This one is unspeakable.

This one is unspeakable.

Beauty.

Beauty.

Enough said.

Enough said.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and dogs. I am pleased to announce that the day has finally arrived. The day when a film company known as The Asylum just gave up and stopped making blockbuster knock-offs so cheap that a homeless person could sufficiently fund them and instead decided to show us their true colors by creating something where its title alone should be enough to tell you the magnitude of cinematic brilliance and awesomeness you’re in for.

That movie is Sharknado. See? Right there. The title is enough. You just know right away that it’s gonna be hysterically stupid. But hey, you also know that you’re gonna have to watch it anyway just to see exactly how stupid it’s gonna get. It’s ingenious, isn’t it?

The plot focuses on a CGI tornado that hits the ocean and thus starts flinging around a bunch of hungry roaring CGI sharks that swallow people whole (y’know, instead of using at least one of their rows of CGI teeth) and swim around in chlorinated water and sewage lines when they aren’t busy spinning around inside a natural weather phenomenon. I will require an honest answer to this question: do you seriously need more than that?

Do I need to tell you that surprisingly not-CGI (but still less convincing than the sharks) Tara Reid appears and that she and her friends need to find a way to escape from a city flooded with shark-infested water? Do I need to tell you their relationships? Do I need to tell you who dies first and how it affects the rest of the cast? I don’t think I do. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here because of a disaster movie where the scientific accuracy makes Roland Emmerich look knowledgeable, and that it’s going to be so mind-numbingly insane that you have no choice but to tune in to SyFy and see what exactly’s going to happen.

Giving 'Birdemic' a run for its zero dollar budget.

Giving ‘Birdemic’ a run for its zero dollar budget.

For years now, The Asylum has created their answers to whatever Hollywood blockbuster was popular during a certain year, each more laughably asinine than the last. These have been neatly referred to as “mockbusters”. I do, however, think that we all know that deep down, the movie Sharknado is the movie they wanted to make all along and now that it exists, it can probably be called their magnum opus, as it were.

After all, some of the reviews for the film are just about as amazing as the movie itself. A review seen on IMDb refers to Sharknado as “a heart-warming, coming of age story about a ragtag group of sharks uprooted from their home by mother nature’s fury. The sharks must band together and overcome chainsaw wielding humans and B-list actors trying, desperately, to throw themselves into the displaced sharks’ mouths every chance they get.” Another stated: “Save yourself 2 hours and go to the aquarium.” I think their CGI would be slightly more convincing, though.

I still sometimes wonder whether these guys are for real. Is this a Birdemic or a Kung Pow? Are they James Nguyen or Tim & Eric? Are they really this clueless as to how to make anything good or are they just creating stupid stuff on purpose because they know it’s gonna make people curious? With several references to Jaws that would make Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg cringe and throw up, and a title screen at the end that reads “fin”, you can always assume that they knew what they were doing and that they have succesfully trolled every single one of us. Good job! But the movie’s still the way it is so you’re awarded with my notorious 0/5 rating, which I must remind you can very well mean that Sharknado is, in fact, so bad it’s good and thus it succeeds in what it set out to do! Massive congratulations!

Oh, and did you know that before he unfortunately passed away recently, Glee star Corey Monteith wrote about this movies on Twitter as the two final Tweets of his entire life? That’s basically how is death actually caught my attention in the first place (I don’t watch Glee, nor do I plan to) because let me tell ya, that is one hell of a note to go out on.

Here’s the trailer and as the tagline of the film suggests: “Enough said.”

0/5 whatever

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