Now excuse me while I dab at some imaginary Pokémon from my hoverboard and capture them on an exploding Samsung phone that plays decibel-boosted, bass-boosted, auto-tuned “n*gga trap” and hilarious 6 second videos about white shoes whilst literal clowns (and Harley Quinns) chase after me and I contemplate the fact that a borderline fascist babyman is the most powerful person in America even though I could have sworn Ghostbusters defeated sexism, all before I purchase a ticket for Remake 2: The Sequel, “challenge” my friends to stand completely still, marvel at how much cooler my selfies get when I add a dog nose, publish a think piece about how emojis and unfunny frog memes are the most racist thing to have happened all year, twerk to Rihanna’s “Gibberish”, and also mourn all the influencial celebrities that left us this year – none of which hit me as hard as that one gorilla whose name I can’t remember.

H A P P Y   N E W   Y E A R ,   H U M A N I T Y .   G O O D   J O B !

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