This one works as punishent!

This one works as punishment!

Not-Jack and Not-Rose on Not-Titanic.

Not-Jack and Not-Rose on Not-Titanic.

Reprehensible; hideous to behold

Reprehensible; hideous to behold

The attempt to create your own desperately poor copy of a big and successful film in order to cash in on its popularity is nothing unusual in the world of movies. What might be slightly more unusual though, is making your own version of a historical drama that depicted one of history’s most horrific events, and then adding talking mice and rapping dogs to it. I do wish I wasn’t serious when I said that this is precisely the case with the Italian Titanic: The Legend Goes On.

This is a film so unwatchable and sickening that I almost find myself recommending it, mostly because it needs to be seen in order to be believed. If I told you without the usage of clips and images that there is a film that turned Titanic into a Disney-esque cartoon for kids, surely you’d think I was kidding?

Now, not that I’m trying to give the film undeserved praise, but this version of the Titanic did at the very least give me something I was missing in James Cameron‘s version: more plotlines and characters. We’ve got the two romantic leads, of  course, (only this time the classes are reversed) as well what family members joined them on the voyage. Now you’re probably thinking that the differences end there and that the rest of the movie is just your basic, harmless scene-by-scene ripoff of the Cameron version, right? Well, you’d be wrong to believe us to be so fortunate. This is where the other characters of the film come in and I’m sorry, it is impossible to talk about practically any of them without naming what movies they’re actually from.

The family members that go on the ship with the leading girl are her evil step mother and her spoiled, ugly step sisters. Anybody who has seen Disney’s Cinderella might find this familiar. Another character aboard the ship is a bumbling detective that mixes Sherlock Holmes with Inspector Clouseau. His mission: to locate and arrest two dim-witted goons who answer to a rich and short-tempered old woman. 101 Dalmatians, anyone? Then there’s that bloke who keeps trying to flirt with the woman who sings in the ship’s ballroom. His name happens to be Gaston, which won’t make the creators of Beauty and The Beast too happy. Does it sound moronic already? Oh just you wait, I haven’t even mentioned the talking animals yet.

So, yeah... *this* exists.

So, yeah… *this* exists.

Yes, underneath the floorboards, there are talking animals that have stowawayed onto the Titanic after having previously inhabited too many vastly superior kid’s films for me to remember. There’s a family of mice taken straight out of An American Tail, some Mexican mice whom even Speedy Gonzales would find too racially insensitive, an evil cat with a chihauhau sidekick (jeez, guys, we’re  even doing Ren & Stimpy?), a crow that made me think both of Dumbo and The Secret of Nihm, some geese that look like the ones in Aristocats and a rapping dog that’s like a canine equivalent of MC Skat Kat. Because yeah – isn’t that the first thing anyone would think of when hearing the word “Titanic”? A rapping dog?

This film does have an iceberg in it and the ship does eventually go under. That is pretty much the only thing it got right in terms of history. The rest is too stupid to even do justice.

Most people will have heard of this movie via the review The Nostalgia Critic did of it in 2009, but for those of you who haven’t, go and watch his video (or other videos of it on YouTube) if you still require proof that this thing actually exists. Whether or not it was made by humans or any other creature with origins on Earth has yet to be proven, however.

Titanic: The Legend Goes On is incomprehensibly bad. The massive middle finger directed at those who died during the actual disaster aside, the movie provides us with some of the most awkward comedic timing you will ever endure, the choppiest and ungliest animation a motion picture would ever allow, the most irritating characters you’ll ever meet, the most atrocious sound design in recent years and one of the most loathsome love stories you could imagine. Remember Edward and Bella? Well, at least they talked to each other more than three times. Maybe Twilight fangirls remain fans of their love story because they saw The Legend Goes On first, and not just because they’re idiots?

Now, as accurate as my criticisms may be, I’m not even sure myself if they’re necessarily complaints. It is a bad movie and it does take a bigger dump on history than a basement-dwelling conspiracy theorist, but really, it does come close to being entertainingly bad. Not as much of a classic as The Room, obviously, but it’s still a fascinating movie to study at times. Is it possible, perhaps, to be so hideous that you’re beautiful?

0.5/5 whatever