So I went down to McDonald’s today to go on that job interview and I couldn’t possibly feel more betrayed. My attempts to reiterate to those wretched philistines how nicely I would treat those patties and what good, gentlemanly care I would take of the cucumbers seemed irrelevant to their incomprehensible desires. They did what all those heinous interviewers do and ask me asinine questions about “my experience” and whether or not I have “qualifications” or “skill”. Typical. Just utterly typical.
Walking out of there I saw those who were taking the interview after me. They all looked successful and I guess fast food chains really only care about looks these days. I am tired of this dreadful shallowness. On this night, I will have my revenge. Revenge for all of those jobs I’ve desired so much in my life, but can never have because managers clearly despise and loathe me. I will destroy those who did this to me.
All of those attractive people who live hedonistic lives of pleasure next to the frechy frie-ma-jig, I will destroy, because they never accepted me as one of them. I will kill them all and make them suffer, just as they have made me suffer. It is only fair, especially seeing as, again, this has got everything to do with the fact that I don’t fulfil every criteria that our society has for attractiveness and nothing to do with me being unqualified or a gun-toting psychopath.
I would have to kill my housemates too to get them outta the way. In fact, I’d even enjoy stabbing them both to death while they slept, because they too are fools that live in blissful unawareness of how happy they are to have had jobs given to them unconditionally just because they’re more good-looking than me, which is totally how that works.
Here I am, 24 years old, dumb as a rock and still no job. I don’t get it. For Chrissakes, I’m nice!! Why don’t they want me working for them? It’s so unfair that all I have to console myself with is my own automobile and being the son of a man who’s probably pretty fucking rich, being the assistant director of Hunger Games and all that jazz, while other people get to *GASP* have jobs. You see? My life still sucks. You denied me a happy life, and in turn I will deny all of you life. I’m sure none of you people actually give a shit about my existence (which according to anyone that isn’t me is probably for the better), but fuck it, you still live the life I want and therefore I am qualified to take it from you. Bang bang, suckers.
On the day of retribution, I am going to enter the busiest employment agency I can find and I will slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, slut in there. All those jobs that they teased me with, avenged at last. And then I will murder everyone that has a job, because why the hell not? I’ll take great pleasure in slaughtering all of you. You will finally see that I am in truth the superior one. The true employee of the month.
EDIT: Oh yeah, the main reason I wanted that McDonald’s job is that there were always such hot girls there. Because clearly it’s okay to be a shallow dipshit that only cares about the supposed fuckability factor of something as long as it’s girls we’re talking about. What? Girls are for hassing sex or else you shoot dem. You didn’t know? Hurr.
Victor's note: I know this isn't my funniest or most effortful article, but man is it nice to get my anger at this Elliot Rodger clown out of the system.