I don’t believe it’s a schocking revelation to anyone reading this  when I say that if there’s one thing I know about vegetarians, it is that they love to preach.

Merely being disgusted by the notion that humans eat meat is just not enough. Hell no, you have to attach posters on every wall you can find and stand around waving banners on every available town square, eradicating every chance I get to just enjoy my chicken nuggets in peace. Because gosh darn it, sooner or later you’ll succeed to make sure that people understand how loathesome it is that they think it’s okay to use weaker animals for food just because they believe they’re on top of the damn food chain.

Oh, what? You didn’t think the food chain was actually a thing, let alone thinking you dominate it, did ya? Ha! That’s bullshit, man! There’s no such thing as a food chain. It’s all a bunch of drivel. Allow me to explain why by using this helpful image, most probably created by some whiny vegetarian somewhere:

nature

You see, kids? Thinking you dominate the food chain is wrong, stupid and arrogant. In nature, we are all equal, as the picture explains, which incidentally only supports my opinion that lions are just as “evil” for eating meat as a human being is.

Think about it. Large cats still hunt their innocent prey, do they not? Spiders still consume flies unapologetically, do they not? Fish eat smaller fish, do they not? Yes. They do, but since there is no food chain “mumbo-jumbo”, then that means they’re, according to the image above, only fulfilling their roles in nature. Stronger animals killing weaker animals for sustenance isn’t because they’re superior, folks! It’s actually because, well, nature just happpens to work that way.

So yeah, there you have it. I was wrong when I said that lions eating gazelles, spiders eating flies, birds eating worms and me cooking a damned fine minute steak every friday is due to certain creatures being above others on the food chain. No-no, the reality is that there is no food chain and it’s all just nature taking it’s course, and I’ll be damned if that’s not an even better justification as to why I eat meat.

I mean, here’s what you veggies are actually saying:

  • Lions eating gazelles = natural
  • Humans eating cow = also natural

Right? Just as how evolution provided lions with claws, teeth and the ability to easily smack down smaller animals and drag ’em home for supper, it simultaneously provided human beings with brains capable of crafting tools, herding animals and serving them with a side portion of fries.

I can’t get over how awesome that is. I’m going to start using that argument instead now. The reason I eat meat is that I’m just following my natural instincts and not because I think I’m a superior species. Thank you, infinitely anonymous vegetarian for ironically giving me an even better reason to continue eating meat. Now stop being bigoted and realize that people are animals too and let them use their intellectual advantage to feed themselves; let nature take its fricking course, goddammit! Man, these PETA-guys are really inconsidarate. And yes, I know that the intended message behind the image is that we should all get along in nature and treat each other equally, but if that’s the case, I’d say that the lions aren’t doing a first-rate job.

Oh, and of course, now that I’ve finally enountered vegetarians with an actual counter-argument against this, I’m prepared that they will shortly hit me with it: the fact that all the large cats are carnivores, as opposed to us humans being omnivores, which makes it more okay for such animals to devour the flesh of a fellow Earth creature. Sure, maybe there’s truth to that, but don’t vegetarians usually speak of “morals” and how it’s “morally” wrong to eat animals? So, if we’re truly speaking about morality as opposed to the biology of the animals, there’s just no difference between me eating steak and Simba eating Pumbaa. I wish there was, but there’s not. Go to Africa and teach the kitties to start eating tofu boars.

So, you’re pretty much gonna have to choose which it is, guys. Are humans equal to animals? Then lions eating meat is equally bad to us doing it. Are humans smarter than animals? Then us using them for sustenance can be justified by the food chain. Pick one. Take your time.

Also, before anyone starts sending angry responses to this post, keep in mind that I don’t hate vegetarians. Quite the contrary! I respect them with all my heart. I mean, they leave so much great food for the rest of us to enjoy that it totally makes up for hearing them preach about how revolting and evil we are. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my beef tenderloin’s still cooking.

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