Crawling in my skin, et cetera.

Crawling in my skin, et cetera.

I have recently found that few things turn people’s heads like pointing out that I sometimes like doing things alone. Sleeping, having dinner, watching movies; you name it! And isn’t that nice? Doing everything on your own terms and getting some peace and quiet every now and then? It’s awesome.

And yet, we have all these cryhards who are so turned off by the idea of doing things alone that you sound like an alien if you explain to them that eating dinner or seeing a movie solo is just as nice, if not NICER than doing it with other human beings. But oh hooo boy, those two don’t even hold a candle to the one that REALLY gets people’s panties in a bunch: telling them that you love to sleep alone.

Sleeping alone is a nightmare to these people. It’s like they have been so influenced by society’s excessive emphasis on the “necessity” of love and relationships that they feel unwanted and lost whenever their bed becomes empty and they have to sleep without having another sweaty primate to lock limbs with. If you really can’t be single for a while or even alone in a room overnight, I’m sorry but you’ve probably been psychologically wired to care too much about humans and/or fall like the dupable tool you are for a simple-minded concept used by romantic dipshits and Beatles fanboys – i.e. that LOVE™ is somehow the remedy for everything on the planet (even though it evidently makes people weaker and more prone to incessant sadness/whining). Yeah, good luck “loving” away cancer, famine, war, and hypothetical apocalyptic events such as asteroid collisions, guys. I’m sure you’ll fix it!

But I digress. Here’s a quote I found about sleeping alone:

Unintentioally making a strong case AGAINST the concepts of love and sharing beds.

Unintentionally making a strong case AGAINST the concepts of love and sharing beds.

Alright, you crybabies. Victor to the rescue. Here’s a list of reasons why sleeping alone is better:

  1. You get more space to sleep in any malformed position you want.
  2. You can watch YouTube videos ’til 5 AM without some asshole whining about how they need to get up at 7.
  3. You can get midnight snacks on your own terms.
  4. Nobody cares if you like listening to loud Aphex Twin music to sleep better.
  5. You can be productive and get actual work done without the pressure of someone wanting you to just “come to bed”.
  6. You can adjust your sleeping position without there being an assortment of limbs and flesh in the way.
  7. Plenty of room for a lifeform that’s actually entertaining, like a dog, a cat, or a mantis.
  8. Nobody gives a shit how you smell.
  9. Nobody gives a shit how much Homestar Runner you marathon at the highest volume.
  10. Nobody gives a shit, period.

I could go on, but I think I’ve sufficiently made my point. It’s true that sleeping next to someone you love like tolerate can be cozy but I’m just sayin’, sometimes it’s nice not to sleep next to anyone.

Speaking of productivity, let’s talk about people who can’t “eat alone” and feel like going to a restaurant by yourself is the most sad and boring thing they could do. Like, do you guys know how much time I’ve saved by having dinner without all the hassle of calling your friends until you find someone who’s not busy and then sitting there for hours talking about nothing in particular? These past few days I’ve been going to restaurants by myself, unless the podcasts I’m always listening to count as “company”, which has allowed me to get more work done and travel more efficiently as I now never have to worry about missing trains. All because, yet again, I’m not halted by the obligation to be social and sit and talk for 5 hours. I go in, eat my damn food, think my own thoughts, and get out. Sometimes I even pay for the meal.

Why is it so important to you people to be with someone EVERY time you eat something? Yes, it’s a nice way to date and hang out with your mates, but you don’t need that EVERY time you eat food. Do you really just call a friend every other day and go “Hey, uh, I was just about to go get my daily intake of nutrition but I can’t do it alone; care to join me?” Don’t. Eat by yourself. It saves time and lets you get home faster. Furthermore, people usually don’t have anything interesting to talk about, so dragging them along for your lunch break can be an even bigger waste of time depending on how clever, valid, and insightful your friends’ opinions are.

I mean sure, all of MY true friends are obviously geniuses and/or genuinely funny people, but not everyone is good at picking their company, least of all when they’re desperate and willing to have lunch with anyone at all.

Nobody was around to witness me going to town on this steak. That's THEIR loss, not mine.

Nobody was around to witness me going to town on this steak. That’s THEIR loss, not mine.

What about going to the movies alone? Is that so bad? You really can’t be without that after-movie conversation that doesn’t let you reflect upon what you just watched before people start talking to you about it?

I’m not gonna lie, I always go to the movies with someone. But I feel like I would be able to post reviews more frequently if I watched movies on my own without trying to get people to make time and join me. I’d also make the argument that my reviews would represent my own thoughts on the film more accurately if I hadn’t been influenced by the things my dad or my brother might have said about the movie after we saw it, but on the other hand, it helps me be more objective.

All the same, if I’m in a situation where I just wanna see a movie without talking about it with friends straight away, or when friends can’t come, I’ll probably just go see it anyway. Again, it saves time, which will in turn allow you to see more movies. You’re welcome.

A great mind once said “There’s a tremendous difference between alone and lonely”, and by “great mind” I mean Hollywood actress Drew Barrymore.

Right up there

Right up there with Nietzsche, Hofstadter, and Plato.

She had a good point, though. You can be social, go to every party ever, and always bring some poor sap along for every moment you dedicate to nutritional intake, but still be lonely deep down. Likewise, you can do all those things solo without losing faith in your ability to have friends or feeling like something’s missing. Don’t make a big deal out of it! It’s steak! The universe isn’t missing out on anything if nobody’s there to watch you eat it or share half-baked opinions with you while they do so!

So in summation: Do things alone, save time, get more done, and spare yourself the potential annoyance of inept company. Boo-yah! Oh, and also:

Love increases oxytocin levels in your body, which makes you more trusting. In other words, a mark. It’s the same feeling animals get when licked, or thieves get when they plan a heist. Enjoy getting taken advantage of, suckers. As for me? I’m an unloved genius.” – Maddox

I think enough’s been said.


That’s enough crap for today. Until next time, always know where your towel is.

Advertisements