Well well, it appears that I’ve missed one of Patrice Wilson’s latest gems. I don’t normally do commentaries on them if it’s performed by any non-Rebecca singer we’ve already seen – in this case, it’s Alison Gold of respected “Chinese Food” fame – but I’ve been eager to find more adorably shitty tween pop songs to tear a new one, so dear readers, I simply could not resist having a look at Wilson’s YouTube page to see if he’s released anything new as of late. Turns out I’m four months late. “ABCDEFG” has been online since November. Sheesh.

And yes, that is seriously the title of the song. I strongly suspect that this is going to be the most educational and informative piece of literary awesomeness since “Friday”.

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ABCDEFG

(Follow along by looking at the incredibly disturbing video that… um… never mind)

A stands for Anything you want to have
B comes when you believe, Believe

And sometimes when there’s a giant black man grinning at a female 12-year-old through the window of the latter’s bedroom, which is part of a house in a miniature suburbia that Wilson seemingly has constructed himself and no doubt is inhabited by more little girls for him to watch over as their God.

Long story short: we’re off to a damn good start.

C will come when you take a Chance
D falls in line when you open up the Door

You know, I’m not gonna make the joke that you guys are already making in your heads.

I want to take it step by step, the way we do it is my best
The way we try to fit the rest
Uh, never can confess

I gotta say that the “uh” here is a nice touch. It’s like you were thinking so hard trying to come up with rhymes for the word “rest” that you accidentally wrote all of your “uh”s and “um”s into the text.

This does my mind some stress
Never get past this test
Press, always try to impress the best
When you feel a pain in your chest
You know that you passed the test

And clearly all that thinking has paid off since you’re now apparently throwing in all the rhymes you can find, no matter how little sense they make in context.

This feeling is like ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP

Oh, that kind of feeling. Of course.

You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, if you just see
ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP
You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, if you just see

Ooh, aah, eeh, and sometimes Y. (Note that the letter Y never actually makes an appearance anywhere in this piece. Wilson has stated in interviews that referencing any letter beyond the letter P would put the song on too high a level for the intended intellectual demographic. It is a choice of such wisdom that only a man like him would come to think of it.)

Heading to the party, thinking to myself
All these mixed emotions, now I need some help

I’ll say.

It’s hard to focus, but I gotta take a chance
I need somebody to help me through
All these feelings that I’m dealing with
These feelings that I can’t resist
These feelings that I need need a friend by my side
Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do

… I… I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I want to take it step by step, the way we do it is my best
The way we try to fit the rest
Uh, never can confess
This does my mind some stress
Never get past this test

What? But you know a total of 15 letters of the alphabet! I’d say you’ve got this test in the bag.

Press, always try to impress the best
When you feel a pain in your chest
You know that you passed the test

There’s indeed nothing more painful than finding out you haven’t failed a test. Because that’s the message you’re conveying with this bit, right? That you get a pain in your chest when you find out that you’ve done good on a test? Right? Right?!

This feeling is like ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP

But not QRSTUVWXYZ, and especially not ÅÄ or Ö. God forbid!

You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, if you just see
ABCD EFG
HIJKLMNOP
You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, if you just see

This chorus gets more and more poignant the more times I read it.

And you take it slow
This is the way you grow your fro

At this point Patrice joins in on the singing. Great, I was wondering when he was getting his obligatory solo. It seems to me that he’s singing about growing an afro. Is Alison Gold the one you want to do that, Wilson? I’m afraid I don’t think she’s got the correct hair type for it, pal. It’s tragic, but…

(Grow your fro)
Can’t say no
Cause you are grow

“You are grow. I like grow. I Patrice Wilson. I am good grammar and musics.”

Woah, she’s going to tell you no
This is so getting crazy
I think she’ll call you maybe

Hmm. This reminds me of a song I’ve heard before but, I dunno, I can’t remember the name of it. People didn’t overplay it enough for me to instantly jump on the bandwagon and blast it at max volume it day in and day out, you see.

But you might just be shady
Can’t mess with Mrs. Daisy

I don’t know who Mrs. Daisy is but she sounds real scary, she does.

This feeling is like ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP

БГДЖЗЙЛПФЦЧЫ

You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, if you just sing
ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP
You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, if you just sing

Aw yeah! One more time!

ABCDEFG
HIJKLMNOP
You got me thinking I will be, on a one-way street
Ooh, ooh, don’t you wanna see

Ha ha, oh you guys. Never change.

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Well, that was fun. Not as bad as some of the other songs I’ve written commentaries for but it works as a “filler episode” if you will.

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