This one’s worth skipping.

“I don’t care that your name and CG rendering sucks or that your mother is a dull, manipulative bitch. I needed to out-creep Edward *somehow*!”

Well, if you don’t know by NOW…

After hype so low I barely think there even was any and trailers trying and failing so hard to be epic that it almost seemed intentional, the final installment in The Twilight Saga has been released to theaters – Breaking Dawn – Part 2.

Do I even need to tell you how I liked it or what it has to offer? How many details am I required to give? I think we all already know what an insult this saga is to vampire mythology, what a disgrace the plot is to romance stories in general and how humiliating it is for women to be reminded of how much they adored each minute of it during their tween years. Twilight‘s stupidity is pretty much common knowledge today, but alas, I still feel obligated to write about the latest entry.

Breaking Dawn – Part 2 picks up where the last one left off. The child (Mackenzie Foy) of the unlikably stoic cockteasing-expert Bella Cullen (Kristen Stewart) and her bland, fruity vampire husband Edward (Robert Pattinson) has been born at last and has been given name Renesmee, a combination of Renée and Esme. I’m sure she’ll appreciate how her mother made her an inevitable target for the bullies at her future school through the act of sucking at thinking of baby names. Speaking of “sucking”, Bella has herself finally become a vampire, which she actually finds herself quite enjoying, as it turns out, so I’d say it’s about time it happened. But her baby is in danger, since she is allegedly an immortal child, something that’s forbidden by the Volturi, a band of overlord vampires, or whatever, the members of which include Dakota FanningJamie Campbell Bower and Michael Sheen, hamming it up like only he knows how.

Intending to prove to the Volturi that Renesmee (Ugh, the name!) is not an immortal child, Edward and Bella gather vampires from across the globe, as well as their strong werewolf friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) – forcing him to leave the war he’s already in; the war against the dreaded army of shirts – in order to fight off the Volturi, save the child’s life and provide the Twi-hards with the “epic finale that’ll last forever” which the trailers so surely promised. Can’t say that’s what happens.

As you can see, this one’s totally gonna give the “Rohirrim vs. the Orcs at Pelennor” scene a run for its money.

Multiple side-characters, none of whom I really care about, iclude the likes of Billy Burke as Bella’s dad (okay, he’s actually entertaining from time to time), Peter Facinelli as Carlisle Cullen, Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen, Nikki Reed as Rosalie Hale and a bunch of others. Then of course, there’s Booboo Stewart, the poor fella.

What the hell can I say, really? I don’t even need to tell you what’s wrong because most of you already know it. It’s a Twilight movie so you know what you’re going to get (aside from the relentlessly stupid twist). It is an epic finale that isn’t epic, to a romance book series that isn’t romantic, revolving around a role model that isn’t realistic or likable, lusting for boys that aren’t likable either (beyond the ever so imortant good looks). Especially not that sparkly, fruity creep Edward, who at the very least is played by an actor who realizes what a terrible character he’s portraying.

By the way, did I ever bring up how Jacob suddenly decides that he and Bella’s child are destined to be together; as in, he suddenly wants to be together with the daughter of the woman he repeatedly attempted to bonk? No? Well, he does. This plot point, plus the way the daughter herself was torn out of Bella’s womb with the aid of Edward’s vampire teeth (I swear to God I’m not making this up) truly gives the Twilight fangirls something to answer for, besides their deplorable taste in film, litterature and just the very concept romance in general. Do they ever look at themselves in the mirror at night and think “I’m a fan of a story about an adult werewolf that falls in love with a baby that was chewed out of its mother’s vagina by her vampire husband… and I find it ROMANTIC”?

Actually, I do have to point out that I’ve recently observed promising changes amongst my female friends and their opinions on Twilight. My mate Louise showed me some pictures from 2009-2010 and apologized for the photos depicting moments from what she described as her ’embarrassing Twilight phase’. So I was right in my review of Breaking Dawn – Part 1; they do learn to see this saga’s utter asininity eventually. Faith in humanity temporarily restored!

Sadly, though, we still can’t be sure if Stephenie Meyer has given the saga up at last, or if she’s truly going to, in spite of the first few chapters getting leaked, continue her Midnight Sun series, which is essentially the events of Twilight seen from Edward’s perspective. I don’t know if the romance in the books is as laughable as that in the films, but still, who with any semblance of sanity could possibly agree that the only thing better than writing such an unbearbly shallow love story is writing it again from the guy’s point of view? “The tweens, of course”, you say. Sure, but I said “semblance of sanity”.

1.5/5 whatever

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