Whenever I see this title appear against my will in my YouTube feed, I simply cannot help but imagine a remake of Beauty and The Beast starring Justin Bieber as Belle and Nicki Minaj as the Beast – a film which I believe would be praised for its flawlessly ideal casting.

So yeah, as some of you already know, as if they weren’t bad enough on their own, Nicki Minaj and Justin Bieber recently collaborated on the latest Bieber hit titled “Beauty And A Beat”, a pun that would’ve been frowned upon in Jerry Lewis’ time. Since it’s a popular song that keeps appearing in my YouTube feed, I decided to give it a listen and analyze its lyrics, as I love to do an uneventful afternoon.

Let us see what lyrics these two great minds can cook up, shall we?

Beauty And A Beat

(Follow along by clicking the link above.)

“Yeah..
Young Money..
Nicki Minaj
Justin..”

Okay, now I know who’s in the video. How… fun?

“Show you off
Tonight I wanna show you off (aye,aye,aye)
What you got
A billion could’ve never bought (aye,aye,aye)”

You’re gonna hold an auction for Justin Bieber and try to sell him to a country that would actually want him? Don’t bother waiting for Canada to make an offer, they don’t want him back!

“We gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight
I wanna show you all the finer things in life”

Isn’t 3000 the year when the Psychlos will invade and force mankind to live their lives as caveman-like savages? Doesn’t sound like a party I’d like to attend.

Lazy sci-fi references aside, why would you want to throw a party 1000 years in the future? Explain.

“So just forget about the world, we’re young tonight
I’m coming for ya, I’m coming for ya”

“And you will lead me… to the ark.”

Oh, that reminds me, the editing in this video, especially in the beginning, is eerily similar to that of a Marble Hornets video. Not sure what the point is but this video is begging for a pary-crashing Slender Man. But so fortunate we are certainly not.

“Cause all..
I need, is a Beauty and a Beat
Who can make my life complete
It’s all..
Bout you, when the music makes you move
Baby do it like you do”

Hmm, this is starting to sound somewhat like a love song. Hmm, I don’t recall Bieber ever trying to make a love song before. This oughta be interesting.

“Body rock,
Girl, I can feel your body rock (aye, aye, aye)
Take a bow, you on the hottest ticket now (aye, aye, aye)”

I would describe how annoyed I am by the constant “aye aye aye” sounds, but the proper words have not yet been invented.

“We gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight
I wanna show you all the finer things in life
So just forget about the world, we’re young tonight
I’m coming for ya, I’m coming for ya”

Again, what’s special about partying in a future that could potentially be a post-apocalyptic one? We could easily be toast by that millenium. But then again, maybe I should start believing in theories presented in Futurama? That future looked pretty fine.

“Cause all..
I need, is a Beauty and a Beat
Who can make my life complete
It’s all..
Bout you, when the music makes you move
Baby do it like you do”

Okay, so far the song is really not that bad. A little bland and stupid like most Bieber songs, but nothing really offensive to ones intelligence or eardrums yet.

Oh, but wait, here she comes!

“Uh, Uh
In time, ink lines, b-bitches couldn’t get on my incline”

Uuuuugh! Nicki!

“World tour, it’s mine, ten little letters, on a big sign
Justin Bieber, you know Imma hit ’em with the ether
Buns out, weiner, but I gotta keep an eye out for Selena”

Wait, are you saying you want the Bieber weiner, Nicki? Sure, why not? After all, everybody knows that pedophilia is alright as long as it’s an older woman flirting with a younger boy. As for Selena, however, I doubt she will be an issue anymore.

“Beauty, Beauty and the Beast
Beauty from the east, beautiful confessions of the priest”

This is a parody, right guys? This is making fun of how nonsensically lazy rhymes can be? Right?

“Beast, beauty from the streets, we don’t get deceased
Every time a beauty on the beats”

I guess not.

“Cause all..
I need, is a Beauty and a Beat
Who can make my life complete
It’s all..
Bout you, when the music makes you move
Baby do it like you do
Cause…”

‘Cause what? Oh well, we’ll never know now. The song is over. And I gotta say, I was doing fine up until the Minaj bit. Wouldn’t have done a commentary on this song without her.

What can I tell ya? That’s it for today.

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