I don’t know many things for sure, but something I do know damn well is this: I will never get tired of these morons. I don’t know why it is I always assume they’ve peaked whenever there’s a new story about their mishaps, but honestly, I should have seen this coming, because it might just be the ultimate crossover.

bill zaynRemember when Beliebers cut their wrists on Twitter over Justin Bieber smoking weed or when One Direction fans flooded that exact same modern-day Dark Age of a website with nudes in response to Zayn Malik smoking that exact same herb? Well, guess how the Universe recently managed to top both of those historical milestones? Oh I’ll tell ya! Now it’s the DIRECTIONERS cutting themselves, still on Twitter of course, because of something even more serious and awful: Zayn is no longer a part of One Direction. Noooo!

Yeah, in case you haven’t heard every moderately immature female teen within a 3 mile radius bitch about it yet, Zayn Malik recently left the boy band One Direction to go back to his musical roots and do collabs with, I dunno, Abu Yasser & Friends I guess. Of course, this is a disaster to nobody except for the emotional tween fangirl community, but as is par for the course with pop star-related news, the true highlight of the news is how the fangirls in question REACT to it. What did they infer was the most logical response to all this? That’s right, sucker! Self-harming on Twitter, complete with the hashtag #cutforzayn:


As seen here.

And here’s a few photographs that were posted in case you need visual evidence (like it’s really that hard to believe that tweens would do this bullshit):zaynman

SIDENOTE: I've seen other Tweets that bitch about how Malik's departure is the worst thing ever because he was always the "hottest" of the One Direction members. You can tell a lot about someone's taste and knowledge in music by how important they think the singer's attractiveness is.

Know what the worst part about all of this is, though? When I was doing research for this article, not once did I find any data that suggests this can be traced back to 4chan. As you remember, the first-class trolls of 4chan are the ones that made #cutforbieber and #skinfor1D happen, but #cutforzayn seriously seems to be something that the tweens thought to do by themselves. Either we never really needed 4chan to fuck with tween groupies and make them do dumb shit to begin with, or they’re simply cutting themselves because they were inspired by the #cutforbieber debacle and never got the memo that it was all bullshit orchestrated by a horde of Internet trolls. I dunno, I’m just… I’m getting really disturbed by this.

There’s also the possibility that I didn’t look hard enough to find the evidence that this was indeed a 4chan thing but I’m too arrogant to admit that so fuck you.

That’s all for now. I’ll see you guys next time the tweens get up to mischief.