It is high time to answer more questions about myself, particularly if you consider the fact that I haven’t done one of these since the spring of 2014. But then again, I suppose it also depends on whether or not any of my very few followers give a shit about these Q&A posts. I mean, I only write about things that will get me many readers, right? Why would I write something simply because I feel like it? On that exact note, let’s get to some questions.


“Oh, did you write about [insert subject here] just so you could get a juicy and topical story for your blog? It’s so obvious.”

This is a summation of a question/accusation that shows up in a lot of the Hate Mail I get from angry idiots of most persuasions. Nevermind the fact that I run a non-monetized blog and have literally no incentive to write things just because I know it’ll get me hits. Either way, I only blog about shit I find interesting and have actual opinions on – hell, it doesn’t even need to be relevant for me to actually want to post about it.

When the big YouTube drama involving Tobuscus’ rape allegations took place, I ignored it so that I could write about Avatar and the four sequels that have (stupidly enough) been announced for it. And then when “YouTube Drama” itself became a hot topic, I only mentioned it briefly in this totally irrelevant article I wrote about random YouTubers that I like ironically. The post after that was just me having a go at some Danish film critic who thinks I’m dumb for not liking The Lawnmower Man and playing too many video games. Not exactly a surefire post to get me views, is it dumbass? Maybe there’s another reason I write stuff after all, huh?

I also haven’t talked about that gorilla that hit his wife or the Hollywood actor who got shot after a kid crawled into his pen, so there. I might be getting those stories slightly mixed up but see, that’s how little I care. Now go away. Next question.

NOTE: I didn’t write about the h3h3productions copyright lawsuit either, nor have I mentioned how it ultimately resulted in a campaign to help Fair Use on YouTube, but that’s one of the few things I feel in hindsight like I should have mentioned. So now I do. Click the video above for more backstory.

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“Why the fuck would you not like Nicki Minaj? Is it only because of her sexual image, as if that’s a bad thing?”

You nailed it, you blatant Strawperson you! It’s not automatically a bad thing, nor is it automatically a great thing. It’s almost as if you can make music that sounds like ass no matter how far up YOUR ass you got your diamond-encrusted thong that says “yas kween” on the front.

I admit to having previously had some relatively “prude” opinions against Nicki Minaj. Back in the day, I would have asked parents if they would want someone who puts such an emphasis on sex and vulgarity to be a role model to their children. Having since realized that there’s nothing inherently bad about sex and that childhood innocence was pretty much a dead concept to begin with (I know I cursed like a sailor when I was 8), I have changed my mind. Now I instead ask parents whether they would want their children’s intellects to be “enriched” by someone who sings about how big her ass cheeks are and gets sad when people won’t call it art.

Remember, she doesn’t get the credit she deserves for the effort she puts into her lyrics. People just don’t get it, do they?

Why do I get the feeling she's trying to cash in on the popularity of mine and Raouf's favorite party song?

Why do I get the feeling she’s trying to cash in on the popularity of mine and Raouf’s favorite party song?

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“In your CarpenThor videos, what does the T in Jesus T. Christ stand for?”

Trevor or Tittyfucking. Depends on what you’re into.

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“Why do you tend to dislike vegans so much? Have your encounters with them really been so nasty?”

The ones that do it to simply help the environment and to stay healthy (in spite of all the non-beef things that are likely to give them cancer) are not the vegans I shit on. The ones that get hit are vegans like Onision, or this one poorly selected friend of mine who recently instigated a shitstorm on Facebook in the form of a rambling screed about how everyone on the planet is supposed to be vegan/vegetarian and everyone who isn’t is an idiot. Predictably, she felt as though she was being harassed when people started arguing with her and critiquing her claim (what dicks!) and even more predictably she took out the ban hammer when this one guy went as far as to post links and sources that supported his argument. All the contemptible shit she and her friends said about him in response was okay, though, because of course it was.

What was especially funny was the way she and her circle-jerk of equally sanctimonious vegan dipshits started verbally attacking the meat-eaters who infested her comment section with their pesky counter-points and statistics. She referred to them as “cancer” and used various other words that are popular within the community of Filthy Frank fans, which both she and her vegan friends clearly are, based on their other Facebook posts. So of course my entire life improved when their messianic meme mentor’s latest YouTube video revolved entirely around his complete hatred of vegans (I think its title says enough to keep any vegan fan from staying in denial):

None of them have posted any Pink Guy memes since then and it somewhat supports a theory I’ve had about vegans for a long time.

Vegans crumble upon the realization that someone they can relate and look up to, be it new friends or YouTube comedians who throw furniture and spaghetti at each other, was a meat-eater the entire time. It’s like they can’t fathom the concept of a good, funny and intelligent person that isn’t a vegetarian or vegan. It makes sense; a safe space doesn’t really work when one of your main sources of escapism therein, namely Papa Franku, suddenly makes fun of YOU instead of people you disagree with (bringing to mind all the political correctness advocates who stopped loving South Park as soon the satire was at their expense). It’s like confirmation bias but with deliberately retarded Internet comedy in the stead of scientific evidence.

This first became clear to me when I started befriending a vegan girl in film school and chose not to spill the beans about what I eat until we reached a point where she started to like and respect me – which, judging some of the remarks I’ve heard and read from vegans, she could never have done if she knew about that one aspect of my existence from the get-go. When I then made a snide vegan joke in passing, I could just see in her eyes how her brain did a double take at the sight of a decently smart person who eats steak without feeling guilty of rapemurder and generally doesn’t agree with vegan ideology all that much. She looked equal parts betrayed and on the verge of realizing something about herself (though I would guess she instead ran with the narrative that I’m a disappointment who oughta know better and went to her friends at PETA and Vegan Sidekick for comfort).

It’s the best thing that’s happened to me since Tommy Wiseau’s birth.

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“Follow-up question: don’t YOU get upset when a humorist or television show that you mostly agree with suddenly makes fun of YOUR passions and opinions?”

No.

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“What are your plans for the summer you lazy fuck?”

I’ve got tons of movies to review (Turtles 2, Ghostbusters: The Flame Wars, Independance Day For Some Reason Strikes Back, Suicide Squad Goals, Now You See Sequels, maybe Warcraft…), a Kraftwerk concert I might attend, and also books I intend to finish/read beside the family pool (Red Dwarf: Better Than Life, House of Leaves, Brian Froud’s Trolls). But I’ll probably just sit inside and watch Filthy Frank as usual. Woe to humanity.

 

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