I once found a post on Tumblr that criticized men for often mocking the way women behave during their monthly period. The girl who wrote it made the confident assertion that men who do this are all hypocrites, since their hormones actually make them behave like that too, except that they do it all the damn time. Yes folks, apparently the indisputable fact of the matter is that a woman on her period is what a man is like 24/7.
It seemed legit, what with it being a popular Tumblr post and all, but in case anyone isn’t completely sold on it yet, I have taken the initiative to make this list that brings up exactly what menstruation does to women and see how much of it applies to the way men are “all the time”.
Now, I’m from a country that actually makes some semblance of effort when it comes to sex ed (whether or not the Tumblr girl is remains uncertain) and thanks to this, I’ve always known at least a little bit about periods. Some of my knowledge also comes from female friends telling me things I really don’t want to know about but for the sake of this article, I decided to research the symptoms of menstruation in order to see how I myself stack up, just to put the aforementioned Tumblr screed to the test. I hope you’ll enjoy my little experiment!
These are listed in the order in which I came across them during my grand Googling adventure:
1. Abdominal or pelvic cramping
Ah yes, the ever-present cramps and pains we guys have to endure on a constant basis within our tummies and pelves. Not monthly; constant. It’s especially depressing to see men try to strike up a conversation at a party only for them to start writhing in pain and leave the room. It fills me with such self-loathing that I wanna punch myself in the dick. Gawsh.
2. Lower back pain
Yeah, I have some problems down there. My chiropractor told me that I suffer from Sciatica and need to work out more so as to improve my stature and thus possibly fix my back issues but now that I know that this is a perfectly natural effect of my perpetual menstrual cycle, I am not as concerned. Thanks, Tumblr! Fuckin’ A!
3. Bloating and sore breasts
Oh lawd, tell me about sista.
4. Food cravings
Sometimes I sit there in the middle of the night, minding my own business, usually watching Maddox videos or reading Cracked articles about creepy abandoned locations, when suddenly my stomach starts talking to me. I find that, man, a burrito would taste really damn good right about now. So I go into the kitchen, find some vegetables, cut up some habanero peppers, steal a bottle of Coke because I’m a naughty boy, and discover to my munificent pleasure that there’s a plastic box of leftover minced meat in the freezer. I heat that fucker up, put it on a tortilla with the rest of the yummy shit, and eat the living hell out of it as I watch more videos and eventually go to bed, victorious.
Again, this isn’t just me being hungry because I’m hungry. It’s my sexual organs fucking me up. Woe is me.
5. Bleeding from the vagina
With regards to the Tumblr post, I wrote the following on my Twitter a few weeks back:
This reminds me, I once heard some girl say that men shouldn’t be ashamed of buying tampons because she would interpret that as a perfect boyfriend getting something for the woman he loves when she needs it the most. Really? You didn’t consider that he might need those himself? Get with the program, already! He has to go through this shit every day so obviously that’s why he’s also ashamed of himself! Just because you have it so easy. Once a month. Pft, I wish.
Also, here’s a famous meme I’ve edited to emphasize my point:
6. Mood swings and irritability
So, now that we’ve got most of the other aspects of menstruation covered, let’s see if it all holds together when we go back to the beginning. This is, after all, the symptom that was the primary subject in the Tumblr post I saw, and yes, it is completely accurate.
I’m never happy or sad or angry depending on what manner of situation I’m in. No no, it’s all completely random. It makes me so frustrated I could punch a wall. Though on the other hand I guess it’s okay. God, it just makes me so sad. Ugh. Is there any food here? Fuck all of you!
See? I go through shit like this all the time! It does bring me some comfort now that I know that this is all due to my biological structure. I always thought that there was something severely wrong with me but Tumblr has once again opened my eyes and led me to a state of calm. Hell, before Tumblr, I didn’t even know I had a uterus. Thanks for everything, bloggers! Never stop being you!
So now you know, before you joke about a woman on her period, just remember: you are a woman on her period. Always. Take that!
WARNING: if you're male and none of the things you see on this list apply to you, you're probably pregnant