Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and dogs. I have an announcment to make – I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Rebecca Black. Pardon my ignorance Justin Bieber. Forgive me, One Direction. I collapse onto my knees and beg for your pardon, Nicki Minaj. I should’ve known better than to mock you so, when I didn’t know what bad music truly was; when it was unknown to me how much it was scientifically possible to suck; when I hadn’t heard Hot Problems by Double Take.

How can this happen? How can something like this be allowed to exist? How can a music video be created without some of the people invloved pointing out how mind-boggingly, inhumanely lousy it is? Let’s set aside the awfully edited video for now and focus on the lyrics, shall we?

Hot Problems

(Okay, don’t click the link to follow along as you read. Your ears do not deserve it.)

“Look at me and tell me the truth”

Okay, you suck at singing.

“What do you do
When people don’t know
What we go through”

I usually don’t care. Nor should anyone else.

“They see my blonde hair
Blue eyes and class
But they don’t know
I have a really big heart”

Not only do you obiously not have any semblance of class but also, if you did have a big heart, you never would have made this song. Myth = busted! That was easy.

“Please don’t get me wrong
I know that I’m hot
Textbook perfection really takes a lot”

Oh my God… It’s true… It’s really true. Morons like this actually exist. They really do walk the Earth among us. I do not by any circumstances want to live on this planet anymore.

“Weird guys call my phones
And girls call me names”

You deserve it, believe me!

“Like Miley said ‘I can’t be tamed’
Hot girls we have problems too”

Yeah, singing problems.

“We’re just like you, except we’re hot”

You know what I love? Not this song.

“The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie”

For instance, you lie to yourself until you’re finally brainwashed into incorrectly believing you’re musically talented… and hot.

“I’ve got the look
I’ve got the butt”

Heh-heh. Yes, you do have the butt. The only reason it is so large is that your brain needs somewhere to be located.

“But those things don’t make me a *slut*
Boys call me stuck up
Girls say I’m conceited
On behalf on all hot girls those comments are not needed”

Aww, poor little slutty-wutty. But don’t worry. It’s all warranted.

“Just cause I’m pretty
I have to be dumb
I don’t care about which
I just wanna have fun”

By all means, do have fun. Don’t, however, attempt to write a song about it.

“People start rumors
And say things about me
Funny thing is I didn’t go to the party”

Awww… don’t care.

“Hot girls. we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot (hot hot hot hot)”

Oh Jesus, stop!

“The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie.”

And make music. Unfortunately.

“Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re HOT”

God, I still can’t believe someone actually wrote this damned crap!

“The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie”

Yeah, you said that.

“Why oh Why
Can’t you see
You are all
Just like me”

Oh but, you see, I don’t suck at singing or video making like you do. Aww, I’m so sad and jealous that I will never be that bad.

“We make mistakes
And get in trouble
Now you know our hot girls trouble”

Rhyming, level pro.

“Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot”

I just… Gah!

“The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie”

And for fuck’s sake, keep doing that. Just don’t make songs about it! You will only provide us with another reason to cover you with the sweetest honey and tie you to the ground near the largest ant hill!

“Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you, except we’re hot”

Oh. My. Dear. Loving. Savior!
A human cannot possibly have written this. Please, tell me this isn’t actually real! Please!!

“The world needs to open their eyes
And realize
We’re not perfect
And sometimes we lie”

Sometimes you make songs worse even than that of Rebecca Black.

“Just kidding
We’re perfect”

Wow! Just… wow!

Oh thank Heavens it is over. How are these girls not ashamed? How do they not understand how lousy their singing is, how laughable this video is and, most importantly, how offended girls must feel. Not all girls have model potential. They will feel inadequate watching this utter garbage. Double Take, shame on you. Just… fuck you!

No matter how much this song has tortured me with its abysmal, non-human awfulness, no matter how badly my brain has been damaged by lyrics on such an otherwordly level of insipid, no matter how much this hurt me – at least no one likes it. I shall take solace in the fact that no one can be that goddamn stupid.

No one is ever going to say “I kinda like ‘Hot Problems’ by Double Take” and for that I am grateful!

EDIT: I keep hearing this video is actually fake and made awful on purpose. If this is true, then well played. Maybe I love these girls after all. It doesn’t matter – I’m just glad I got a reason to do another Song Commentaries-segment.

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