If you find any of the following harsh, just make a parody video of me wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. That’ll teach me who’s boss!

On YouTube, one or two or hundreds of you may or may not at some point have come across a pseudo-famous vlogger known as Onision. In short: if Maddox is the Roger Ebert of Internet ranting, this asshole’s the Armond White.

The narcissistic and often hypocritical YouTuber in question recently announced that his current victim partner has become pregnant, meaning that we will soon have ourselves a miniature Onision running around, who will no doubt inherit daddy’s infamous traits. Such as mocking everyone that self-harms, somehow mistaking that for giving them help, manipulating counter-arguments and criticisms into making it seem like he’s the butt monkey (Did I mention he’s a vegetarian?) and quite evidently being of the unusual opinion that logic and facts don’t really have much bearing so long as they oppose his opinions. Obviously, the Onision fandom is celebrating this event.

The rest of us, though, as you may have gathered by some of my statements above, are more doubtful that Onision is apt for the role of a father. One of “us”, namely the man who inspired me to write this article in the first place, is The Amazing Atheist, who posted the following on his Tumblr in response to the recent news:

Needless to say, it made me giggle.

Needless to say, it made me giggle.

Now, since I found this post to be very funny (“as fuck”, if you will), but it wasn’t rebloggable, I decided to screencap it and share it on my own Tumblr. And this is where we get to the fun part.

A mere 5 minutes or so after I had posted this screenshot, guess who reblogged it and attached an accordingly defensive comment? Oh, I’ll tell you who:


The fact that I don’t see how you can be “down to” a planet you’ve clearly never visited is only the beginning of what’s wrong with this.

I have a friend who continuously boasts about the time they got one of their fan messages read out loud in one of Onision’s vids on vegetarianism. The next time we meet, I am going to tell them “Yeah well, Onision reblogged me after I shared a post of him getting royally burned by a funnier, more intelligent, more honest and just all around better YouTube vlogger than him, so HAH!”

The reason this is so great isn’t just that he chose to reblog the post directly from measly old me. It’s also that it supports both the already pretty much proven notion that he can dish it out but he can’t take it, as well as that he still exists on this separate plane of reality where “most” people regard him as this towering, sagacious wiseman who’s right about all that he preaches about to his blissfully gullible demographic (and where 17 isn’t underage), which I must point out is something he makes sure to insist on curiously often for someone who seems so sure of his own spotlessness and honesty. Basically, it reminded me, and probably others, of what’s so outright fucking wrong with Onision.

Anyone who is a fan of Onision after seeing all of his videos is, as far as I’m concerned, a hopeless case. If you’ve seen enough content of his to know of how he thinks it’s totally cool to poke fun at people who self harm whilst simultaneously pretending to be this sage bearer of useful advice for depressed teens, or how he thinks that wearing a funny police costume is perfectly appropriate when attempting to give advice to rape victims and you still remain a fan of him after that, then I just hope for the sake of humanity itself that it’s because you’re just as much of an incorrigible child as Onision himself. If not, then your invincible love towards him can probably best be described as the fandom equivalent of an abusive relationship, something I wouldn’t imagine Onision to be entirely unfamiliar with.

Yes, Onision fanboys. You may start bitching and crying about what a mean poopie-head I am now.

But of course, if Onision should ever get called out on any of the idiotic bullshit I mention, I’m sure he’d take the high road, acknowledge his wrongs, learn from them and let it go, thus proving once more that he knows how to maturely deal with the fact that not all of the things he says in his videos will be universally regarded as enlightening, good-natured or *cough* intelligent.

Y’know, just like when he copy-and-pasted his entire fucking Encyclopedia Dramatica article onto his blog (Yes, really) and shoddily tried to rebut every single goddamn word within the article, or when he rebutted all of MrRepzion’s multiple points against him by addressing, well, pretty much none of them (he even admitted to never have actually watched any of Repzion’s vids against him) and instead going into unwarranted drama queen mode whilst calling Repzion a stalker.

Just as well, I guess, because when he tries to be a grown-up and actually argue, but can’t get a hold of the person who put him in his place, we usually end up with stupid shit like this:

EDIT 2013-07-05: Or this if he feels an extra few brain cells short:

[It takes a truly special level of ‘pathetic’ in order for one to dedicate
the 4th of July to debating a fucking sock puppet… and still losing]

Oh and did I ever mention the time he also got angry over The Amazing Atheist’s comment? I did mention that, right? Okay, good. Moving on…

Now that I’ve written this post, I feel like this is the PewDiePie story all over again. I wrote about Pewdie once, didn’t feel like it was enough of an analysis on what my problems are with him and decided to do another post on him, only with more detail. I feel like the same thing happened here, except with a person who’s arguably even more deserving of negative criticism. I mean, in the PewDiePie article I just wrote about how I don’t like him in terms of entertainment, not expecting many people to give a shit, but with Onision I’m almost hoping that I can at least rescue some people from further heeding idiotic advice. Pewds I can just laugh off; Onision makes me genuinely concerned to the point of almost being kind of frightened for the sake of my generation.

I mean, we’re talking about a constantly self-victimizing dipshit who knowingly tries to give helpful advice to a young audience, thinks that mocking their serious issues is the correct way to go about it, falls back on his usual excuses of “just joking” when he gets called out on it (namely in the recent debate between him and Shelbyxpwns and someguy827, both of whom had their audio manipulated so that none of Onision’s precious fans would hear them tear his ass apart in the debate), appears to treat women with the same amount of respect with which I treat used paper towels, twists every counter-argument he can find upside-down so that it becomes easier for him to convince his equally brain-damaged fans that he’s just being bullied and promptly enters defensive crybaby mode whenever someone gives him negative feedback. This is no doubt intended as even more proof as to what a thick skin he has when it comes to criticism.

10155659_780432805377758_632411539_nIn fact, how much you wanna bet that if he finds this article (knowing him, he’ll probably seek it out deliberately) he’ll challenge me to a legit online debate and then accuse me of being a white-livered coward and bitch about me to his fans for three videos straight (per channel) when I simply state that I have better things to dedicate my existence to than attempting an actual discussion with a braindead man-baby? Or that if I just say yes, he’s gonna do one of his classic U-turns, instantly block me from his channel and call me “stalker”? That usually works too. Always keepin’ it classy, huh Greg?

But sure, go ahead big guy. Try to get my blog post taken down. I got document back-ups by the dozen. Oh, and do feel free to challenge me to a pointless debate too or whatever the fuck it is you like to do to fuel your “superior person” facade.

I honestly don’t know who I pity the most right now; his brainwashed fans, his current girlfriend or the ever-growing fetus within her womb.

That is all, dear readers. Always know where your towel is.

EDIT 2013-07-05: A protip – if you ever say something that prompts Onision into ranting about what a piece of shit you are, just remember that you can always send him the following video.
It’ll probably keep him occupied.

You’re welcome!