If the title of this article doesn’t summarize everything that’s wrong with this world, I don’t know what combination of words ever will. People, look, I’m gonna do you all the favor of explaining what this is about one more time, and I will try to be as dumbed-down and easily understood as I possibly can. Okay? Good, here we go:
Human beings… members of our species… have landed a robot probe… on a comet… a humongous icy rock that’s constantly moving through outer space at approximately 35 thousand miles per hour… and are now receiving images of the rock in question, 10 fucking years after the initial launch took place… And you have the nerve, the audacity, to sit there and do news articles about Kim Kardashian’s ass cheeks as displayed on the front page of some shitty magazine that I don’t care enough about to look up the name of in the meantime? Fuck. You.
As far as I’m concerned, that is so unappreciative of mankind’s advancements that it qualifies as treason. You are hereby banished from Planet Earth and will live on the comet until we can have Bruce Willis destroy it. Farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
Now, if you’re actually one of the lucky ones that understand why this is a big deal, but missed out on following the mission itself, you can read the “live comic strips” here: http://xkcd1446.org/#120
That’s all for now. Always know where your towel is!
EDIT, 2014-14/15: Remember how I wrote just the other day about people seemingly growing indifferent towards woman getting naked in magazines or music videos? I was partially wrong. It appears that the less important the celebrity is, the more of a shit people give. Also, I’m pretty sure this one wasn’t in the name of female empowerment, either. Wait, why am I talking about it? And why are YOU talking about that one guy’s T-shirt with cartoon women on it? HEY IDIOTS, THERE’S A FUCKING SPACE PROBE ON A COMET!
Either you dipshits develop a sufficient understanding of science and why this is a big deal in terms of scientific progress before speaking, or you do the entire species a favor and stop converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. No one with an IQ above 5 will miss you.