internet’s favorite punching bag, made a huge “comeback” recently with a series of tracks which prove that he has officially stopped sucking; primarily as a musician but perhaps also as a human being. At least that’s what fans and media outlets that care about Justin Bieber say. The rest of us seem under no impression that he either “came back” or went anywhere in the first place.

Nevertheless, lots of astute listeners have claimed that Bieber’s latest hits, including the aptly named “Sorry”, are not only better than his other songs but legitimately good songs. While I definitely found it somewhat catchy when I heard it passively on the car radio, I decided to see how it holds up in terms of lyrics. So without further ado, let us take a closer look at the writing of what I assume is Bieber’s apology for everything. I mean, I’m sure this marvel reaches out to more people than just generic, non-specific teen girls who are meant to feel like the song is somehow about them, right? Maybe that’s why people praise it – because JB has achieved consciousness and evolved past the stage of “carefully manufactured pawn in the music industry’s scheme to tap into the adolescent female’s superficial desires and make some quick bucks”? Show me what you got, Beaker! Continue reading


The Minaj apologists of the Internet got a major zerg rush earlier this year. They finally got to prove to us peasants once and for all what a queen she is when she got to do a hip-hop collaboration with none other than Beyoncé muthafuckin’ Knowles – the ultimate female-empowering, black-empowering, whatever-empowering muthafuckin’ queen of them all! Yaaas! Hella! Fuckin’ flawless bish yaaas, fab af tbh YAAAS! And also “fleek”.

So naturally, now that Stinky Minaj has cooperated with the one singular musician in the entire physical realm that no one has any logical reason whatsoever to NOT be a slobbering fan of, mean poopy-brains like me have no choice but to recognize Onika as the godsend she is. That is, of course, until we stop and actually ask ourselves: hey, wait a sec, why exactly do we hail Beyoncé as the apotheosis of perfection and flawlessness again? Continue reading

“I felt so bombarded with everything that people were expecting, but this time I care less about the acceptance and more about me being the lyrical ill bitch that I am. Knowing that I am lyrically better than most of the male rappers out there—yes, I’m gonna say it—I don’t get the credit that I deserve… When I look at my verses and the wordplay and the metaphors and all that stuff, outside of a hot new artist or a hot new song, I’ve put in my work lyrically, people act like it doesn’t exist.” – Nicki Minaj, 2013

That is a real quote. That is an actual string of words that Nicki Minaj – yes, this Nicki Minaj – used her mouth to form. She is lyrically better than most of the male rappers out there. Again: lyrically better than most of the male rappers out there. She doesn’t get the credit that she deserves for her verses.

One more time. She (Nicki Minaj). Is lyrically. Better. Than most of the male rappers out there. … *sigh* Ladies and gentlemen: Continue reading

Jennifer Lopez releases her first big hit since “Taco Flavored Kisses” and even though it was initially a collaboration between her and Pitbull, it’s this newer version with all of Pitbull’s lines being sung by none other than Nicki Minaj’s #1 nemesis herself, Iggy Azalea, that everyone seems to be talking about. The hit in question is “Booty” and being as Minaj’s recent magnum opus “Anaconda” dealt with a concept very similar to that of “Booty”, people are now arguing avidly about who’s the best. As in: who’s the one true master of songs about booties? Great subject of debate, huh?

The implied insult to human intelligence here is that we’re supposed to take either of these braindead songs seriously enough to actually form legitimate discussions about which woman sings about her buttcheeks the best. And we do, we actually fucking do discuss it. You’ll see plenty of people debating this shit online without looking for too long. Some people think the other is empowering while another one is racist. Some say that Iggy’s not as good as the media says, and that people only like her more than Nicki (which I don’t) because Iggy’s not black and everyone that dislikes Nicki is racist. Nicki’s bad, Iggy’s good, Nicki’s the best, Iggy’s shit, YADDAH-YADDAH-YADDAH! As for me personally, allow me to summarize my standpoint thusly:

This took me six months to make.

This took me six months to make.

Continue reading

No, I’m not gonna bail out this time. I’m gonna sit through the whole thing like the sucker for agony I am. It’s time to take a look at the lyrics of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda”, a song that makes me hope that more mothers continue to let their children listen to Nicki Minaj’s sexual, explicit lyrics on the basis that she’s such a nice role model or something. Because let me tell ya, “Anaconda” is her child-friendliest masterpiece yet.

There’s a version of this video that I like slightly more than the one above because it contains a random Mystery Science Theatre 3000 reference, which is awesome, but I decided not to share that one because I wanted to stay angry for the remainder of the commentary. It’s more fun that way. Continue reading

Iggy Azalea, not to be confused with that one cartoon cat that chases cockroaches, is an American singer that has risen to prominence, not only thanks to her song “Fancy”, but also thanks to her feud with America’s most adorable excuse for a contribution to the world of lyrical profundity: Nicki Minaj. Apparently the latter is critical of the former’s work, as if her getting put in the American Idol jury as the U.S.A’s prank on themselves suddenly makes her qualified to judge anyone.

For realsies, though, maybe Minaj is right about Azalea? She very well could be, which is why I bring you this episode of Song Commentaries. Surely, if it’s bad enough that even Nicki Minaj looks upon it with disdain, it must be bad enough to warrant a spot on one of my Commentary segments too, right? Right. Let’s see how it is… Continue reading

Y’know, I didn’t think about it until now, but most of Patrice Wilson’s disturbingly awful music videos starring untalented tweens have displayed a puzzling lack of boys in the past, haven’t they? It’s usually been girls doing the “singing” or whatever you call the noises we’ve heard these tweens emit thus far. However, as of a little number he produced last year, “Girlfriend” (as well as the more recent “Spins Me Round”, which I was initially going to write this commentary for, but couldn’t find a decent lyrics sheet for) we have a little bit more variety. The singer is Griffin Tucker and he is in fact a boy. Continue reading

Hi, i’m cutie-da-bootie. i’m the white teenaje gIrl who stands in for vIcTor when hes not available for blogin. u might rememver me from mt reviewz of sandler’s mast and my asdjaöldkjaölskj cute epics movie ever high school musikal. ❤

but dtoday i’m gonna be in charj of one off his song comentaeris. these r SUPPOSE to mak fun of terrible muszik but wai the fuck does he then mak fun of somany aweseome musicians liek Nicki Menadge<3 and Justeng brb? Ha! i think its tiEm for me 2 fix this bai lookin at the lurics of a sogn that ACTUALY IS sucks. this one:


How Fortunate The Man With None

(lol, i don even kno what dat means. dum shit)

You saw sagacious Solomon
You know what came of him,
To him complexities seemed plain.
He cursed the hour that gave birth to him
And saw that everything was vain.
How great and wise was Solomon.

who da fuk is Solomonder? Is he hawt? Does his dik big?-. were iS the paert thAts tells me i’m beauutifl??! anD weres all da seX?? one sentince into the song and itt has alreddi faiLed.,! Wow… ‘-.-

And wat the hell dos complecsitys mean? lol, i bet whiever rwote this needs to geth leid! fuackimg loser

The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It’s wisdom that had brought him to this state.
How fortunate the man with none.

Liek… wha the FUCK? Are u KIDDIN me?? This isent how u write a fukking song! Where da fuck is all the uh, oh yeah, and aaa-aah sounds? How ids any normal person liek me sUpposed to understAnd thiS dum crap?? ugh. gay

You saw courageous Caesar next
You know what he became.
They deified him in his life
Then had him murdered just the same.

Ew no not murder. wtf guys? look, songs are mentT to be about boys n clothEs n sumtymes twerkin. omg U stupid guys fael as sonGwraiterz. get a life lol 😛

And as they raised the fatal knife
How loud he cried: you too my son!
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It’s courage that had brought him to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.

boo! boo! use simpler engLesh u idits. no one is gunna liek ur sonfg if u put poetic effort intuh it. wrieting isn’T aboot efort you fukking shitheads!!1! its abot sexing bois and havin butts dat eithEr jiggle or hav cute jeanz aroundD them. i canr belive im expleaining this to u morans.

You heard of honest Socrates
The man who never lied:

no i never herd of no soXcrates? is he from jerSey shorte? if de answes no, why da fuk shood i caer??1

but u wana know some1 who REALY never lies? Onision. <33333 I kno he doesnt. he saiD so in a videO on utube. see? proof. i logic know how to do

They weren’t so grateful as you’d think
Instead the rulers fixed to have him tried
And handed him the poisoned drink.
How honest was the people’s noble son.

HonEst? liek onision? oh i get it, finally sumthing i can underStandD. now ure at least trieing, dead can dancez.

The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It’s honesty that brought him to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.

but the song styll sux. sorri guys

Here you can see respectable folk
Keeping to God’s own laws.
So far he hasn’t taken heed.
You who sit safe and warm indoors
Help to relieve our bitter need.
How virtuously we had begun.

Uuuugh stupi d big words tryking to soUwdnd smart. u not smaert. u stupid. HA! PWNED! ASLKDJALKFSJAÖL

The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It’s fear of god that brought us to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.



if u liekd dis songf, u are a fedore mra whO wants to soUnd smartar than uS nicki manje fans/blibeers. Yeah! EXPOSED, BITCH. gO home an cry because im bettr than u. lol kthnxbai

ps, i don wanT to fahk the new guy who plaes doctor who so the shOew sucks now.