Jennifer Lopez releases her first big hit since “Taco Flavored Kisses” and even though it was initially a collaboration between her and Pitbull, it’s this newer version with all of Pitbull’s lines being sung by none other than Nicki Minaj’s #1 nemesis herself, Iggy Azalea, that everyone seems to be talking about. The hit in question is “Booty” and being as Minaj’s recent magnum opus “Anaconda” dealt with a concept very similar to that of “Booty”, people are now arguing avidly about who’s the best. As in: who’s the one true master of songs about booties? Great subject of debate, huh?

The implied insult to human intelligence here is that we’re supposed to take either of these braindead songs seriously enough to actually form legitimate discussions about which woman sings about her buttcheeks the best. And we do, we actually fucking do discuss it. You’ll see plenty of people debating this shit online without looking for too long. Some people think the other is empowering while another one is racist. Some say that Iggy’s not as good as the media says, and that people only like her more than Nicki (which I don’t) because Iggy’s not black and everyone that dislikes Nicki is racist. Nicki’s bad, Iggy’s good, Nicki’s the best, Iggy’s shit, YADDAH-YADDAH-YADDAH! As for me personally, allow me to summarize my standpoint thusly:

This took me six months to make.

This took me six months to make.

Now let’s just get this over with. Let’s see how this song is apparently soooo much worse than “Anaconda” (I’m not doubting it’s shit, I’m just doubting it’s in any way below “Anaconda”.)


Booty

(Audio’s in the video above)

Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you…

Everybody got that? Good. Then we can continue.

Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
My baby
You’re gorgeous,
I mean you’re mine
You’re sexy
But most of all you are just absolutely booty-full

I’m currently studying hermeneutics at the university I go to, but I don’t think any amount of studying is gonna help me decipher the deep message behind this stuff. This is way over my or anyone else’s head.

Have you seen her on the dance floor
She got the boom, shake the room
That’s the lightning in the thunder

I have not seen her on the dance floor and I am consequently unfamiliar with the boom. Also, I thought the shaking of the room was a mix of subwoofers and hopping drunkards. I wouldn’t know as I haven’t clubbed or gone out for a drink in too long. I’ve had a 3 day sobriety streak.

You wanna meet her,
you wanna touch her

The sun caught in her raven her is blazing in you out of all control?

See the light in her eyes
And it starts to make you wonder

I’m only wondering what the light in her eyes is supposed to make me wonder? Uh… you know what, nevermind. Let’s move on. Girls, tell us how you roll at the club.

All the sexy girls in the party
Go and grab a man

Okay, okay, I’ve grabbed a man. And…?

Bring him to the dancefloor
Go and light them jeans,

Right, I’ve lit his jeans on fire. His screams of pain and anguish are highly amusing. And now?

Don’t you worry you’re dancing
It’s his birthday
Give him what he ask for
Let me show you how to do it

Mhmm… Alright. I don’t see how setting his trousers ablaze is giving him what he wants but, uh, happy birthday Bob I guess.

Anyway, you were saying?

Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Work
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Shake that
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you…

This and “Anaconda” are two of the most talked about songs of this year, folks. I just feel like I should remind you of that because it’s very easy for those particular memories to be surpressed by desperate denial and depression.

The way she moves
I know you want her

Pretty sure I just want you to stop.

She like the fire, get you right
That’s the lightning in the thunder

blahhgeara

You wanna meet her, you gotta touch her
Hold on tight for the ride
Cause you know you’re gonna love her

I’m gonna guess that this song isn’t the one that’s empowering to women according to the people who spend actual hours of spare time debating these two videos? I mean, these lyrics are clearly meant to make gullible teenage boys horny, right? Even if not through the lyrics themselves, this is still supposed to please boys by encouraging the equally gullible girls of their age group to pursue futures of grinding their asses up against cute boys in the da club, right?

Or, is this the one that’s empowering to women and their self-esteem in how it makes them more secure in their ability to lure men into trances with the aid of their excessive ass fat? Which one’s racist, again? Which one truly encapsul… egh… FUCK YOU, THEY’RE SONGS ABOUT ASSES!

All the sexy girls in the party
Go and grab a man
Bring him to the dance floor
Go and light them jeans,
Don’t you worry you’re dancing
It’s his birthday
Give him what he ask for
Let me show you how to do it

Please do. Also, take a shot every time there’s someone semi-twerking in the video above. Just thought I’d throw that in there because I haven’t done a drinking game in a while.

Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Work
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Shake that
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you…

You know what, I’ll throw J-Lo a bone here. This isn’t as bad as some of the other musical travesties I’ve inexplicably forced myself through. It’s mildly catchy and even if the video is redundant and awful, at least her voice isn’t anything greatly irritating.

sigh But then…

They begging me to drop down
on it but right now
Iggy on the top

HarmlessBelovedAntarcticgiantpetrel

The last time the world seen a booty this good,
it was on Jenny from the block
I got ’em going crazy lately
But baby knowin’ that only make me
Wanna tell all of my ladies to get up on the floor
and just shake it, shake it

Is it normal that a song is so bad that you lose the will to make fun of it, especially when making fun of stuff is one of your favorite things to do? I’m not even joking. This song killed my motivation. Iggy actually managed to make me hate typing silly blog posts. I can’t go on, so instead I’m gonna comment on the rest of the lyrics by copy-and-pasting random snippets of text from books I like. I’m out. I hope you’re happy, Iggy.

Ya’ll know what I’ve been on,
ya’ll know that I’ve been on
I’m queen big booty Iggy,
now find me a bone to sit on

“The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose in the Mountains of Mist. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.”

Girls with the cheeks,
put ’em hands in the air
Then pop that, pop that,
let ’em know that you there
See everybody wanna get a taste
You know that we’ve got enough to share
But fact we girls with the big fat booty
too fancy to ever play fair

“Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line of slightly less highly evolved stupendous badasses to that first self-replicating gizmo—which, given the number and variety of its descendants, might justifiably be described as the most stupendous badass of all time. Everyone and everything that wasn’t a stupendous badass was dead.”

Mesmerized by the size of the
You can find it if you like take your time
I can guarantee you’ll have the time of your life
Throw up your hands if you love a big booty

“Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

Big big big big big big booty
What you…
Big big big big big big booty
What you…
Big big big big big big
Let me show you how to do it
Work
Shake that
Go to work

“Tortoise: Good day, Mr. A.
Achilles: Why same to you.
Tortoise: So nice to run into you.
Achilles: That echoes my thoughts.
Tortoise: And it’s a perfect day for a walk. I think I’ll be walking home soon
Achilles: Oh, really? I guess there’s nothing better for you than walking.
Tortoise: Incidentally, you’re looking in very fine fettle these days, I must say
Achilles: Thank you very much.
Tortoise: Not at all. Here, care for one of my cigars?
Achilles: Oh, you are such a philistine.”

Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Big, big booty
What you got a big booty
Shake that

“Marvin was humming ironically because he hated humans so much.”

 

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