Self-proclaimed social justice enforcers don’t think all men are killers. Killers do.

To all those who don’t think murder jokes are a problem, or just enjoy dark comedy in g- … Nah I’m just kidding. Only ONE category of black comedy is bad. It’s true ‘cuz I read it on Tumblr.


I get it, you’re a decent guy. Or girl. I can buy that. You’ve never killed anybody. In fact there might be a slim chance you never would kill anybody. You’re merely upset that all these people who seem to believe that one category of black comedy is somehow more harmfully offensive than any other keep getting in your way with their relentless whining social commentary.

And they’ve told you about triggers and how zero in six people is a survivor of being murdered, and you get it. You do. But you can’t just let everyone that feels upset get in the way of you simply sitting your ass down and shutting up during a basic Seth MacFarlene stand-up without acting as if exaggerated scenarios involving a certain action is directly equatable to outright mocking the victims of said action, right? (It almost sounds silly when I describe it, but it’s not. I promise.)

So fine. If all those arguments aren’t doing anything for you, let me tell you something. And I tell you this because I genuinely believe you mean it when you say you don’t want to gut anybody alive and eat their spleen, and that it’s important to you to do your best to be a decent and good person (even though, spoiler alert, I say at the end of the article that I probably don’t believe it). Just as I genuinely believe you when you say you’d never associate with a murderer do I believe you when you say that you think murder really is, well, not very nice. But this is why I shan’t take murder jokes sitting down:

A lot of people accuse cops, preachy vegans and over-the-top misanthropes of thinking that all people are killers. That isn’t true (okay, it probably is in some cases but I don’t find that relevant), but do you know who do think all people are killers? KILLERS do!!

No, really! I’m totally serious! They really do. It comes out again and again in multiple psychological studies. Yes, people somehow keep figuring out that people who think it’s okay to do horrible things think it’s okay to do horrible things, with some also saying that they will most probably continue to think so even if they don’t hear you laughing at a certain kind of joke, but that is such a preposterously stupid thing to say that you half expect them to start saying that murder jokes are no different from jokes about other morally reprehensible hate crimes. (Can you guys imagine if there was a parallell Universe where someone made these arguments about rape jokes, for instance? Ha. Golly.)

But for real, pretty much all killers genuinely believe that muder is fine (whoa!), and that other people just keep it secret. Furthermore, these people who truly are legitimate killers are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of humanity being killers just like them by things like murder jokes and Dexter re-runs that normalize the idea of murder. Oh and Grand Theft Auto.

Here’s the thing: It’s very likely that in some of the seemingly innocent interactions you’ve had with everyday people, at some point or another someone told a murder joke. You, angelic boy scout that you are, understood that they didn’t mean it, and it was just a joke. And so you laughed. That, or you might’ve told them that the joke had a lazy set-up, a poor execution and really loathesome timing.

And, decent guy who would never kill someone, who would step in and stop murder if he saw it, who understands that murder is awful and wrong and bad; when you laughed, that actual murderer who might have been in the group with you thought that you were on his side. Oh yeah! That murderer knew that you were a murderer like him. Uh-huh! And he felt validated. He felt that he was amongst his comrades. That means you!

YOU. The devil’s advocate. I mean… killer’s comrade.

And if that doesn’t make you feel sick to your stomach, if that doesn’t make you want to throw up, if it doesn’t shock you to the point of fucking coma that people who like to do deranged shit might just kinda-sorta think that it’s okay to do deranged shit (that is, of course, unless nobody laughed the last time someone joked about it because then they’re practically through rehab) OR make you feel like maybe you should at least consider not participating in that kind of humour anymore…

Well, you’re probably responsible for 9/11. Tisk.

[Video totally not related]