Senator Claire McCaskill recently made it big on Tumblr (she got to be in a gif-set with 20 000+ notes) when her clip from last Monday’s Late Night with Stephen Colbert started spreading amongst the users. In the clip, she lists some things that she claims are topics on which we no longer need the opinions of men, even if it mostly sounds like she’s listing shit she’s tired of hearing her husband talk about when he gets home at night.

This included: what women should do with their bodies, who the next James Bond should be, how to pronounce “gif”, Star Wars, pantsuits, selfies, Shonda Rhimes, curtains, carbs, millennials, body hair, religion, gluten, Harry Potter, nut allergy, Star Wars again, art, the correct way of cooking a Thanksgiving turkey, and ethics in gaming journalism. This all seemed like a simple, light-hearted joke at first, so I elected not to question things like why Claire would lump the abortion debate together with people whining about James Bond, why the “gif vs. jif” discussion would be any less uninteresting if women talked about it, or why she would appear on a show run by Stephen Colbert if she’s sick of hearing men talk about Star Wars (especially, I imagine, if their rant stems from missing the point of a satirical joke made by an MST3K star on Twitter).

But then people started sharing the video and acting funny, almost as though it was not only serious, but world-changing. Not only were the Tumblr feminists having a field day telling men dudes that they’ve officially been silenced on the topics mentioned in Claire’s video (making it easier to ignore arguments based on the speaker’s gender and be just as progressive as Lady Dahmer), but a lot of men started acting like they were being “censored” by, in their words, “a fascist cunt”. That’s when I realized it: this was not a light-hearted joke. This was a serious announcement from one of the Illuminati spokespeople, warning human males to watch their collective tongues lest they get fed to the reptiles or just have all their unsolicited Internet comments deleted by Butters Stotch.

Not only does this mean I am now required to take down all my Star Wars reviews, but judging from how serious this all seems to be, I’d better take the high road and share my thoughts solely on things that Claire did not mention. Things that aren’t as important as the abortion debate or Star Wars. Here they are (in no particular order besides, y’know, numerical):


1: Racism and sexism at the Oscars

boing oscar timeClaire said nothing about our opinions on movies outside of only mentioning three film franchises by name, but she did forbid us to talk about art. She didn’t say anything about racism and sexism surrounding the movies, however!

This means we’re still green to say whatever the fuck we want about why 12 Years A Slave is really racist towards white people and why Selma shouldn’t even have been nominated for the “Best Original Song” because not enough Oscar noms went to white guys this year. Are you boys tired of hearing feminists say to you that your opinions on racism and sexism in film aren’t important to anyone, regardless of whether or not they actually agree with literally everything you say? Well have no fear, because Lord Claire (if that’s her real name) isn’t going to stop you from running your mouth about it.

NOTE: This one will be completely nullified if that one movie makes it into the Oscars next year. I can’t say its title anymore in accordance with worldwide law, but it stars a black man, a woman, and it’s about space. You may still bitch about the first two things.


2. Sonic the Hedgehog

sonikkWe definitely haven’t had enough of men talking about Sonic the Hedgehog, am I right? Of course I’m not, I’m a man, but still: the world needs more guys telling us about which era of Sonic is the best, which one of the characters they’d rather have ungodly intimate interactions with, and why Shadow is the coolest and edgiest thing since Evanescence. Bonus points if these guys are really sweaty, really young, or really like to pretend that they’re cartoon hedgehogs. Or wolves, that works too. Thanks for still allowing this, Claire.

I hate precisely everything.

I hate precisely everything.

I know that video games might tecnically fall under “art”, which is one of the big no-nos, but I think most modern Internet users hesitate to call anything related to Sonic “art”.


3. Feminism

rush-limbaugh-640x360

Just because you’re not talking about women’s bodies or body hair removal doesn’t mean you’re not talking about feminist issues, and Claire didn’t say diddly about men sharing their opinions on shit like that. Think the wage gap is completely justified? Say it. Think catcalling is “just compliments”? Say it. Want Dick Masterson to run for president? Say it. What are they gonna do? Womansplain your opinions to smithereens? Psh, typical.


4. Teenage girls

goilsFuck yeah, baby! Throwback Thursday!

I didn’t have anything to add to this one, it just made me really happy for some reason. We’ve kinda come full circle and I find that beautiful… Oh fuck, circles count as “art”, sorry, nevermind!


5. Refugees

refrefWe get it. Religion is off-limits, but there are other ways men can talk shit about refugees and blame their arrival to Europe for the terrorist attacks in France, ya know! See? I just wrote that entire sentence without even mentioning whatever that thing is that I’m not allowed to mention. We’ve clearly not gotten enough racism, especially not from guys, so you lads can rant all you please about how kicking refugees out of Sweden is gonna make us less likely for an ISIS strike. Keep saving the world, bro!


6. Politics in general

dontumpJust to reiterate: as long as he says nothing of women’s bodies, who the next James Bond should be, how to pronounce “gif”, Star Wars, pantsuits, selfies, Shonda Rhimes, curtains, carbs, millennials, body hair, religion, gluten, Harry Potter, nut allergy, “Star Wars again”, art, the correct way of cooking a Thanksgiving turkey, and ethics in gaming journalism, Donald Trump is still permitted to say absolutely anything. Arguably one of the shittiest examples of “man” of all time is off the hook, all thanks to the sagacious message of one woman.

Y’know, somehow I think this last one best summarizes how I feel about the Tumblr post that caused all this or any other time I’ve observed hardcore rad-feminists and douchebag dudebros/anti-feminists fighting each other online:

WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE.


That’s it for now, folks. Until next time, always know where your towel is!

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