To perspectivize the level of “out of ideas” man is currently at, I’d just like to sum up what some of the most popular things on the Internet are right now. We have dipshits recording themselves as they sit completely still and react to content that they have no permission to use, adding far less to the experience than they (amazingly) believe; then there’s a guy who copies other people’s YouTube videos in their entirety and uploads them to Facebook in what doesn’t even resemble Fair Use and still makes money off it. Then we have all those interchangeable YouTube channels that comment on various topics while unrelated gaming footage plays in the background, and of course there’s always a Keemstar. Oh and those “Elsa meets Spider-Man” videos still exist so fuck everything, right?

But there is one newcomer to the world of YouTube fame that I have yet to cover. Someone who  could only be exalted to this stupendous a level of popularity on a website where this dude has the largest number of fans. I’m talking about Jacob Sartorius, a strapping young man and aspiring “swag douche” (I assume) who proves that anything is possible if you know how to do random bullshit in front of an iPhone camera and also have a wealthy lineage. I don’t think it’d be controversial to point out that Jacob’s fame doesn’t exactly stem from his being the quintessence of all things talented.

human fetusAs of this writing, Sartorius of Akkad has moved on from doing Vines where he lip syncs to trendy rap songs and attempted to, oh you know, actually make something. That something is a song known simply as “Sweatshirt” and the fact that the music video currently has 13 million views would be moderately promising if I didn’t know that most of the viewers (that aren’t paedos or girls who still can’t do algebra) are probably people who watch it ironically and later plan on mocking it by using it in memes/Instagram videos that look shitty on purpose (if 2016 doesn’t become known as the Golden Dark Age of Internet culture, I will be genuinely shocked).

Whatever the case, it’s my turn. Get ready to swoon like the pubescent 12-year-olds you are and not cringe in the slightest!


Chillin’ with a hair tie, no makeup,
with some sweatpants on
You know I can always be that guy
You can think about be me all night long

I always love listening to songs that start with a 14-year-old boy with “no makeup” giving me the go-ahead to think about him as I go to sleep tonight. I didn’t have the courage to open up Sartorius’ video statistics to see whether I’m right that not all his fans are young and that not all of them are girls, but little is left to the imagination here.

But I think you need something to think of me
Something that will keep you warm
And show you we can be more than just this
So baby if you are not ready for my kiss

You don’t mean…

Then you can wear my sweatshirt
And you can tell your friends we’ll be together till the end
Girl you can wear my sweatshirt
Cause you’re the only one I hold and I don’t want you to be cold
So baby wear my…

I like how this is another one of those love songs that by design is meant to appeal to as many lonely tweens that listen to it as possible, except this one encourages the tween in question to outright make all her friends jealous by informing them that the one and only Jacob Sartorius wants to lend her clothes. I’m imagining a scenario where a little girl who just heard the song does exactly that, resulting in she and her friends engaging in a heated argument about which one of them the song is actually about (pro-tip: it’s none of them). Then they can proceed to obliterate each other in a comedic Billy and Mandy-esque fashion because the less the merrier.

When you go to sleep at night,
when you wake up in the morning
And when you walk the halls see girl
you know you wanna flaunt it

So the premise here is that the girl is so proud of getting to wear clothes that belong to Jacob Fucking Sartorius that she just has to flaunt it as she walks the halls at school? You always were rather impressed with yourself, weren’t you, Littlefinger?

Also, to comment on the video itself for a second: all I know is that I’m gonna fondly remember it. The vomitous cinematography, the embarrassingly shitty stop-motion animation of a shirt crawling across the floor (which doesn’t match the look of the rest of the video in any way), the dance moves that seem to have escaped an Everything is Terrible skit, and also that one overacting teacher dude who tells Jacob’s bully to quit picking on him during the intro. I have never sided with a story’s antagonist this intensely.

By the way, Jacob’s face throughout the vid makes me question his previous claims of wearing no makeup. I’ve seen Gelflings that look more real than this kid.


Oh yeah! Take that, my favorite movie! That’ll teach you.


Said this may be the start of something new
Girl I’m gonna tell you exactly
what I wanna do is more than just this
So baby if you are not ready for my kiss

It’s like someone wrote down a bunch of shit teenage heart-throbs usually sing about on tiny pieces of paper, threw them in a hat, ate the hat, and then shat all over a keyboard. It might have happened differently, I don’t know.

Then you can wear my sweatshirt
And you can tell your friends we’ll be together till the end

Again with the encouragement of gloating. I’ve already made a joke about this so let’s move on.

Girl you can wear my sweatshirt
Cause you’re the only one I hold and I don’t want you to be cold
So baby wear my and you can wear my sweatshirt
And I don’t want you to be cold

Girl is cold, boy has warm shirt, boy gives girl warm shirt, the end. Quite the storyline ya got there, Jacob. Haven’t seen this kind of rising tension since The Hateful Eight.

Now I get that Jacob Sartorius is rich and that money is the only thing that matters in the entire world and all that. But I can’t help but feel like watching this child grow up and look back at the things he did/said/produced/sang/tweeted during his days of glory will be fascinating to follow. If we’re very lucky, he might even join a support group alongside Jaden Smith and MattyBRaps.