Well folks, it’s confirmed! All the 4chan regulars and Extremely Manly Males who kept chanting the statement “when Trump wins” (surrounding clauses may vary) whenever liberal opinions would rustle their jimmies were evidently not bullshitting us after all.

Now, I know that I’ve said some disparaging shit about Donald Trump in the past. You’re probably expecting me to complain incessantly about what a dark time this is for the economy, non-white Americans, women, immigrants, citizens with disabilities, anyone in the LGBT community that isn’t named Milo, and trigglypuffs. I won’t do that, though, as I my views are no longer influenced by unreliable news websites with political biases or agendas. Instead, I get all my facts exclusively from right-wing outlets and libertarian podcasts, hence I can briefly cover the U.S. election aftermath without clouded judgement and with the understanding that Mr. Trumpet is the best president to ever be voted into office ever. In the Universe.

With that said, however, I do have a few questions for Trump fans, just to make sure my mind is absolutely scrubbed clean of bias:

  1. But at least women got to be Ghostbusters, right?

    But at least women got to be Ghostbusters, right?

    Is it possible that the leftist media is lying about Trump winning to garner sympathy and leftover votes for Hillary Clinton? Is the election still going on in secret? I ask this because of the seemingly popular belief amongst alt-right persons, Trump supporters and people who draw Minecraft anime that everyone who even remotely disagrees with them is in on a conspiracy to destroy society, kill Western culture by letting immigrants in everywhere, and also something-something feminism. If this is true and the mainstream media is in on it, can we really trust that they’re even telling the truth about the ultimate election results?

  2. Why is the oft-mentioned appeal of Trump that he “tells it like it is” when fact-checkers keep discovering lies and misinformation in even his most basic statements/tweets? Is this guy the Onision of politicians or am I just not fully getting it yet?
  3. Look, I already hear you loud and clear. Hillary’s a robotic criminal who wanted to jumpstart World War III, has sent emails in private, and whose husband has done far more depraved sexual shit than anything Trump ever implied he can get away with by virtue of the fact that he owns money. I get that nobody hates Trump because of his political incompetence, his hypocrisy, his childlike narcissism, his con artistry, his outlandish/Holocaust-esque policies, his trigger happiness, his anti-intellectualism (e.g. climate change denial and refusal to fact-check stats), the recent reports of him having raped a 13-year-old, or the ragging he’s done on women’s appearances whilst simultaneously looking the way he does. I gotcha! But is it still possible that there’s a tad more to disliking him than him just having said things that have made people “butthurt”? Please respond.
  4. Are you aware that the “America, Fuck Yeah” song from Team America is in fact satirical and not intended for actual purposes of celebration? Note: It’s funnier if you say no.
  5. Final question: Will you download my Age of Empires II mod with new units like the Social Justice Woad Raider and the White Longsword Knight that can only be stopped when a player with less gold somehow builds a fortified wall for you? This isn’t a shameful plug, right?

“Oh, they’re not sobbing because Trump will fuck shit up? They just really wanted me, a cringey war-mongerer, as the first female president because ‘that’ll show the patriarchy’? K.”

Just to be semi-serious for a second, I get that this day brought a lot of people sadness and outright fear for their future (even if Trump drops out after the epiphany that he has completely misunderstood what a president actually does, VP Mike “Pray and/or electrocute the Gay away” Pence is worse yet). My advice is to either maintain a glimmer of optimism and keep fighting whatever battles mean the most to you, or you can do what I do and be sad and afraid EVERY day of EVERY year and give in to the futility. Either way, take care and try to find comfort in the fact that this is bound to be the greatest 4 years of satire in human history. See ya soon!

EDIT: Also, real quick:

Meanwhile, four years ago:


At last we agree, Trump. At last we agree. Also, boy was that a good John Oliver episode.