You know when people get to a certain, rebellious age where they feel required to flaunt their sexuality and develop aspirations of getting as drunk, high and, well, injured as possible before they get too old in order to show how big and grown they’ve finally gotten? Well, chance would have it that Miley Cyrus has entered that stage lately, possibly for the sake of more YouTube hits. Either way, I am now gonna go through the lyrics of a song that shows us Cyrus’ transition from a little girl to a little girl who wants to be a woman.

Now, before I start looking at the lyrics of her unusually naughty recent music video, “We Can’t Stop”, please note that I think guys who flaunt their sex lives, usually as part of a desperate search for  more attention, are just as obnoxious and irritating as the girls who do it, so you can just calm down and cease your worries that I am a sexist. We good? Great, let’s start!

We Can’t Stop

(Follow along by looking at the *ahem* video)

“It’s our party we can do what we want

It’s our party we can say what we want

It’s our party we can love who we want”

You’re starting to see what I mean?

“We can kiss who we want

We can sing what we want”

Actually, anything by Miley Cyrus is off-limits.

“It’s our party we can do what we want

It’s our party we can say what we want

It’s our party we can love who we want

We can kiss who we want We can sing what we want”

Just one thing. Does “doing what you want” include peeing in mopping buckets? Because this “I can do what I want”-mentality seems to function amongst young celebrities outside of this party you’re mentioning as well. Isn’t that right, Justin Bieber, you little shit?

“Red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere

Hands in the air like we don’t care

‘Cause we came to have so much fun now

Bet somebody here might get some now”

Apparently “now” rhymes with “now”. Who knew?

“If you’re not ready to go home

Can I get a “Hell, no!”? (Hell no)”

Uh, actually I’m quite ready to go home but thanks for asking. 

“‘Cause we’re gonna go all night

‘Til we see the sunlight, alright”

Yeah, you do that. I think I’ll skip out on this slutty, brightly colored and poorly edited party if that’s alright with you. 

“So la da di da di

We like to party

Dancing with Miley

Doing whatever we want

This is our house

This is our rules

And we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

Can’t you see it’s we who own the night?”

If the neighbours don’t call the cops, I will personally call the neighbours and tell them to call the cops.

“Can’t you see it’s we who ’bout that life?”

In English, please.

“And we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

We run things, things don’t run we”

English, Miley. 

“Don’t take nothing from nobody”

Oh, alright! Screw English!

“Yeah, yeah It’s our party we can do what we want

It’s our party we can say what we want

It’s our party we can love who we want

We can kiss who we want

We can sing what we want”

Okay, fine. You can do what you want. Sure. As long as you don’t go all Bieber and think your fame entitles you to piss in the first good bucket you can find (Again, Justin, what was that?), I’m sure you won’t do much damage. I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna do something that crushes your daddy’s soul or anyth-

“To my home girls here with the big butt

Shaking it like we at a strip club”

Huh… I think I just heard Billy Ray Cyrus run outside and dig a grave for him to spin in.

Also, Miley can’t twerk. But she’ll get there. Oh don’t you worry.

“Remember only God can judge ya

Forget the haters ’cause somebody loves ya”

When the only person who loves you is an invisible, genocidal bearded man in the sky, I wouldn’t say that’s a very good sign.

“And everyone in line in the bathroom

Trying to get a line in the bathroom”

“Get it? Because the word ‘line’ can also refer to a line of cocain? See how grown-up and R-rated I can be? I’m an adult now guys! Look, look, look!”

“We all so turned up here

Getting turned up, yeah, yeah

So la da di da di

We like to party

Dancing with Miley

Doing whatever we want

This is our house

This is our rules

And we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

Can’t you see it’s we who own the night?

Can’t you see it’s we who ’bout that life?”

Seriously. That’s not English. Stop it.

And we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

We run things, things don’t run we

Oh can it, Yoda!

“Don’t take nothing from nobody

Yeah, yeah

It’s our party we can do what we want

It’s our party we can say what we want

It’s our party we can love who we want

We can kiss who we want

We can sing what we want

It’s our party we can do what we want to

It’s our house we can love who we want to

It’s our song we can sing if we want to”

It’s a good thing the song isn’t the least bit repetitive so that there’s at least something to enjoy whilst enduring the weird visuals of the wannabe surrealist music video.

“It’s my mouth I can say what I want to”

If you could choose, I’m sure you would have written in something else you can do with that mouth, but I’m sure you felt that Billy’s suffered enough.

“Say yeah, yeah, yeah, ehh

And we can’t stop, yeah

And we won’t stop, oh

Can’t you see it’s we who own the night?

Can’t you see it’s we who ’bout that life?

And we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

We run things, things don’t run we

Don’t take nothing from nobody”

Ain’t gonna take no shit from nobody no more. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ehh

Ahh, perfect. Just… just perfect. Bravo.

Well, I don’t know what to say. I’m sure we all knew that Miley Cyrus would end up doing videos like this one eventually. I mean, judging from the movie Spring Breakers, stuff like this appears to be the inescapable fate of anyone who started their careers as child actors on Disney Channel.

Serves ’em right for ruining Disney.

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