This one is unspeakable.

This one is unspeakable.

Birdemic badass

As you can see, this film isn’t exactly short on the hardcore action.

Catastrophical; uniquely bad

Catastrophical; uniquely bad

In anticipation of the recent sequel to a film called Birdemic (a sequel which I have not yet seen, I’m afraid), I find it only fitting that to start by reviewing the original movie that took the world by storm and started it all. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you what might very well be the worst movie ever created: Birdemic – Shock And Terror.

Disaster Movie may have been hopelessly insufferable and The Room may have been one of the most laughably stupid movies in existence. But those films are nothing compared to the awesome power that is Birdemic. Until I am proven wrong at some point in the future, this is, for the time being, the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. James Nguyen – be proud of your unique achievement.

The plot is a pathetic mimicry of Alfred Hitchcock‘s The Birds. Yes, just as Tommy Wiseau made a failed attempt to be Orson Welles, good ol’ James Nguyen makes an even worse attempt to be the next Hitchcock. Hitchcock, however, would laugh at how the birds in this film are much less convincing than those  he – or anyone else, for that matter – has ever used in a film. Imagine if you were to take a gif of a barely mobile eagle that looks like a game sprite from Age of Empires and then green screen that monstrosity into your film, combining it all with some After Effects demo explosions. Can you imagine how inexplicably stupid that would look? No? Then go watch Birdemic.

Our heroes are a man who can barely talk or even walk like a normal person would (Alan Bagh), a supermodel played by Whitney Moore, a guy who looks eerily like Woody Harrelson, some intensely annoying kids and a bunch of other characters who are all played by actors whom the director of a kindergarten play wouldn’t be able to endure. Together they attempt to flee from the evil, exploding, vomiting birds (yes, exploding, vomiting birds), equipped with such useful weaponry as toy guns and coat hangers. The amount of action that ensues is just fantastic. Oh, but wait ’til I get to the supposed reason these birds are so angry!

Viewer discretion is advised.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Indeed, why are these birds attacking? Well, apparently it has something to do with global warming, as Nguyen has cited Al Gore‘s An Inconvenient Truth as another source of inspiration for this film. Hell, characters even make a reference the Gore film in a scene that, hmm I dunno, might feel a little bit forced.

At this point, just about everyone has seen and made fun of Birdemic – Shock And Terror. But how? How did something like this even manage to become slightly well-known? Well, when something is this poorly made and laughable, who else do you think helped promote it if not the masters of deliberately bad content: Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim? Yeah, they’re the ones that hosted the “big” Los Angeles premiere even. Isn’t that just too fitting?

Birdemic is definitely a film that must be seen to be believed. It is truly unique for someone to manage to get everything so catastrophically wrong; to find actors who are so horrendous at their job; to create effects that are this tear-jerkingly awful; to edit the sound into something this incomprehensibly choppy (did I mention that the birds sound like airplanes, by the way?); to pointlessly drag out scenes this often; to direct your cast into performing scenes this unsettlingly awkward; to compose music this horrible to listen to; to make a film like Birdemic and honestly believe that you’ve done a great job. These are a few of the many things wrong with Birdemic, which is exactly why I’m recommending it.

Yeah, you read that right. I recommend this film. Seriously, if you haven’t seen this movie yet, stop reading this and go watch it right away! You haven’t lived until you’ve seen something as disasterous and out-of-hope as Birdemic! I ask you… no, I urge you to go see this film and share it’s joy. It is an experience which you will not forget for as long as you live. Even better if you choose to watch it with the RiffTrax commentary. My dear readers, it is quite a treat.

I don’t know what else to say except that I’m really looking forward to the sequel. Keep hangin’ out with your family, I guess, dear readers.

0/5 whatever

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