Okay. You guys. Before I even frickin’ get started on this one, gather around, dear readers, and let me tell you about a comedy duo known as Tim and Eric. Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim are two American oddball comedians who on their Tim and Eric Awesome Show on Adult Swim presented us with sketches, dances and musical numbers that were made deliberately bad, so much so that they became completely and utterly hilarious. And now, on this day, I clasp my hands together and pray, to whatever God there might be, that this exact same type of humour is what the makers of “Brush Tonight” were going for.

I mean… Oh. My. God. There just isn’t a single thing right about this one. I mean, it has everything that Tim and Eric would write into their hysterical sketches in order to deliberately make them even worse. Bad green-screen effects, atrocious lyrics, a subject matter that not even stupidest retard would think to write a song about, terrible music, agonizing visuals and a child who can’t act, sing or barely even speak.

Well… I guess this is the part where I look at the lyrics. *Phew* Brace yourselves.

Brush Tonight

(Follow along by looking at Tim and Eric sketches, I guess)

“Yeah ya yeah ya
Yeah ya oh whooa oh
whooa whooa oooh”

Ladies and gentlemen, the bar has been set.

“It’s that time again
That time that rules!
Gotta get up and go to school!”

Because… yeah. That’s what we need. Another blatantly obvious clone of “Friday” by Rebecca Black. Aren’t we so blessed that such a profoundly great song gets done again on a regular basis, only with minor adjustments that ensure that it sucks even harder.

“Today’s my day, the best day of the week!
I don’t care if you call me a geek!
Time is passing so very fast
I hope time in school will be a blast”

It won’t. You’ll be bored and draw hearts on your notebook.

“Oh no — gonna be late
Gotta head out to the garden gate
Look, up to the sky! — Oh my god I think I’m in love
Oh my god in all this rush!
I forgot something I need to brush.”

And I’m really not kidding here, this is what this song is about.

“(brush) (brush) (brush) (brush)
Brush to the left
Brush to the right
Now you’re looking cool and white”

… No really. I’m not kidding. This is the song. This!

“Brush up
Brush down
Now it’s time to spin around
Brushin’ And Brushin’
Brushin’
Brushin’
Brush
Brush
Brush
Love to brush all day long
That’s why I’m singing this song”

Okay, you know what? I’m sorry. I take it back. This is not, in fact, on the same level as a fucking Tim and Eric sketch. Even they – who deliberately try to make their content as laughably crappy as possible, mind you – would put more genuine thought into their lyrics than this. Unbelievable. That is a fucking feat. Congratulations to you, oh maker of this video. I take off my hat to you and spit in your general direction.

Look at the stars that’s so very bright
Oh wait!
That’s my teeth its just so very white.
Let’s have a toothbrush party in the cellar
just like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (Bel-Air)”

Really? The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was seriously the only fitting rhyme you could find for the word “cellar”? What, did something ending with “stellar” seem too out-of-place and random? 

“The time is here to party non-stop.
Lets party today until we drop.
Pillow fights over here.
Pillow fights over there.
Just remember to to pass on the beer. (pass on the beer)”

You’re like, what, seven years old? What are you doing throwing a slumber part with alcohol before school? … Because you were singing about going to school a few seconds ago, right? W-wait…

W… what’s going on? Wh- who am I? 

“Brush to the left
Brush to the right
Now you’re looking cool and white
Brush up
Brush down
Now it’s time to spin around
Brushin’ And Brushin’
Brushin’
Brushin’
Brush
Brush
Brush
Love to brush all day long
That’s why I’m singing this song
(oh) (oh) (oh) (oh)”

I wish I could put into words how goddamn exciting this is!

“We gotta brush our teeth tonight.
There is no need to have a fright.
Brush all day. Winter to Summer.
It will stop you looking dumber.”

Singing a whole song about brushing your teeth, however, will do no good on that front.

“They are becoming more and more white!
in the starlight they look bright!
Brushin’ and they will become brighter.
Brush
Brush
Brush
Love to brush all day long”

Oh my God, I feel so sorry for this kid. I know I’m supposed to mainly talk about the lyrics here but I’m sorry, I just can’t stop thinking of how uncomfortable this girl looks with what she’s doing! So would I if I were forced to be in a video where I’d sound like a broken VHS tape that sings about toothbrushes. I wouldn’t even wish a fate like this upon frickin’ Kim-Jong Un!

“That’s why I’m singing this song
(oh) (oh)”

Speaking of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, it’s time for the obligatory Pig Man cameo

“Hey Jessica I see you brushin’,
chillin’ partyin’ and looking cool
Give me a turn by the pool.”

Okay, sorry. Making fun of this kid’s nose wasn’t nice of me. So I’ll just mock his inability to rap instead.

“I’m J-J-J in the house.
Got a beat fast, I’m like a mouse.
You got me brushin’ all day,
I think I have been brushin’ since May.
My teeth are so very white,
thanks to you, I’m super bright.”

You know what else is super white? Your lamentable excuse of a rap number. Seriously. You’re making Vanilla Ice look like… I dunno… a piece of coal, I guess.

“Brush to the left
Brush to the right
Now you’re looking cool and white
Brush up
Brush down
Now it’s time to spin around
Brushin’ And Brushin’
Brushin’
Brushin’
Brush
Brush
Brush
Love to brush all day long
That’s why I’m singing this song”

That’s it. This is a joke. It has to be. Nobody could make something that sounds, looks and feels this horrible on accident. This was done on purpose and I refuse to believe otherwise. You can try to prove me wrong all you want, but nope. Not gonna believe ya. This is fake. Fake, I say. Fake as McNuggets! Fake as Minaj’s buttocks! Fake as people who claim to still think the Harlem Shake is funny! That’s it. End of discussion.

And yeah, it is the end of the song as well. The chorus repeats, sure, but there really is nothing more to say about this. Good riddance.
—–

Holy Hell, that was… that was really something.

Now, okay, let’s be fair. If I’m right, and this is indeed a joke video, then it is a pretty good and funny one at that, right up there with some of the more surreal bits off of Tim and Eric’s shows. If, however, by some sort of otherwordly miracle, this was supposed to be taken seriously, then I will officially give up on not just our world or our species but existence itself.

That or I’ll just laugh at it a little and then go do something else.

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