I didn't know which one to pick.

I didn’t know which one to pick.

Anyone who whines about the weather can usually help themselves shut the fuck up in either of two ways: (1) wear more clothes, or (2), wear less. But sometimes that’s not sufficient advice. Sometimes people don’t want to make a change to the way they dress just because that’s what anyone with enough digits in their I.Q. would think to do when the temperature and weather conditions shift. Why? Well because there’s a thing called “fashion”.

If you tell someone that the solution to their oh so vexing problems of feeling “too cold” or “too hot” might have something to do with the fact that they wear torn jeans in the winter or dress in all black in the summer like they seriously think looking like Morticia Addams still intimidates people, know how these ungrateful jerks respond? That’s right, they start moaning about “aesthetic” and “fashion” and how no weather is powerful enough to prevent them from trying to look “fly as fuck” – in which “fly as fuck” usually means “too dumb and childish to willingly adapt to temperature” apparently.

I like wearing nice clothes too, guys, but there’s a time and place for every way of dressing. I’m not gonna put on my favorite tux when I’m going to a beach on Cephalonia and I’m certainly not gonna put on jeans with fucking holes in them when it’s the night before Christmas and I need to be less of a conceited fuck in order to pick pants that actually protect my legs from the cold.

“Unless it’s hot enough out there to rival Hurghada, girls. Don’t be stupid.”

Also, real quick: if you are seriously a person who buys ripped jeans, I want you to understand that you’re willingly paying MORE money to buy clothes that by definition are defective and broken. And if you’re okay with that, then by all means, stay tuned for my upcoming product: shoes with pebbles already inside them. I know, it sounds dumb as shit, but hey, it’s really expensive and all the edgy kids are doing it! NOW you want it, right? Right, thought so.

That’s not a joke either. Where I’m from, stores will normally charge more for torn jeans than they do pants that, oh you know, aren’t already destroyed when you buy them.


Most of the people I see rant about this shit are users I find on Tumblr, and a seperate case of them valuing aesthetic over practicality took its form when I criticized the following art piece:


Sure, it looks cool, but I value both art and function. When I reblogged the photo of the weapon above and mentioned how impractical it looked, I was immediately informed by several bloggers that “it’s supposed to be art”. Yeah, I know, but art is about more than just looking cool. If that weren’t the case, people would go to the cinema just to see an incoherent series of pretty images, regardless of whether or not it has sufficiently interesting characters, the writing is good, or the images are even in any meaningful order. See, it also has to “work” in order to succeed all the way.

Same thing with that weapon. It looks less cool once you take the practicality of it into consideration and start to actually think about its functionality. If you put your fingers in the brass knuckles one way, the knife and the gun are pointing towards you which could potentially damage you amidst a fight. If you put in your fingers the other way, it looks as if it’d be really damn uncomfortable and for that matter, even if holding it that way makes it easier to pull the trigger on that weird upside-down-looking gun thing, does the bullet just bounce off the knife and fly somewhere other than where you’re aiming when you fire? It kinda looks like it’s in the way. If you’re gonna craft a new and creative murder weapon, at least make one that would be convenient for me to use.

(Oh, and if the brass knuckles are exclusively meant to be used while the contraption is folded, it seems like the rest of it will damage your palm when you punch someone.)

And shit like this is exactly why I’m also so tired of fashion snobs who base their clothing on “looking cool” as opposed to practicality and comfort. You can’t deny that they do. Why else do you think high heels, itchy make-up, and platform shoes are such hot shit? Or yet again: putting on your most torn of jeans when it’s snowing outside.

People who refuse to dress warm during winter will often make the argument that giving up fashion for the sake of comfort and warmth makes you “weak”.  And yet, they’re the ones that natural selection are gonna ax off when the Earth HOPEFULLY succumbs to a second ice age in the near future because they were too busy wearing their stupid fucking ripped jeans and running fashion blogs to not be tools and actually dress accordingly with the climate change. If it’s below freezing outside and you’re too much of a vain asshole to adapt to the Earth’s temperature lest your precious aesthetic get ruined, guess what? YOU are the one who’s weak. And expendable. Keep wearing your open jackets and torn jeans in the winter and leave the planet for those of us that are smart enough in our adaptation skills to actually deserve living on it.


But then again, this is how you’d probably wear it if you gave in.

And keep in mind, this is all coming from a guy who studied art/photography in high school and writes about special effects and cinematography in most of the film reviews he posts in his spare time. When I say you care too much about aesthetic, that means something! So please, immediately stop your whining and solve your own problem by dressing like a thinking, adjustable, normal human being instead of a mannequin at Topman. You’re welcome!

I’m done with this bullshit for now. It’s 30 degrees Celsius where I live and I need to go join the BBQ by our pool post-haste. And no I won’t be wearing my nicest black suit and a top hat. Fuck you.


(Note: it’s only charming when fictional cat-humans on Red Dwarf do it)