The Minaj apologists of the Internet got a major zerg rush earlier this year. They finally got to prove to us peasants once and for all what a queen she is when she got to do a hip-hop collaboration with none other than Beyoncé muthafuckin’ Knowles – the ultimate female-empowering, black-empowering, whatever-empowering muthafuckin’ queen of them all! Yaaas! Hella! Fuckin’ flawless bish yaaas, fab af tbh YAAAS! And also “fleek”.

So naturally, now that Stinky Minaj has cooperated with the one singular musician in the entire physical realm that no one has any logical reason whatsoever to NOT be a slobbering fan of, mean poopy-brains like me have no choice but to recognize Onika as the godsend she is. That is, of course, until we stop and actually ask ourselves: hey, wait a sec, why exactly do we hail Beyoncé as the apotheosis of perfection and flawlessness again?

How come this one person is so widely regarded as objectively better than everyone else ever? Is it solely because she’s a big-name feminist? Is it solely because she’s a big-name person of color? Is it solely because she dresses in skimpy clothing (which is still brave as heck)? Is it solely because she’s attractive (but only according to the conventional beauty standards which I coulda sworn all you progessives out there wanted to destroy)? Is it all of that? Or does it have anything to do with the quality of her work, instead of this just being another case of us blindly worshipping someone who gets to be famous in spite of being a female person of color in a culture where that’s ostensibly one of the less advantaged groups? Why aren’t we also campaigning for the Oscar for Best Actress to be given to some random woman from Wakaliwood if the quality of the work itself has effectively stopped mattering forever? Note the “if”. I don’t know how Beyoncé fans think and can only speculate.

I'm going with the

But I’m leaning on going with the “attractive” theory, I dunno about you.

After all, I do like Beyoncé most of the time a little bit – her pretty face at least as much as her songs. And I’m not gonna be one of those overly dismissive cynics who won’t give anyone a chance, so how about we actually look at the lyrics for this Bey-Minaj mash-up objectively and see how dope it truly is? Yeah, let’s do that.

Feeling Myself

Yo B, they ready
Let’s go

That we are, Nicki. That we are. So, do tell, what’s the subject matter of this shared magnum opus of yours and Beyoncé’s?

I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my

Totally lost. Please start over.

I’m with some hood girls lookin’ back at it,
and a good girl in my tax bracket
Got a black card that’ll let Saks have it,
these Chanel bags is a bad habit

So far most of the singing’s been done by Minaj and something tells me she wrote her own lines as well. I’m not sure what she’s looking back at or why she’s apparently addicted to shopping, but the storyline is riveting so far.

I-I do balls,
Dal Mavericks,
my Maybach, black matted

“I do balls.”

      -Nicki Minaj, lyrical ill bitch, 2015

Bitch, never left but I’m back at it
And I’m feelin’ myself, jack rabbit
Feelin’ myself, back off,
Cause I’m feelin’ myself, jack off

Just to be clear: yes, the song is actually like this.

He be thinking about me when he whacks off
Whacks on? Wax off

I can only imagine all the elementary school children Nicki Minaj was forced to interview to gain the inspiration for that “wax off” pun. I mean, that’s true boldness right there. Not the fact that she dares sexualize her image or that she dares speak up on such issues as racism and sexism in a society like ours. No no, daring to parrot a Karate Kid joke that was barely still funny when Chester A. Bum used it back in 2010 – that, kids, takes some serious fucking courage. Remember she “doesn’t get enough credit for the metaphors and wordplay she puts into her lyrics”.

attack on tituns

National anthem hats off,
then I curve that nigga, like a bad toss
Lemme get a number 2, with some Mac sauce
On The Run Tour, with my mask off

So… this is actually happening? You’ve finally dug past the bottom of the idea barrel and reached so far into the Earth itself that you’re now coming up with new ideas for rap lyrics when you’re in the middle of ordering dinner at McDonald’s? Am I seeing this? Am I really alive to witness this kind of dramatic de-evolution of music? Beyoncé, what do you have to say about this?

I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my


Changed the game with that digital drop
Know where you was when that digital popped
I stopped the world
Male or female, it make no difference
I stop the world, world stop…
Carry on

I like how you had to quit in the middle of your “world stop” line to let Nicki “carry on”. Almost as if she was staring you down and threatened to sit on your legs if you didn’t let her go back to her random rap babble of piss-story.

But hey, let’s see what Nicki’s got to weigh in with. It might be important:

Kitty on peak, pretty on fleek
Pretty gang, always keep them niggas on geek
Ridin’ through Texas, feed ’em for his breakfast
Every time I whip it, I be talkin’ so reckless

Yes, well, okay.

He said, “Damn, Nicki, it’s tight, ”
I say, “Yeah, nigga, you right.”

Nicki Minaj writes literatture.

He say, “Damn, bae, you so little,
but you be really takin’ that pipe.”
I say, “Yes, daddy, I do,
gimme brain like NYU.”
I said, “Teach me, nigga, teach me.
All this learnin’ here is by you.”

“All this leaning here is by you”, huh? Excellent. Look Nicki, why don’t you just go play with this twig while we listen to Beyoncé for a bit?

I’m whippin’ that work, he diggin’ that work
I got it, 36 of that real
Hanky full of that bounce, baby
Come get you some of that bounce, baby
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my, feelin’ myself
I’m feelin’ myself, I’m feelin’ my

I don’t know what I was expecting.

Cookin’ up the base, lookin’ like a kilo
He just wanna taste, beggin’ up my ego
Ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego, ego

You guys see the new Fantastic Four movie yet? It’s pretty good. Check it out.

Ridin’ through Texas
(Ridin’ through Texas, Ridin’ through Texas),
smokin’ all off
Talkin’ bout that high-grade,
Baby, hold up
I can kill your migraine
(Ridin’ through Texas, Ridin’, Ridin’ through Texas)

Oh I can think of a few things you can do that involves migraine.

Bitches ain’t got punchlines or flow
I have both and an empire also


He gettin’ gifts from Santa Claus at the North Pole
Today I’m icy, but I’m prayin’ for some more snow

Yes, this song is about Christmas now. I don’t fucking know, I stopped questioning reality itself, like, 2 minutes of song ago.

Let that ho ho,
let that ho know (he in love)
he in love with that coco


Why these bitches don’t never be learnin’
You bitches will never get what I be earnin’
I’m still gettin’ plaques, from my records that’s urban
Ain’t gotta rely on top 40

Ohhh I get what this is now. This is Nicki Minaj finally telling all those “loser bitch-a$$ haters” of hers that what they’ve got to say to her will never matter because, in the end, she’s still making millions upon millions of dollars off of her music. All criticisms made towards her are invalid because she’s rich, like Donald Trump, Croesus Vole, and Daffy Duck.

I am a rap legend, just go ask the kings of rap
Who is the queen and things of that
Nature, look at my finger, that is a glacier, hits like a lazer
Trippin’ on that work, trippin’ off that purp

“I am the queen and things of that.”

   – Nicki Minaj, the queen of rap, 2015 (I’m not fucking kidding with this shit)

Flippin’ up my skirt and I be whippin’ all that work
Takin’ trips with all them ki’s, car keys got b’s
Stingin’ with the Queen B and we be whippin’ all that D

And I can assure you, Nicki, singing with the Queen B Beyoncé Knowles has done exactly nothing to change my mind about how awesomely terrible you are. I think we can end the song here because the experiment is over. Sure, there’s some more of Nicki insisting how “flawless” and “dope” she and Beyoncé are and she randomly says “Young Money” at the end for no reason, which is kinda funny, but I think we’ve been through enough.

Oh, and remember:

“I do balls.”

      -Nicki Minaj, 2015 (she doesn’t get the credit she deserves)

That’s all for today, guys. And keep in mind, Nicki Minaj fans: I’m not doing this to piss off Nicki. I am, in fact, doing it to piss off you guys. Sorry if there’s any misunderstanding.