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Good day, dear readers!

I’m here to say something very important and I hope you’ll understand me better after I’ve shared this with you guys. I have given this much thought and I am hoping to leave my keyboard with a feeling of relief after I finish writing this post. It is something that I have been wanting to get off my chest ever since a truly inspiring person wrote me a piece of hate mail that made everything make sense to me at last. What I want to say is this:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for every dumb thing I have said, I’m sorry for all the times I’ve refused to admit that I’m wrong, and I especially want to apologize to a YouTuber whose tremendous talents I have been too blind to fully realize this whole time. The YouTuber I want to apologize to is PewDiePie.

My new favourite.

My new favourite.

 

A while back, I wrote an article in which I criticized him for lazy jokes, a trite ‘screaming’ shtick and just coming off as all-around irritating. I received tons and tons of hate mail for this, and I still do, and I failed to understand what they were all trying to convey to me. But then, one day, came enlightenment in the form of a commentor named Mariela.

When Mariela wrote the following crushing rebuttal to my 1000+ word post, at that very moment, all became clear. It was brutal, difficult, but it helped me understand how wrong I’ve been for so long.

Mariela

Dis is a hate comentary on your post, wif pour grammar and foolish points. Does I get an spot on obligatory hate mail now? Pewdiepie is not a Let’s play! And Comparing him to Jonny Depp is like compairing a delicious organic cupcake to a Kit kat. The first is supposed to be good AND healthy (as a metaphor for entertaining and professional) and the second is only supposed to be good ( entertaining).

Being the arrogant and close-minded person I was, I refused to believe this actually happened to me. I was angry, sad, frustrated and filled with irrational hatred when this happened, but I didn’t admit it to myself until she wrote this a short while later:

Mariela

Oh, yeah, and you are just jealous of Peuds, go get a life or something.

At this point, everything became clear. When I first read this I had to go into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror for a while. I then looked at my hands and thought of what a monster I have become. In the end, I became glad. I wanted to thank Mariela for utilizing her astounding linguistics and logical thinking skills to succesfully get me to open my eyes. So, Mariela, thank you so much. For everything. For making me a better person. For helping me understand the genius of PewDiePie. For getting me to finally man up and admit that I am jealous.

I am. I a really am. Jealous of the high octave at which he blurts his rape jokes. Jealous of his admirable ability to scream at video games even though they’re really not that scary. Jealous of the fact that he’s famous. No, I’m not jealous of other famous people because they’re famous. Just him. PewDiePie. The web’s funniest, awesomest, most wickedly talented YouTuber ever.

And honestly, I believe that it is high time I apologized for everything I’ve done wrong during the time I’ve run this blog. So, if you don’t mind, here are some more people I want to give my sincerest apologies:

schneider-7228Rob Schneider: I’m sorry that I implied your movies aren’t very funny. It wasn’t until these past few days of my life that I truly saw the brilliance of all the fart, poop, dick, piss, and boob comedy you’ve blessed Hollywood with. So Rob, dear Rob, as I’m sure the great Ebert himself would’ve said: “Mr. Schneider, your movie rocks!” Keep pushing the boundries with your out-of-the-box sense of humour, man. Godspeed!

 

 

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george lucsGeorge Lucas: I get it now, Lucas. When you envisioned Star Wars, you never wanted it to evolve into an epic space opera that influenced the film industry more powerfully than any franchise known to man. You wanted a racist cartoon with toilet humour and special effects present in just about every shot. I was foolish to scorn the vision you so clearly wanted and that you now have the power and money to fulfil. George, I am sorry, but also happy that you’ve come so far that you can have Darth Vader scream an over-the-top “NOOO” in the Return of The Jedi Blu-ray without people telling you no. You’re a true hero.

directioner Directioners: Wow, I don’t even know where to start. I’m sorry I said that telling Mitch Lucker’s kid to commit suicide right after her father passed away made you look like cruel little shits and that you have a bad taste in music. People can’t have bad taste. That’s just a myth. Everything is good to someone, that means it’s good to me too. What else can I say, really? You were right, I was wrong and One Direction are totally cute and awesome. #YOLO

 

stephStephenie Meyer: No matter what I’ve said of your work in the past, Stephenie, know that my recent experience of enlightenment has lead me to understand what a deep and profound author you are. Sparkling vampires, boys without shirts, Kristen Stewart; the world has so much unique greatness to thank you for that I hope you can forgive some of my harsh words about Twilight and people who read it. Keep being you, okay? Cheers!

goddyGod: Dear God; our Lord; our Father; I beg thine forgiveness. I’m sorry I spent so many years doubting Your existence and occasionally arguing with religious folk about it. It was utterly foolish of me. I have now joined the local church and will hopefully be forgiven for my sins, especially since I so stupidly failed to see all the abundant evidence that totally prooves that You do exist, such as… oh dear, look at the time, I need to get to the rest now. Sorry, guys.

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gaddafiMuammar Gaddafi: I’m sorry I wasn’t sad when you died and that I said you were a bad leader. People were right. I should try to do better myself before I speak. What sort of rational person forms an opinion of someone before trying to do exactly what they do, right?

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Gee, I wonder what the demographic for this is?

Justin Bieber: I don’t know what I was thinking, Bieber. I don’t know how I could think that doing what you do makes you look like an idiot and your fans look like even bigger idiots for not seeing what I see. How could I? I… Just… sorry.

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onisionOnision: Well, okay. Let’s not get too carried away here. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

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I can think of several others I should apologize to, but listing them all here would take too long. So instead, I say this: I will from this moment on never give a negative review to anything, never make fun of something silly and never feel anything but positivity and love towards everyone and everything I encounter, be it YouTubers, actors, musicians, deities or dictators that look like Prince John from Disney’s Robin Hood. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Oh and I almost forgot:

♦ H A P P Y    A P R I L  1st,  G U Y S!  A P R I L  F O O L ! ♦

Sike! I’m not sorry about any of this stuff. Not about calling PewDiePie untalented, not about my atheism and DEFINITELY not about that fucking Bieber. I sure got you suckers good there, didn’t I? Expect more negative reviews, angry rants and me making fun of hate mail shortly. (You guys didn’t think I was serious did ya?)

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