You’ve all heard the news, ladies and gentlemen. You’ve all heard of the big, grand-tacular story of how Justin Bieber, the Internet’s favorite punching bag, made a huge “comeback” recently with a series of songs which prove that he has officially stopped sucking; primarily as a musician but perhaps also as a human being. At least that’s what fans and media outlets that care about Justin Bieber say. The rest of us seem under no impression that he either “came back” or went anywhere in the first place.

But all the same, loads of people have claimed that Bieber’s latest hits, including the aptly named “Sorry”, are not only better than his other songs, but legitimately good songs. While I definitely found it somewhat catchy when I first heard it passively on the car radio, I decided to see how it holds up in terms of lyrics. So with out further ado, let us take a closer look at the writing of what I assume is meant to be Bieber’s apology for everything. I mean, I’m sure it reaches out to more people than just generic, non-specific teen girls who are meant to feel like the song’s about them, right? Maybe that’s why people praise it – because JB has gained some form of conciousness and evolved past the stage of carefully manufactured pawn in the music industry’s scheme to tap into the adolescent female’s superficial desires and make some easy bucks? Show me what you got, Beaker!


Sorry

You gotta go and get
Angry at all of my honesty

Your apology looks good already, Onision. I mean, what, was that what you were doing the whole time? You were being honest and now you’re sorry that we’re too decent and non-douchey to just sit down and take it? Ah what the hell, it’s not another love song so I guess I’ll be nice.

You know I try but I don’t do too well with apologies
I hope I don’t run out of time, could someone call the referee?
Cause I just need one more shot at forgiveness

So far so good. I honestly don’t have too many complaints yet so, yeah, let’s move on.

Oh, what? I don’t need to be negative every episode. A critic should be frank, guys. This is okay! Maybe he finally has written something worth listening to?

I know you know that I
Made those mistakes maybe once or twice
And by once or twice I Mean
Maybe a couple a hundred times
So let me oh let me
Redeem oh redeem oh myself tonight
Cause I just need one more shot at second chances

One more shot at a second chance, huh? Does that mean a second chance at a second chance? Or, wait, you said “second chances” in the plural form. I’ll ignore the fact that a thing can’t come a second time more than once, and instead focus on the implication that this wouldn’t be the first time you’ve tried to better yourself. Sheesh, how many times have we let things slide with you?

Oh well, long as it’s not just another love song.

Yeah
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Cause I’m missing more than just your body

Our body? Why would you want our collectiv– Oh. Oh! OH! I GET IT!

Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I’m sorry now?
I’m sorry yeah
Sorry yeah
Sorry
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I’m sorry now?

sigh

Justiiin, is this just you singing stock romantic phrases at some nondescript humanoid again and not an actual apology for all your bullshit? Don’t lie to Mama Victor.

I’ll take every single piece of the blame
If you want me too
But you know that there is no innocent one in this game for two
I’ll go I’ll go and then
You go you go out and spill the truth
Can we both say the words, say “forget this”?

Wow, guys. Wow. I mean…

Is this it? Is this the big epic “comeback from nowhere in particular” that you guys have been shitting yourselves over for the past couple weeks? Another non-impressive love song that panders to dupable tweens and is only different in the sense that the imaginary dream guy who sings at you wants forgiveness for douchebaggery disguised as “brutal honesty”, as well as for you to believe that you’re guilty of something too even if he’s probably the only abusive one in the relationship scenario that this song’s apparently illustrating? Boy, this suddenly got extra disturbing.

Is this what happens when Justin’s fangirls get older? Are they gonna start watching Onision vids and wishing they could go on dates with Christian Grey now? Do I really not loathe human beings enough as it is?

Yeah
Is it too late now to say sorry?
Cause I’m missing more than just your body

Oh and he’s not completely shallow, girls! There. Now you have to forgive him. He’s sorry that you guys just don’t get it.

Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I’m sorry now?

Lil’ bit. It’s a lil’ bit too late. Lil’ bits.

I’m not just trying to get you back on me
Cause I’m missing more than just your body

He doesn’t want you back ON him, ladies. Or lady. Or whomever the fuck you want this song to be about.

Is it too late now to say sorry?
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I’m sorry now?

But wait, I’m getting too dismissive again. Here’s where the song gets really good:

I’m sorry (yeah)
Sorry (oh)
Sorry
Yeah I know that I let you down
Is it too late to say I’m sorry now?
I’m sorry (yeah)
Sorry (oh)

Okay, thank you, great, that’s enough.


Well I’ll be darned. Aren’t we all glad that Justin Bieber came back from wherever it was he went with a song that’s very much the same as his other ones, except for the fact that he wants you to know how sorry he is for “just speaking his mind” Donald Trump-style?

Well, no, not exactly ecstatic but LOOK AT HOW PRETTI HIS HAIR ISZ NAOW GIIIIIRLLLZZ!!1 NOW U MUST LIEK HIMM RITE?!!”1OMG!!”HE’S DESIGNED TO MAEK ME WET SO HES A GOOD MUSIKIANC!ASDJLDJKS OMG”!!I’M A FREE-THINKING INDIVIDUAL I PROMISE!!OMG!1

And on that day, humanity collectively learned absolutely nothing.

And on that day, humanity collectively learned absolutely nothing.

 

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