Y’know, I didn’t think about it until now, but most of Patrice Wilson’s disturbingly awful music videos starring untalented tweens have displayed a puzzling lack of boys in the past, haven’t they? It’s usually been girls doing the “singing” or whatever you call the noises we’ve heard these tweens emit thus far. However, as of a little number he produced last year, “Girlfriend” (as well as the more recent “Spins Me Round”, which I was initially going to write this commentary for, but couldn’t find a decent lyrics sheet for) we have a little bit more variety. The singer is Griffin Tucker and he is in fact a boy.

You all know how much I love to make fun of shit like this so let’s not waste any more time. Let’s dive in!


(The audio’s in the video, obviously. Do enjoy!)

 My heart skips a beat
whenever you look at me
Get a chill from my head to my feet

So far so good. But don’t start singing about specific preferences when it comes to women, Griffin, lest you scare off your future fangirls who only listen to your type of love songs because they need the lyrics to be as applicable to them as possible. Provided they’re young enough to want 12 year olds to sing love songs about them, I mean.

Cuz Girlfriend
I wanna be your Boyfriend

I want to be your boyfriend, girlfriend. Do you want to be my girlfriend? The girlfriend of me – your boyfriend? That is I. My name is My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend. Nice to meet you. I’m the girlfriend of Michelle’s boyfriend Mike. Oh hai, Denny.

Wait, what was I talking about?

You’re the one
the only one for me

Oh right, tween love songs. Quite right.

My heart feels a flame
whenever you call my name

You should see a doctor about that. Or better yet, go see a researcher that’s trying to find out the cause for spontaneous combustion. It sounds to me like you’re on to something. A case of genericus love-us songus, perhaps?

Don’t you know it’s insane
how I feel

I don’t know, Griff. Ask Girlfriend.

Cuz Girlfriend
I wanna be your Boyfriend
You’re the one
the only one for me

The only person that’s good enough for me – The Boyfriend – is you, Girlfriend. Girlfriend of me, The Boyfriend. I love you, wife.

Music like this really makes ya think, doesn’t it?

Yeah! Girlfriend
I wanna be your Boyfriend

That “yeah” was a nice touch. We can’t have any song of any genre ever without at least three of ’em.

Come on girl
You should be with me

“I know you want it. I know you want it.” Untz untz untz.

My heart’s not complete
without you here with me

My heart will love a lovey dream’s love, but only in my heart. I love a heart with my dreams and love. Love will dream a night again. Caaaan you feel the loooove toniiiight? It makes us soooouuund liiiike shiiiiiit.

Cuz your love’s all a boy could ever need

Wow. Terrible. The guitar solo’s fine, though, but I can’t help but to think a grown-up pre-recorded that one for you.

Yeah! Girlfriend, I wanna be your Boyfriend
You’re the one, the only one for me
Yeah! Girlfriend, I wanna be your Boyfriend
Take my hand and take a chance with me
Come on let’s hear this guitar – come on!

Aaand breathe.

Good one, Patrice. Although I must say that you’re kinda losing your edge. I know you probably weren’t super-involved with his particular number, but I do hope that your trademark terribleness reaches its peak again very soon. I’ll still be here, Patrice. I’ll still be here.