This one is unspeakable!

Get it? Because you’ve heard of it?

It is indescribable.

It is hard to name the worst movie ever created, but every once in a while there comes a film that makes you consider that you might have just discovered it. Disaster Movie, by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, proud creators of Epic Movie, is a movie that made me absolutely sure!

This is unthinkable and it even hurst me to say it, but if you through some truly exceptional case of low standards enjoyed this utter piece of decayed, rotten shit, then you can stop reading this review right now, but I guess it doesn’t matter since I highly doubt that fans of Disaster Movie know how to read, anyways.

I don’t know if I have it in me to dignify this garbage by claiming that it has a plot, but basically, what happens is that Roland Emmerich-ish natural disasters start showing up all over the Earth. I wouldn’t like to refer to the films protagonists (Matt Lanter and Vanessa Minnillo) as ‘characters’, but we do follow two boring individuals through a series of painfully poorly written spoof and references to whatever films were big at the time of Disaster Movie‘s release. Are the references aimed at disaster films particularly? Nah, that would’ve made way too much sense.

There are references to Indiana Jones, Batman, No Country For Old Men, Star Wars, Sex and The City, Hannah Montana, Hancock, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Enchanted (again, spoofing a comedy; why?!!), Michael Jackson, Juno, Alvin and The Chipmunks, Beowulf, Amy Winehouse, High School Musical and some of little to no relevance. Of course Carmen Electra and Tony Cox show up in the middle of it all as well, just in case we forgot that their careers are over. Not that they ever started.

  No real jokes are made about the characters or the films they’re from; they are only there to be there or to be humiliated by the chaos that’s brought on by the various disasters that are taking place. The fact that Seltzer and Friedberg have actually seen none of the films they’re lampooning is blantantlyclear. Po from Kung Fu Panda, for instance, is referred to as as ‘Kung Fu Panda’. If you’ve seen the film, you’ll know that his name is Po.

“Hmm… this shot’s no good! Needs more characters from irrelevant blockbusters.”

When I looked upon the end credits, knowing that the film was over at last, I felt an indescribable relief for a while, but then I started feeling aghast. I remembered that what I had just witnessed was something that human beings had created. Two of my species had made it, looked at it, laughed at it and said “Perfect”.

Randomness does not equal comedy, pointless references do not equal jokes, bodily functions do not equal amusing and the mere usage of characters from other movies does not equal satire or even slightly decent parody. Those are the facts, and the day when Seltzer and Friedberg actually litsen and understand them will never arrive. They were born to be horrendous and as such they shall live, until they are off the twig. I pray that making films like this will one day be illegalized.

The title of Disaster Movie is tremendously fitting, not because it’s about natural disasters, but because the movie truly is one gigantic, monstrous disaster of a motion picture. If this film did anything right at all then I most likely missed it, probably due to the absolute awfulness of the film beeing so mountainous that it made me forget that… I don’t know! I truly can’t think of anything in this movie that made me think to myself “Well, at least that was well done”. No such moment comes to mind, mostly because the music, acting and special effects are as execrable as everything else. I guess they aren’t trying too hard, though. Perhaps they deliberately make films that only the most immature of 12 year olds could find even remotely appealing. Wait, no – that’s an insult to 12 year olds!

This is it! This is the worst piece of shit I’ve had the unmatchable misfortune of painfully experiencing, although referring to it as ‘shit’ is to be unspeakably cruel towards excrement everywhere! It is the worst case of an abysmally unfunny film believing so stupidly and incorrectly that it’s being hilarious! It is the most unforgivable misuse of the word ‘comedy’ to ever occur! It is the most miserable time I’ve had watching a motion picture! It is, by incomprehensibly far, my most hated film ever.

Bottom line: I don’t like it very much.

0/5 whatever!

FUN FACT: I actually tried to post the trailer for this film, but no matter what I did, my blog refused to display any YouTube video containing clips from this travesty. Is embedding disabled on every one? Understandable.

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