No, I’m not gonna bail out this time. I’m gonna sit through the whole thing like the sucker for agony I am. It’s time to take a look at the lyrics of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda”, a song that makes me hope that more mothers continue to let their children listen to Nicki Minaj’s sexual, explicit lyrics on the basis that she’s such a nice role model or something. Because let me tell ya, “Anaconda” is her child-friendliest masterpiece yet.

There’s a version of this video that I like slightly more than the one above because it contains a random Mystery Science Theatre 3000 reference, which is awesome, but I decided not to share that one because I wanted to stay angry for the remainder of the commentary. It’s more fun that way.


Anaconda

(Audio posted above)

My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun

What the Hell was I thinking?

Boy toy named troy,
used to live in Detroit
Big dope dealer money,
he was getting some coins

Finding the rhymes for this part must have taken you seconds. Seconds, goddamnit! This is what I call effort! By God, sonny!

Was a shooter with the law,
but he live in a palace
Bought me Alexander McQueen,
he was keeping my stylish

Stylish, palace, ya know, they’re basically comprised of the same syllables.

Now thats r-r-real,
gun in my purse,
bitch I came for us to kill
Who wanna go first?
I had them push daffodils
I’m high as hell, I only took a half of pill
I’m on some dumb shit

So far this is the most dope-ass gangsta shit I’ve seen this sid o’ da hood.

By the way, what he say?
He can tell I ain’t missing no meals
Come through and fuck em in my automobile

I still remember that post I made back in the day about an 8-year-old who identified herself as Nicki Minaj’s biggest fan. I’m gonna be honest, at the time I wasn’t thinking as much of it as it may have seemed. However, now that I’m reading these lyrics, it really makes me reflect on the fact that someone who’s barely old enough to spell “quantum foam” walked up to a person who sings about having car-sex with men sporting dicks the size of snakes found in South American rain forests, and said to her “I’m your biggest fan”.

Something about that makes me smile.

And I’m hitting it with his girls,
and he telling me to chill
And he telling me it’s real,
that he love my sex appeal

See, something I love about the so-called “slutty” nature of Nicki Minaj’s videos is the following: any typical person that tries to defend her (or at least the ones that don’t just call me “bitch ass pu$$y” and walk away triumphantly) is sure to bring up that there’s a difference between her shaking her gargantuan ass at a camera and other instances of other women doing the exact same thing in other music vids. The difference is that in most of these other cases, the women who do it are being objectified, because they’re exploited and mainly used to create imagery that appeals to horny, gullible males.

Minaj, however, allegedly does it for the same reasons she who must never be named does it: because she’s empowering herself and showing off that she loves her own body. A post I found on Tumblr (because where else would you find this stuff?) adds that this behavior makes men frightened of her. An excerpt goes like so:

 ” Her sexuality isn’t for men, it’s for her own self … Sexuality that isn’t designed
for male consumption is deemed unacceptable and threatening.  She  is
powerful, demanding, uncompromising, and men are weak, so that scares them. “

That’s funny, I could have sworn that I just found people who sing songs about their own butt cheeks to be the musical equivalent of cancer no matter what gender they belong to, but it turns out that I’m simply terrified of how secure Nicki Minaj is with herself and how she openly refuses to use her sexuality to please males, kinda like in this screenshot from the “Anaconda” video:

dipshits galore

I would guess on viper at best, but if you say anaconda…

This is a graphical representation of Nicki Minaj totally not using her *ahem* assets to please a lifeform of the opposite biological sex. Notice the expression of pure dread and anguish on Drake’s face as he cannot bear the sight of a woman in tight garments shaking her posterior for him for herself like that. I haven’t seen a man in such pain since I last watched Antichrist.

Maybe the idea is that Nicki is so incomprehensibly powerful that she uses her body not to please men, but control them? Fuck if I know, back to the song:

Say he don’t like em boney,
he want something he can grab

On second though, let’s not go back to the song. Let’s go out and play with sticks.

So I pulled up in the Jag,
and I hit em with the jab like

Oh okay, now she’s beating those horny, sexist pigs up or something. This was empowering after all. I cracked the code!

My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun

Sir Mix-A-Lot, huh? That’s the grand musical genius you decided to steal from or pay homage to or whatever it is you think you’re doing? Granted, his song about female rumps was at least moderately catchy, if still dumb, but even so…

Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Look at her butt (look at her butt)

tumblr_inline_mk2m2qHjnq1qz4rgp

This dude named Michael
used to buy motorcycles
Dick bigger than a tower,
I ain’t talking about Eiffel

tumblr_mmgeumeg9g1spbam9o1_r1_400

Real country ass nigga,
let me play with his rifle
Pussy put his ass to sleep,
now he calling me NyQuil

I… I don’t even have a gif for that.

Now that bang bang bang,
I let him hit it cause he slang cocaine
He toss my salad like his name Romaine
And when we done, I make him buy me romaine
I’m on some dumb shit

Whatever that dumb shit is, it shows. I can just barely make out what you’re trying to say but I think I’m still following the story arc fairly well. Either that or I’m finally going insane, thus learning to cope with this song’s existance.

By the way, what he say?
He can tell I ain’t missing no meals
Come through and fuck em in my automobile
And I’m hitting it with his girls,
and he telling me to chill
And he telling me it’s real,
that he love my sex appeal

You know what I don’t get? What I don’t get is that, since the people who made that one version of this video had clearly hired the robots from Mystery Science Theatre to shoot a cameo for them, why didn’t they let them riff on the video and make fun of the lyrics much more effectively than I ever could? This crap is begging for some obscure reference to 1950’s B-movies spliced into it, so I don’t see why you got the robots to appear if you aren’t… even… asrasnslknas…

aqhŤ,.65

Sorry about that, I passed out on my keyboard. I think this song made my brain short-curcuit and then do an emergency shutdown. Now, where were we?

Say he don’t like em boney,
he want something he can grab
So I pulled up in the Jag,
May weather with the jab like

Oh good, I didn’t miss anything important while I was out.

My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt
Oh my gosh, look at her butt

Okay, you know what? This is a pretty damn stupid song but I’ll throw it a bone: at least it’s harmless enough to repeat the same inane chorus a few times instead of treading into the realms of the truly undignifi-

Yeah, he love this fat ass
Yeah, this one is for my bitches
with a fat ass in the fucking club
I said, where my fat ass big bitches in the club?

Why is it that I always speak too soon?

Fuck the skinny bitches,
fuck the skinny bitches in the club
I wanna see all the big fat ass
bitches in the motherfucking club
Fuck you if you skinny bitches WHAT?

I found one of the multiple reasons she’s such a lovely role model, guys: body positivity. I mean, unless you’re skinny. In that case you’re a bitch with an insufficient rear end.

I got a big fat ass
Come on

You sure do, Nicki. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go do something that’s less harmful to my cerebrum than listening to this song. Like, I dunno, hitting myself over the head with a shovel. Good show, everyone. Special thanks to Sir Mix-A-Lot, right?


So, I sat through an entire Minaj song. Final verdict? Eh, it was alright.

Advertisements