Patrice Wilson. Apparently that’s the the name of the probably pedophilic and definitely talentless culprit we have to stop! I just got to know that after having worked on such profoundly powerful musical productions as Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and Nicole Westbrook’s “It’s Thanksgiving”, he has now blessed the world with yet another 13-year-old girl who sings of her undying love towards something so trivial and irrelevant that not even TMZ would think to care about it.

The thing that everyone does care about, however, is the mere fact that this video exists and, being the “untalanted tween”-enthusiast that I am, I am dying to take a look at the lyrics, which I’m sure won’t be a disappointment! I do however expect some family friendly racism that’d maybe been appropriate in a 1940’s Disney flick.

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Chinese Food

(Follow along by looking at… well, you know.)

After balling,
I go clubbing
Then I’m hugging

I’m moderately curious as to what clubs allow guests under 13.

Then I’m hungry and I’m walking on the street
And I’m getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy

Y’know, I honestly don’t know if I can make it through this one, guys. This one is clearly way too intense and exciting for me. I could suffer a cardiac attack seizure.

I see Chow, by my right
I smell food in the air
It’s Chinese Food, my favorite
So I’m getting getting getting getting hungry

I don’t think the message is clear enough yet. What food is it you like, exactly?

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
You know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

Listening to this reminds me of how much I’d rather be eating that stuff than listening to a song about how great it is. Maybe that was the idea? To not only make you want to go eat Chinese food, but to make you want to do anything at all besides listening to another Patrice Wilson masterpiece? ‘Cuz it’s working.

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
You know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

Okay, I think I finally get what you’re trying to get across here, Alison. You’re trying to say that you’re a big fan of tacos, right?

Read the menu
They got broccoli

OMG that’s my favorite dish! How did you know, Alison? How did you?

Even chicken wings
Make it spicy
And you like it
Cause it’s beautiful
And it tastes so so so good

The time it must have taken you to come up with that last bit of lyrical brilliance is incomprehensible. I especially like the rhymes.

Also, did I mention that the video, at least the version of it I’ve linked to, has subtitles in a bunch of different languages? Why is that? Either Wilson figured in his infinite wisdom that nothing screams “China” like a bunch of random languages that aren’t Chinese or he just intended to spread the message of the unbeatable Chinese food to every other nation on the planet.

I like their egg rolls
And their wonton soup
This makes me feel so so good
Fortune cookies, tell my future
Chinese Chinese Food

Once again: profound.

Also, I know that I’m supposed to focus primarily on the text of the song here, but I simply must bring it to your attention that this is the part of the wholesome, innocent tween music video where a large black man in a Panda suit shows up and starts playing with Alison. Oh, and his name’s Patrice Wilson.

Just thought I’d point that out. You’re welcome. Enjoy.

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
You know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein
I love Chinese food (Yeah)
You know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

Hmm… Maybe she’s singing about her love towards Italian meatballs? Gosh, it’s too subtle for me.

Yo!
I like Chinese food
And some Wonton soup

Oh and there’s Panda-Wilson now, singing his own part of the song. You can tell who’s the brain behind this operation.

Get me broccoli
While I play Monopoly

simon-cowell

Don’t be a busy bee
Cause it’s your fantasy
To eat Chinese food

I liked you guys better when you weren’t trying to think up rhymes.

Egg roll and Chop Suey
I use the chopsticks
To eat pot sticks
Put some hot sauce and sweet and sour make it sweet

Am I the only who reads this with the voice a five-year-old inside my head? Because this all sounds remarkably similar to a five-year-old trying to describe food.

Because Chinese food takes away my stress
Now I’m going to go eat Panda Express

Bullseye!

The chorus repeats a few times after this bit, but I think you’ve seen enough.

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I don’t even know what to say anymore. Songs like this have basically made up their own genre at this point. “Chinese Food” is another laughable trainwreck featuring an auto-tuned tween and if that’s all these fools aspire to create then they have succeeded in that regard, I’ll give ’em that! 10/10.

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