God damn it, Beliebers! Would you stop making me constantly want to write about your idiotic shenanigans already? Every time I think we’ve finally hit the ultimate low in terms of how overly obsessive, stupid and outright fucking surreal the behavior of one fandom can be, you guys just keep coming along with new things for us to mock. Is there truly no end to this?

Okay, so what’s going on right now is that Justin Bieber, who just won’t go away no matter how much we’d like him to, has recently tried a little bit of the ol’ herb. Photos of him smoking a joint were leaked, of course, and Justin is obviously not too happy about that.

So little Justin Bieber grew up and finally tried the universally applauded substance used primarily by people who want to forget their problems instead of actually fixing them. Whoop-dee-fricking-doo, I don’t really care what he or anyone else chooses to smoke. That’s not what’s absurd about the story. What’s absurd is, as per all “scandalous” Justin Bieber stories out there, the reactions from the Beliebers. Reactions that appear in the form of trends on – where else? – Twitter!

Okay so what’s the hashtag for this event? #SmokeABluntForBieber? No. #FightDrugDealingInTheNameOfBieber? Nope, still way too sane. #BurnDownCannabisPlantationsForBieber? Naah. Here’s what we got this time: #cutforbieber

Yes, in order to show how upset they are for Bieber after this traumatic event the Beliebers have decided to slit their wrists. I’m going to repeat that again: they are cutting their own skins with sharp knives and razor blades because a Canadian pop singer smoked a goddamned joint! They are slitting their wrists because of a guy who smoked weed!!

This became even more hilariously insane when I heard that the origin of the trend is yet another troll post from 4chan! Yes, that would be the very same site that tricked the same tweens into thinking Bieber got cancer and thus got them to shave their heads, as per the #ShaveForJustin trend on Twitter. That’s 2 to 4chan, 0 to the Beliebers and 420 to Justin, I guess!

You know what, Beliebers? I’m not gonna talk down on you so much this time. The truth is, my friends, that I love you all with all my heart. I mean that. I don’t believe for a second that the world would be as interesting, hilarious or outright bizarre if it weren’t for the things you do in the name of Justin Bieber. Every time you feel the need to prove to us st00pid h8rs what a devoted and undefeatable fanbase you all are, I feel warm on the inside. It is people like you that make cynical, atheistic old me believe that there might just be otherworldly and whimsical things in this world after all. You have my full support. #cutforjustin #yolo

Okay, no. Seriously. Stop cutting. It’s dumb, you’re dumb, all of this is dumb, the world itself is officially just plain dumb. That’s all I got. Bye.