This one works as punishment!

Moronic; unimaginably annoying

If I were to show someone not familiar with the YouTuber known as Fred one of his videos, and if the person had even as much as only their bigtoe left within the realms of the real world, surely they wouldn’t consider the possibility of ever seeing someone so inhumanley irritating in a feature length motion picture? This, of course, makes me wonder – whose idea was Fred: The Movie?

Lucas Cruikshank as Fred, in a feature film at last. Oh, huzzah!

Some people may not know this film exists, but let me assure you that there is actually such a thing as Fred: The Movie, where the high-pitched, constantly squeling retard himself tortures us with his unbearable shtick for a total of 80 minutes! Keep in mind I’m not talking about the actor here – I’m sure he is a good guy (unless he tortures his viewers on purpose) – but rather about the character that made him one of the most well-known people on YouTube, which was bad enough. Now we have this.

The actor’s name is Lucas Cruikshank and his first motion picture involves his character Fred trying effortlessly to win the heart of a girl named Judy (Pixie Lott). Failing to grasp that she herself might in fact be interested in another boy, Kevin (Jake Weary), with whom Judy teams up during one schoolday’s music class, Fred decides music is the way to Judy’s heart. He is, of course, oblvious to the fact that his ability to create music is on par with his ability to amuse people. After trying to break into her house – how charming – and sing to her, he soon discovers that she’s left the neighbourhood.

And the rest of the film is pretty much centered around Fred’s mission to locate Judy and perform his song to her. On the quest, he meets other characters of varying degrees of annoyance. We get to see his best friend Bertha (Jennette McCurdy), a talking deer, his nonchalant mother (Siobhan Fallon Hogan), his imagenary father (John Cena) and so on and so forth. All are irritating in their own right, but they never quite work hard enough to top Fred. Some of the names involved, as you might’ve noticed, are fairly big ones and I’m baffled as to what any of them where thinking when choosing to appear in the film. Perhaps they each needed a role that makes sure their careers stay dead after they retire?

Jennette McCurdy as Bertha; the sole character I remotely liked in 'Fred'.

Fred: The Movie is so bad it’s frightening. Let’s ignore the toddler-level comedy, the irksome performances, the intelligence-insulting writing and the execrable music and focus on how pointless it is. Why, out of all things on the web, did this phenomenon have to be made into a film. Why would the film industry be so harsh and foolish?

I trust my readers are smarter than to assume that I’m jealous of Cruikshank’s oppurtunity to get his own film, which of course is not my motivation to hate Fred. See, if it was an Internet personality with genuine talent or someone who puts actual effort into their work, I would be happy for them, but those Internet personalities are either sage enough to simply remain on YouTube or not popular enough, due to being too genuinely clever for subscribers. Consider the late Edd Gould, who wisely turned down every offer he got to be on TV or on film, or James Rolfe, who has at least earned my trust by proving he knows how to make films and doing his film independently. No one involved in making Fred: The Movie possible could be very wise.

The fact that this film even exists makes me tremendously worried. I swear, I am honestly frightened by this and what might very well come next! In my mind I am picturing Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg and Roman Polanski lying upon their death beds, sobbing; the Universe sings these somber men to sleep as films like The Adventures of Ray William Johnson, PewDiePie – The Motion Picture, The Incredible Shane Dawson, The Annyoing Orange Reloaded or something equally horrific is playing at the theaters  just outside the hospital, where they draw their final breaths along with cinema itself. Alas, so died film.

Oh! Wait… Well whoop-dee-doo, I just found out PewDiePie is getting his own TV show soon! And yes, it appears Shane Dawson is indeed going to star in a horror film. It’s called Smiley. I can’t… I just… This is all I got:

The only people I can ever imagine enjoying Fred is your kids, provided you dropped them on their heads when they were infants.

0.5/5 whatever

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