This one works as punishment.

Pointless; drastically low on cool material/info

Since Justin Bieber is soon finally arriving in Sweden and Swedish tweens are jumping up and down with joy, why not celebrate with another negative film review, eh? This is Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.

Justin Bieber as Justin Bieber.

I can think of numerous times when it’s been said that, even though the hype surrounding Justin Bieber is exaggerated on inexpressable levels, surely no one is going to go as far as to believe he is this generation’s Michael Jackson or something? He’s not, but someone decided to give him a feature length documentary either way.

A film like Never Say Never shouldn’t be made until the star it’s all about has been around long enough to be considered the music legend Michael Jackson is/was, not that someone as generic as Bieber will ever recieve such a status but I digress. The point is: do we really need a documentary about a guy who brought nothing special to the table, has only been around for a while and arguably has more haters than fans? Apparently so.

Never Say Never shows us how a young Candian guitarist and frequent YouTuber, whose musical talent has scarcely improved over the years, went from making songs on the web to creating material for 12-16 year old girls all around the Earth to squee over upon as much as hearing it mentioned. We also see him perform his generic yet immensely beloved pieces on stage and yes, that’s pretty much all we get for the entirety of the film’s runtime. Loads of performances, the occasional little interview with Bieber himself, Miley Cyrus, Usher, Ludacris and such, plus the inevitable story of how Bieber came to be. If I said it was interesting, I’d lie.

As mentioned, the thing about making a documentary/bio-pic about an entertainer is that you need a lot of stuff to work with. Bieber hadn’t been around for long at the time of Never Say Never‘s release and he still hasn’t, but now he’s at least old enough for people to belive he’s 15 rather than 12… even though he’s 18. What I’m saying is that if you don’t have much to work with or much of a story to document, your documentary is going to be a failure and tedious to anyone who isn’t an overly obsessed tween girl. This, unfortunately, is precisely the case with Never Say Never. One of my favourite lines is from an interview with one of his fangirls. “I’ve been a fan since his first video, and I’ll be a fan until he posts his last video”. After his last video she’s gonna stop being fan.

As I always am when expressing any degree of negativity towards Justin Bieber, I am currently prepared for an army of tweens bombing me with spiteful comments and accusations of jealousy, as if to say that the only motivation anybody can ever have to not be a fan of someone is pure envy. I’ve already pointed out why this is another example of Belieber-stupidity but I can adress this again, I suppose.

I can assure you, I have no modicum of jealousy towards Bieber, not only because he has no talent for me to envy, but also because he is too famous. Here’s the thing: I don’t really want to be the most famous person in the world. I want to be more like someone like The Amazing Atheist, Doug Jones, Doug Walker or someone who is famous enough that people recognize him but not so much that he gets constantly bothered in public and his every move documented in insipid teen magazines. Can’t say I’m jealous of Bieber’s unusual amount of haters either. I also don’t particularly desire his fanbase, which by all means makes Cthulhu-worshippers look restrained and subtle by comparison.  A fanbase? Yeah. A cult? Umm.

Never Say Never wasn’t as interesting as a documentary ought to be. When I watched it, all I could think of was how much I’d rather be watching This Is It or some other documentary about someone who is actually unique and legandary, two things that Bieber really isn’t when you look at most of his work. It’s a film that will most certainly be appreciated amongst the hardcore fans who’ll just blindly adore anything with Justin in it, but as a documentary this is incredibly weak. Especially for something that got a theatrical release… in 3D. No, that is sadly not a joke.

A final word about Bieber’s upcoming concert in Sweden: I’ve always known that the Bieber fever has had an alarming effect on both the fans and the haters, but the news of Bieber’s arrival has seemingly made things even worse. I can understand the hype amongst the teens but the most inexplicable aspect of all this must be the multiple haters who – I’m not kidding here – pay for a ticket and film themselves buring it, uploading the footage to the Internet solely for the purpose of randomly pissing off Beliebers. Yeah, smart move there, dipshits. Make Bieber even richer. That’ll teach him!

The hype around Bieber is weird, but sometimes the backlash is on an even greater level of moronic. The proof is already written above.

1/5 whatever