I posted the following on Twitter a long time ago because being a pessimistic asshole is severely underrated:

This was in reference to certain people, the majority of whom just happen to belong to the same generation as yours truly, who have been going out of their way lately to let others know how “boring” they truly are. The thing is, though, my generation is something that I have come to refer to as the “ADD generation” and so they have a very interesting view of what actually constitutes as being boring, i.e. pretty much anything that isn’t loud, obnoxious or stupid.

Young people today love being loud and annoying, so anything that isn’t is boring. This includes parties that aren’t wild enough, movies that are too intelligent and subtle, concerts that are too dignified and sophisticated, and “big bad gwown ups who won’t wet us have any fun”.

“When I was your age, well, I was probably a spastic shrieking moron too.”

I’m not kidding either. If you’ve ever tried to get a really annoying person to be a decent human being and shut the fuck up, even if you’re a little more polite than me, you are instantly seen as the bad guy in their eyes. You are a person who’s trying to seem more mature and collected. You are, if a Tumblr post written by one of these morons is to be understood correctly, a “monotonously placid” and, indeed, “boring” individual. Hey that’s a good guess, Tumblr, except the real reason I’m telling you to shut up is simpler:

You actually NEED to SHUT THE FUCK UP

The aforementioned Tumblr post was mainly referring to persons who try to “shut people down” (sic) when they get overly excited about trivial bullshit and squee over things that make them happy, as if that’s somehow not a legitimate reason to let a person know that they’re doing society a favor by never again making sounds with their mouth. You want to express your excitement over things? Fine, go ahead and do it! My guess is that the only reason anyone’s ever actually stopped you is because, at the time of your initial overreaction/squee attack, you were in a situation where you actually needed to be quiet and show respect to those more socially adjusted than you. Others don’t need to hear you squeak inanely over gay Doctor Who fan fiction in cafeterias, libraries, exam halls, or movie theatres. Or anywhere. Go away.

Man, I’m getting flashbacks to when I was in high school and actual, living carbon-based lifeforms used the word “boring” to describe people who don’t drink alcohol.

“And so you see, ladies and gents, fun and non-boring folk like me realize that you can’t enjoy roller coasters or video games without snorting scotchka.”

In fact, yeah, let’s talk about that! If you have ever so much as made the vague insinuation that someone is boring because they don’t drink alcohol, what I want you to do is stop and think “Hmm let’s see, we got me, someone who needs to be under the influence of an organic compound that kills my liver and brain cells before I can figure out a way to enjoy life itself, and then we have you guys, who can conjure methods of having fun without that shit so hmmm”; THEN you’ll have my permission tell me your definition of a boring human being. Thanks for your cooperation.

Don’t get me wrong. No one loves getting drunk more than I do but merely liking alcohol is, as I simply wanted to demonstrate, unrelated to whether or not an individual has an actual concept of fun. Don’t agree? Well then you should probably feel bad about being too boring to have fun without the aid of intoxication, shouldn’t you pal?

So yes, drinking can indeed be fun, but so can bungee jumping. And video games. And sometimes – drinking IN video games.

And, most importantly, sometimes you don’t need to have fun at all. Sometimes you can just sit back, relax, and enjoy a moment of peace and quiet for a change. Don’t worry! It shouldn’t make you seem dull or “boring” to anyone besides vexatious tweenagers, but if it does bore you, put on a video game and direct all of your squeeing and screaming towards it so that the rest of us can at least have a peaceful afternoon outside.

Which reminds me, I’m gonna go out to the pool and pour myself a drink. Not because drinks are automatically fun, but because I want to, and because it’s quiet out there.


Until next time, kiss my towel. Bye.

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