Works as punishment!

Behold, quality entertainment.

Too stupid to insult; painful

After the champagne ran out at the festivity I threw after the cancellation-anouncement of Jersey Shore, I would soon realize that I had started celebrating too soon, for the departure of the relentlessly unentertaining and head-slappingly stupid carrot-people was only making room for something even more insulting to television.

You know how Adalia Rose’s mommy is often accused of exploiting her quirky but unfortunate child? Well at least she has the decency not to have her embarrass herself by starring in a TV show on The Learning Channel, which is tragically the case with Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, in which we follow the everyday lives of a white trash hillbilly family and their roly-poly “says the darndest things” daughter.

The stars of this unuquely excruciating piece of inane reality TV are the “mama” (to whom English is seemingly a second language) named June Shannon, sisters Jessica, Anna and Lauryn Shannon, father Mike Thompson and the youngest child Alana Thompson, who is the eponymous Honey Boo Boo. She is a loud beauty pageant contestant, whose unusually sassy dialogue and behaviour I assume is intended to be the heart of the show. The episodes mostly consist of her acting the way I just mentioned interspersed with scenes of her redneck family eating fatty foods, playing in muddy areas, dealing with teen pregancy (Oh, how delightfully quirky) and just plainly acting like idiots. The family members, much like their youngest child, all possess similarly sassy nicknames too stupid to even bother to recap.

If somebody was to re-edit an episode and make it into a sad and horrific documentary about this family – better yet, about how they’re exploited – or maybe a horror show about the footage from the den of the rancid family that might very well mark the beginning of our apocalypse (the show did premiere in 2012, didn’t it?), then the show would at least be an interesting one. It’d still be depressing, yes, but at least then Here Comes Honey Boo Boo would no longer come off as a show that mistakes itself for something funny.

Obesity, teen pregnancy and child exploitation. How could you go right?

I have seen the entirety of one episode and seen only short excerpts from several others. I think my regurgitation episodes indicate that the small percentage of the show I’ve seen is enough to induce unspeakable pain, as well as enough to judge it fairly. I thankfully don’t know anyone who regularly tunes in to this – although I’ve encountered a few who find Honey Boo Boo’s exasperating antics cute – and I’m okay with that, as people who take enjoyment in watching this are most presumably not people I want to meet. I can agree that Alana can be slightly cute but it’s not much of a saving grace.

What this show is doing on a network  like The Learning Channel I can’t even begin to explain. I’m really not sure what within this show the producers view as educational, except maybe if they intend for the episodes to be used in school during classes that somehow involve how not to raise a child, how not to eat healthy or how not to make television.

I don’t know if anyone I know watches this show. I do know a few people who watched Jersey Shore, though, and I would always wonder if they got the joke – even though it wasn’t funny – and pointed and snickered at the cast, or if they actually looked up to and genuinely liked Snooki, The Situation, Yo Lo Hashtagger and Mr. Swaggie McRetardname. As for Honey Boo Boo, at least I can’t see the possibility of someone seeing this as something other than a show about people to mock. Even though I can’t grasp how that’s supposed to be remotely entertaining, at least I’m pretty sure none of the viewers watch this show because they find this family charming. Me, I find them pretty miserable in how they allow themselves to be humiliated like this.

I think Kyle said it best in the brilliant, Honey Boo Boo-bashing episode of South Park that aired last week: “It’s like the bar’s been lowered to the point where no one is even capable of feeling shame anymore.” Shows like South Park continue to restore my faith in television. Honey-Boo-Boo only makes me want to burn people alive. Not cool, TLC.

1/5 whatever