I can’t stand teenagers. And when I say teenagers I don’t necessarily refer to every teenager to ever have been a teenager. I say it in the same way that misanthropes like to boast their oh so edgy hatred of “people”. They don’t hate people. They just hate humanity as a species, but still recognize that good people exist and do good things for the world. I am, of course, feeling similarly about the species of teenagers.

I know some intelligent and/or lovable teenagers, but this is only because I choose my friends carefully. In general, however, adolescence tends to come with a variety of most loathesome side effects, ranging from beliefs that teens understand the world better than adults, beliefs that sex and drugs are going to solve everything in the world ever, beliefs that their problems are problems to anyone besides them, and of course, beliefs that movies are automatically better if they contain (a) boobies and guns, or (b) conventionally attractive males with prominent abdominal musculature. Couple that with some whining and obnoxious behaviour and you should probably have the stereotypical “Teenager” pictured in your mind.

Anyways, I read an article on Cracked the other day that explained why the Academy Awards don’t actually matter as much as people think. One reason for this is that the vast majority of those who pick out the annual Oscar nominees are old, white males. Now, I can understand that this lack of diversity makes one question what makes the Academy reliable in whom or what they regard as great, but I personally would rather put my trust in elderly men who have most likely read about and studied film for decades than I would those who determine the winners of, say, The Teen Choice Awards.

I'm talking about the kind of people who gladly give awards to shit like this.

I’m talking about the kind of idiots who gladly give awards to shit like this.

If you go and read about any annual Teen Choice Awards ceremony on Wikipedia, you’ll see from all the names mentioned that we’ve entered a whole other realm. Did you roll your eyes when finding out that High School Musical star Zac Efron of all people was chosen as a presenter at this year’s Oscar ceremony? Well, imagine a whole ceremony dedicated to actors like that. Are the movies mentioned there good? Are they bad? Does it matter? They contain things that teens, tweens, and whine-machines love (see above) and really, what do you need beyond that?

At least they let viewers vote, but you don’t need to be Roger Ebert to tell that these guys aren’t exactly, well, Roger Ebert. You can tell it’s not like they study film criticism, know anything about filmmaking or, given all the awards that have been blindly thrown at Bieber, possess the ability to recognize a shitty person. They mostly just give accolades to whatever sells, as if that somehow determines its quality, and will only occasionally reward something that’s actually well-made and artistically valuable.

How they, for instance, managed to see this in Black Swan when giving awards to a fucking Twilight movie the exact same year I do not know, but it could just be that Natalie Portman is really hot and so “that movie she was in that everyone talks about must be good”. I am one who understands that there’s more to that or any other film than the attractiveness of its stars, but I’m not sure if modern teens agree with me on this. They generally need very little besides the stuff that, well, is specifically manufactured to pander to their underdeveloped tastes.

Do you think a movie is better because it has cute boys in it? Wonderful. Rest assured that the rest of us are looking at you like this:

What I hate even more about teenagers is how cranky they tend to get when I point this out. They get so riled with me whenever I claim that something is “for kids” or “for teens” that I can’t bother thinking of a simile.

Contrary to their beliefs, I am not trying to insult their tastes when pointing out things like this. I’m simply acknowledging that teenagers, due to their developing senses of taste, are an easy demographic for major music companies and film studios to sell stuff to. Yes, if you’re a teen or a kid, chances are the stuff you like didn’t require a great deal of effort in order to please you, and that you like it simply because it contains elements you’ve been taught to approve of no matter where they appear – e.g. poop jokes, explosions or pretty boys ‘n girls. I don’t even blame you guys for this so much as I blame companies for taking advantage of you.

If you want a slightly more scientific method that explains why teenagers usually can’t be considered very bright – Ze Frank and Rainn Wilson, at your service:

There’s no use in being angry when someone is simply stating the fact that most of us aren’t very wise during our early years. I say this in a sardonic way, but the truth is that we all go through stupid phases when we’re teens. Have a laugh about them instead and do not be ashamed of the things you went through to become who you are.

We also grow out of them and some do so quickly. Even most of those that fit into the stereotypes I’m describing above will one day grow into something great of their own. We all get there. We’re just gonna be really obnoxious and dumb for a bit before our time comes.


UNRELATED: Yes, I read Cracked articles in my spare time. What of it, man?

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