[NOTE: Back when I first published this analysis, I wrote “YouTube link to the track will be posted when available” but I had no idea the video would be this horrifying. Sorry.]

These are difficult times, dear readers. When someone as notoriously detached from all things human as Kanye West publicly makes spiteful comments in order to get under a skin as penetrable as that of Taylor Swift, it’s hard to know who to root for as the music world erupts into flame. A lot people have gone on record as saying that Kanye has officially “lost it” by now, and those of us who are a little more observant have an expectedly hard time telling what it is he’s lost and what it was he had.

For those of you who don’t know, renowned gay fish Kanye West has recently been making a big mess on Twitter, where not only has he been begging the likes of Mark Zuckerberg and Larry Page for large sums of money in order to achieve…something, but he also made some snide remarks towards Taylor Swift in relation to her winning Album of the Year at the 58th Grammy Awards; an accolade that poor Kanye felt that he deserved. The missing piece of information here, on Kanye’s part, is the fact that you can’t win an award for which you weren’t nominated, especially when the 2015 Grammys are unlikely to award albums released in either 2013 or 2016 (the release years of Kanye’s latest albums). Oops.

yep

All those hours spent in Microsoft Paint for Windows 95 and for what? For what, goddamnit?

Kanye has made things very clear. His prodigious genius constantly goes unrecognized and on top of being the one who truly made good old Tay-Tay famous, he apparently also has the potential to change the world as we know it if we only give in and send him all that money he claims he needs and doesn’t have already. Because lord knows, if it’s one thing that’s worthy of a billion dollar investment, it’s the idea of an Autocorrect system for those shitty smartphone emojis that everyone and their grandma uses nowadays (yes, that is an actual project Kanye wants cash for, amongst other things).

Now, because I wished to see the extent of Kanye’s brilliance for myself, I thought it would be fun to revive my Song Commentaries segment here on the blog by taking a look at a song from his latest, allegedly award-snubbed album. If he’s as consistently amazing as he keeps telling himself us, then surely his skills as an inventor/revolutionary thinker must be on par with his skills as a wordsmith. I’ve picked the song “Famous” for this, by the way. I’ve heard Taylor Swift really likes it.


Famous

Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard to love a girl like me
I don’t blame you much for wanting to be free

Barnacles! I’m sorry! I accidentally pasted in the lyrics for Nina Simone’s “Do What You Gotta Do” instead. My mistake, folks. Obviously I wouldn’t dream of shitting on someone as genuinely awesome as Nina Simone. So alright, let’s rewind to the beginning. How does “Famous” start?

Man I can understand how it might be
Kinda hard to love a girl like me
I don’t blame you much for wanting to be free

Ah. Yes. Okay. It’s gonna be one of those, is it? Right.

Well, so far I’m pretty convinced. Quite the lyrics-man, that Kanye. In my opinion, he’s at least as good at copying the text of a Nina Simone song as SoFloAntonio is at posting other people’s viral videos to his Facebook fan page. To be fair, though, one of them probably bothered to get permission first.

I just wanted you to know
Swizz told me let the beat rock
For all my Southside niggas that know me best
I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous

Y’know, as I was writing this post, I actually got a weird, unsolicited e-mail from Quora Digest with the subject line “How does death feel?”

Coincidentally, I want to know that now more than ever.

God damn
I made that bitch famous
For all the girls that got dick from Kanye West
If you see ’em in the streets give ’em Kanye’s bests
Why? They mad they ain’t famous

Can I take this moment to reach out to you, the reader, and tell you something that you need to take with you for as long as you live? Okay, good.

Listen, if you ever feel bad for not being up there with the stars – y’know, not really being “famous” in that sense – consider this: Kanye West is an example of a famous person. Always remember that, friend. No matter how bad things get or how hopeless it all seems, you are, in fact, NOT Kanye West. And we all love you for that.

God damn
They mad they’re still nameless
(Talk that talk man)
Her man in the store tryna try his best
But he just can’t seem to get Kanye fresh
But we still hood famous
God damn
Yeah we still hood famous

Did I mention that Rihanna was involved in the making of this? Like, you know, willingly and without AK’s pointed at her head?

I’m sure we all thought someone like her wouldn’t condone a song like this, in that she doesn’t seem like the kind of gal who’d lash out at another singer just because Kanye West “made her famous” and “had his Grammy stolen by her”. But what do I know? I guess you can’t really figure out a person who dares walking on red carpets wearing a see-through version of Vitas’ “7th element” get-up. Buh-luh-luh-luh-luh.

I just wanted you to know
I loved you better than your own kin did
From the very start
I don’t blame you much for wanting to be free
Wake up Mr West
I just wanted you to know

Yeah, wake up Mr. West. This has gone far enough.

I be Puerto Rican day parade floatin’
That Benz Marina Del Rey coastin’
She be Puerto Rican day parade wavin’
Last month I helped her with the car payment

Oh man, that is some really deep and clever shit you got there, Fishsticks! I mean it’s like you’ve basically invented an entirely new way of forming sentences. Not bad. And also, Kanye, I think it’s extremely innovative of you to include information about helping some random girl pay for her car in one of your latest big hits. You’re like “Weird Al” Yankovic, except we’re not meant to laugh at you and you’re completely oblivious to the fact that we are.

Amish Paradies is actually really deep. You just don't get it.

“Amish Paradise” is actually really complex. You just don’t get it.

Young and we alive, whoo!
We never gonna die, whoo!

strife

I just copped a jet to fly over personal debt
Put one up in the sky
The sun is in my eyes, whoo!
Woke up and felt the vibe, whoo!
No matter how hard they try, whoo!
We never gonna die

Whoo! Kanye has found a cure for mortality, people! Whoo! Give him a small loan of five octillion dollars to fund further research!  Whoo! Fuck death! Whoo!

Bam bam, bam bam
Bam bam dilla, bam bam
‘ey what a bam bam

Jesus…

How you feeling right now, let me see you ladies in the air
Bam bam dilla, bam bam
Bam bam eh
Bam bam, bam bam
Let me see your middle finger in the air

…fucking…

Bam bam, bam bam
Bam bam dilla, bam bam
Let me see you act up in this mother fucker
‘ey what a bam bam
Bam bam dilla, bam bam
How you feelin’, how you feelin,
how you feelin’ in this mother fucker, god damn

…Christ.

I just wanted you to know
I loved you better than your own kin did
From the very start
I don’t blame you much for wanting to be free
I just wanted you to know

Oh and that last bit uses actual sound clips of Nina Simone singing, just to rub some salt in the wounds.

And yes, I totally skipped the remainder of the “bam bam bam” horseshit. When you get ideas for your lyrics from characters in the fucking Flintstones, there’s only a certain quantity that I can take.


You tell me, dear readers. Does this sound like the kind of mind from which we should harvest knowledge and ideas, all for a better and more advanced future? Feel free to comment, or just watch this video of Tay Zonday reading the bullshit Kanye writes online out loud:

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