With a music video that could make any genuine fan of Rebecca Black splooge their pants and lyrical creativity only a mother could love, “My Jeans” by one Jenna Rose is a fairly old video that has, for some reason, completely slipped my radar. Most people would say I’m late to the party, but I say that it’s never to late to analyze hilariously bad pop songs.

But what do I know? Perhaps “My Jeans” is the most profoundly written song ever created and Jenna Rose is writing on such a sagacious level that our simple minds cannot hope to comprehend? Let us take a closer look and see what this potentially very intelligent little child has in store for us.

My Jeans

(Follow along by clicking the link above.)

“Staring out my window,
I brush my hair.
Getting dressed to meet my friends
but I don’t know what to wear

As you can see here, Rose illustrates with admirable precision the horrors of being a playful, Hanna Montana-worshipping tween. One can only shed tears at this deep message.

“Commercial shows on my t.v.
about these cool designer jeans,
That I tried on, at the mall, 
I change the channel and look what I see”

Ah, but here comes a sudden glimmer of hope in the tragic life of the video’s protagonist.

“Hannah Montana’s wearing my jeans,
Ashley Tisdale’s wearing my jeans,
Keke Palmer’s wearing my jeans,
I just can’t believe they wore those jeans like me”

At this point,  the protagonist realizes that all the world’s greatest minds share her mentality, which greatly inspires her to carry on with her epic quest.

“oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
she wore those jeans like me
oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
she wore those jeans like me”

Here, by inserting acronyms used by only the most creative of Tumblr users, Rose treats us with the level of  lyrical awesomness that Rebecca Black merely teased us with back when rumors arose of her new single “LOL”. Truly, what we are dealing with here is a milestone in the history of music.

“Staring at the mall window
I finger through a smile
I thought about how cool I’d look
if I had them on right now”

This part of the song beautifully represents the painfulness of longing, and I dare anyone reading this/listening to the song to keep themselves from crying.

“I’m anxious, and excited ,
they’re on my mind
It feels like heelies are racing,
on my spine

This bit is a little confusing at first, but I believe the word “heelies” is a references to one of Rose’s unfinished pieces, during which she travels to another planet, where the dominant species is a tribe of people with high heels for heads.

“I just can’t wait to call these my jeans
Everyone can look at me in my jeans
I can go anywhere in my jeans
But I still can believe she wore those jeans like me”

As she yearns for her moment of triumph, the story gets more and more intense.

“oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
she wore those jeans like me
oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
oh-oh-oo-o-oh (o-m-g)
she wore those jeans like me”

But there is still that glimmer of hope deep within her soul. She must let go of her fears and hold on to her will to go on.

“1, count to the 2 to the 3
not to the t-r-i double g

Ah, and here the rapper comes in, meaning the lyrics now become so deeply profound that not even I can interpret what they’re supposed to mean.

“She got those cool new jeans
that’s sittin in the j-e-t
but she’s so fly
you might see me in a video
or a tv show
Jenna could be a model in a fashion show
look there she goes”

The rapper, obviously, represents the girl’s conscience, reminding her of the light at the end of the dangerous tunnel through which she ventures.

“A B C
1 2 3″

Oh yes, this bit. There are countless forum threads dedicated to what this particular part of the songs actually means, but so far there is no luck. Some people see patterns in how the numbers and letters are aligned but many of their theories are wildly far-fetched and can’t be close to the truth. I think there’s no use in digging deeper. We’ll probably never know what Jenna meant when she wrote this part, and that makes me extremely sad.

“I bet she’s mad
‘cos I look fab
hahaha ha
jack my swag”

Indeed, Jenna. Keep on swagging. You show those losers who got swag. Swagging the swags offa swag swaggy swag. 

“Sticks and stones
may break my bones
but mine look new
and hers just look so o-o-old
so o-o-old, so”

Remember this, all you unfortunate victims of bullying out there. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but at least your jeans could swag the swaggin’ swag out of her swagging swag. YOLO

“Oh my
look at those jeans
they should be posted in a magazine
matter ‘fact let me get my phone
you can strike a pose
smile for the camera

This part of the song makes my vagina wet.

“What, Trig bought a new blackberry?
Trig bought a new blackberry?
Trig bought a new blackberry?
Ah, just take the picture already”

This intriguing reference to what might be a hidden subplot about a young man buying a new Blackberry is one of the most fascinating things I’ve heard since Ronnie Corbett told me his wasn’t working.

“Sorry, I was stuck in a daydream
when I bought those jeans
with my new ice creams”

Now, you might be thinking that ice cream has nothing to do with what the song is about. Oh, but you are very wrong. You see, there is a hidden message here and there is actually a reason why the word ice cream is mentioned in this part. The reason (brace yourselves) is this: it rhymes with jeans.

I know, I too was shocked when I realized this. Suddenly, every aspect of the Universe itself made sense to me.

“That I look so good
when I hit the scene,
so fresh so clean.
All eyes on me
(ah-hah!) then I turned on my TV,
what do I see?
The Black Eyed Peas, and Jay Z,
I just can’t believe they wore they jeans like me”

The story reaches a happy ending and everything that the little girl has fought for on her quest rewards her at last. The chorus is sung one more time and the song is over.

Good God. I can’t believe I haven’t watched that until now. Everything makes so much sense now. Everything I thought I knew has been altered. The mist of confusion that controlled my life has faded away.

Jenna Rose, on behalf of every living creature in the Universe, I thank you for creating this masterpiece of art. I take off my hat and bow before you. Congratulations.