There was this article getting passed around on Facebook not too long ago, mostly amongst vegan and vegetarian users. What this piece tried to postulate was that we humans, contrary to popular belief, aren’t technically omnivores just because we can eat both plants and meat, and also that we’d presumably lead healthier lives altogether if we stuck to eating just the plants. The article presented some very elaborate facts about the nature of human beings, but because I am a hardcore meat fan, I have been asked to give a rebuttal to the whole thing and mercilessly pick it apart and counterargue it the way I usually do.

My counterargument? Okay, are you ready? Here we go …

I  DON’T  HAVE  ONE!

Nope, I’m not playing around. These guys are absolutely right in what they say. Humans aren’t by most definitions omnivores (or carnivores for that matter) and as a result not meant to be able to eat certain things. It’s true. Eating meat is indeed, in multiple respects, not good for me.Nbc_the_more_you_know

Oh, and hey – you guys know what else isn’t good for me? Candy. Right? Candy is a sugar-sweet nightmare for your dentine tissue and blood glucose levels and probably shouldn’t be eaten by anyone when you really think about it. You know what else isn’t good for me? Beer. Makes you do idiotic things you forget that you even did and leaves you with a hangover and a busted liver if you’re unfortunate. You know what else isn’t good for me? Cake, cookies, chips, soda, and most other things that people regularly drink, eat and do that you’re all totally okay with just because it doesn’t contain meat!

And you know what the really great thing is, you sanctimonious dildo? If none of the scientific articles you so proudly quote either prove that doing any of this surely/immediately kills me or that you’re qualified to tell me that I can’t do it, guess what? I’LL PROBABLY KEEP DOING IT!

Unrelated.

Yes, even when you’re this cogent.

Okay, so we’ve reached the catch, and I bet most of you saw it coming! The point is that vegans can recite facts that they’ve meaninglessly spent hours researching and try to make me change my mind all they damn well please, but I’ll just go ahead and say it: the amount of content you copy-paste from CarnistsExposed.Tumblr has no bearing on whether or not anyone will give a shit.

You see, since it’s already been established that I – in terms of sheer horrificness, I remind you – don’t find humans killing animals to be any worse than animals doing the job themselves, as opposed to what vegans still somehow believe, it appears that their Plan B is to instead convince me that not everything I eat is good for me, and that I will live longer if I discard meat for the sake of more plant-based nutrients. Not “avert a 100% certain death”. Just “live longer”.

They’ll normally try to achieve this by sharing lenghty articles on the subject and pass them around to each other on Tumblr and Facebook until you can practically hear them high-fiving each other through their computer screens over how they won the day once again and “totally got” those pesky meat-eaters by discovering soon-to-be-outdated scientific studies that happen to correspond with their allegedly universal set of morals. That’s all incredibly cute, guys. My question is:

Who the Hell wants to live forever?! 

People eat meat, they eat sweets, and they eat cake. Know what those three have in common? That’s right, dickhead: they’re things that people eat not because they’re either healthy nor necessary for our survival, but because they’re delicious. Yet somehow, we’re supposed to lose our shit upon discovering that ONE of those three will increase our chances of illness and obesity.

Even if veganism wasn’t really just about self-righteous idiots who want to be percieved as morally unblemished and actually had jack shit to do with health, why should we care that something isn’t completely healthy? I’d rather live a relatively short life that I enjoy wholeheartedly and on my own terms than to have some preachy moron with a Tumblr account force me into living a long and increasingly lonely one where all of my “stupid meat-eater friends” die first and all I can think to myself is: “Well… at least my poop smells better”. NOTE: This is all taking for granted that quitting meat would indeed be enough to magically achieve this fabled semi-immortality that obliterates the possibility of you ever dying young (which would still be past the age of 80 if I understand my meat-eating and still perfectly lively grandfather correctly).

But in spite of having these facts to strengthen their stance (disregarding the possibility that future research might contradict some of the studies they’ve cherry picked for their rants) vegans will usually not consider that enough. I have friends who are vegans and they’re all fucking awesome, but so is anyone I choose to call my friend. However, if you follow them on Tumblr, which I do mostly out of sheer politeness, you will see them reblog quite a bit of content from particularly testy vegan bloggers who state that mean dummies like me, who are perfectly willing to sacrifice a few health points for the sake of enjoying grandma’s homemade beef tenderloin every once in a while, deserve to be abused, tortured and burnt alive. Really, with classy persuasiveness like that don’t you just wonder why so few people take these morally supreme sweethearts seriously?

A look inside the head of a vegan blogger after a busy day at work.

A visual representation of a vegan blogger discovering the “but humans don’t have ACTUAL canines” argument for the first time.

Even though their attempts at sarcastic wit are usually nothing to write home about, these bloggers most definitely write some memorably raunchy shit about us meat-eaters “carnists” from time to time. This behaviour stems mainly from the fact that many of these dipshits, in addition to being friends to the animals, are also misanthropes. So they’re friends to all the animals except for us worthless humans, which makes complete sense once you consider the well-known fact that humans are the only creatures on the entire planet to ever have used the flesh of another creature as sustenance. Don’t tell me I’m wrong unless you want me to report you for cyberbullying, because clearly I’m still the victim if I aspire to punch you in the face in public for not eating your vegetables.

Oh, and just in case passing around all this info and promoting violence against only one specific species isn’t desperate enough an attempt to change people’s minds, can you guess which photo is still being shared on both Facebook and Tumblr? That’s right! That stupid worn-out photo that shows you how chickens nuggets look before looking like chicken nuggets:

How many times must people show you how food looks before being finished before they realize it doesn't matter?

How many times must people show you how food *looks* before being finished, before they realize that that’s irrelevant?

No real point has been made (still) of how the process of making chicken nuggets actually affects a consumer’s personal health or digestive system, at least not that I’ve read anywhere. We’re just supposed to stop thinking something tastes good because it used to look “icky”. More on why that’s bullshit here.

If the price I have to pay to live the life I want is a few more visits to the doctor’s office or maybe working out more often, fine! Guess what, dipshit? I’m still perfectly happy and if you believe that my happiness should matter less to me than the scent of my excrement, allow me to suggest that you never try to have a serious conversation with anyone.

“Oh, but you don’t need to eat meat to be happy.”

Bingo! You’re right again, I don’t need meat to be completely happy, but I don’t need to STOP eating meat to be completely happy either. It’s not that I require it; it’s that I fucking love it and have after tactful consideration concluded that nobody is taking it from me.

You may now stop acting as if eating meat is the same as smoking, doing drugs, bathing in absinthe and raping. Yes, I’ve actually heard a vegan compare meat-eaters to rapists. No comment necessary. Stupidity speaks for itself.

“Oh, but you can’t say that you like ‘eating meat’, because you can’t eat and digest raw flesh like other meat-eating animals do.”

Motherf-

Okay! Fine! You frickin’ win! I like seasoned ox meat, fried with onions and bell peppers, served with gravy and a side portion of fries, broccoli and garlic butter. Is that scientifically accurate enough a description of my tastes in food or do you want to have a seat on my couch so I can read you some of my favourite recipies before you’ll be truly satisfied?

Oh, but it’s still horrible of you to eat meat, because animals like lions were, unlike you, born with canines and sharp claws and are thus intended to eat meat and can’t survive without it.

Oh yeah, spot on! You really fucking nailed it with that one! “Remember kids, murder is always okay as long as you have sharper weapons, you’re good at killing and you have done it your whole life. If this is not the case, however, you’re an unnatural abomination who’s a gazillion times worse than Hitler. Class dismissed.”

If I ever become a lawyer I will try to see if the court accepts this bit of logic as I try to defend one of my clients. If they don’t, I’ll immediately show them the really long Tumblr post I wrote on the subject and that it got 999 notes so they’ll definitely know I’m right. That’s gonna teach those fuckers.

And to finish off this article: if pigs didn’t sign a fucking contract to get themselves or their children killed by hungry humans, what makes you think gazelles are totally fine with playing the role of lion chow in the food chain? I’m sorry, guys. Some animals are prey, others are hunters and just as Mother Nature in her infinite wisdom provided lions with canines and claws, so too did it provide humanity with the ability to craft hunting tools, fish, breed animals specifically for slaughter, herd cattle, and grind pepper on minute steak. Don’t like it? Tough. Stick to plants and keep your whiny ass away from my dinner.

If you feel the urge to remind me how horrible I am, to tell me some more common knowledge about the things I eat, or to do something else I couldn’t give less of a rat’s ass about, the comment section’s right here:

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