This one’s worth skipping.

The first cut of ‘Donnie Darko’ was wisely rejected.

A random ego trip and nothing more.

I miss Michael Jackson. Yes, his music can still be found everywhere and his videos will in any case be remembered forever, but I miss him. Why do I miss him so? Because making jokes about him was considered less heartless and cold before his death. At least slightly. Those were the days.

Now I’m reviewing Moonwalker, a poor excuse for a film and a blatant ego trip that makes it clear that all that stuff about Jackson actually wanting to be left alone probably wasn’t all that true, but is it okay for me to say that or am I going to be attacked by his fans, who still grieve his death for some reason? Moonwalker is bad; if the man who wrote it is dead, it still is.

At first it looks as if Moonwalker is going to be a series of Michael Jackson music videos; perhaps we’re about to see an interesting documentary of sorts or just a fun little compilation film of his career’s finest moments? We’re not so fortunate. After about 20 minutes comes the bizarre stop motion effects and a laughable short film in which Michael is aided by some magical stop motion rabbit to escape his crazed fans. Using his stop motion powers, he disguises himself as all kinds of things during the chase. After this bit of randomness we see a music video set to Michael’s ironically named song “Leave Me Alone”.

What follows is an inexplicable story which seems to involve the kidnapping of children, drug dealing, Michael’s extra terrestrial Transformer-esque powers and a band of gangsters, led by Joe Pesci, attempting to take his life. I already know that everyone reading this are making jokes about pedophilia in their heads, so I myself will simply refrain from it. Despite how non-sensical and poor this segment is in general, it did give birth to the music video for “Smooth Criminal”, which is absolutely wonderful and is my favourite MJ-song to this day. Too bad the film continues afterwards.

The best part of the film. I prefer Michael when he isn’t building statues of himself or turning into cars.

There isn’t really anything else to it. It’s a bunch of music videos spliced together with weird shorts and visuals that do nothing aside from giving the viewer a headache and/or simply proving how highly Jackson really thought of himself back in the day. I don’t know if his overly large ego was fading as he was inching closer to his death, but it is clear that he was just lovin’ himself when he created Moonwalker.

I don’t want anyone reading this to take it the wrong way, especially not hardcore fans of Michael, rest his soul. I love Michael Jackson and his music is some of the best music I’ve heard. Even when people started joking about all that weird stuff he inexplicably did as well as his worsening appearance, I still thought deep down that there was something truly awesome about the man. His dance moves, his videos, his style; he was very great indeed. And yes, when I heard of his death, this was playing in my head.

As much as I and his easily angered fans love him, however, Moonwalker is really tedious, obnoxious and pointless. Yes, we all know that Michael was king of the world back then, but let’s face it – most celebrities become hard to respect when they start boasting about their fame and act as if they’re Christ reborn or music incarnate. What I’m saying is: I loved Jackson, but not enough to ignore how annoyingly egotistical he was.

Speaking of which, I believe some other critic, in their review of Moonwalker, said something along the lines of “Who does Michael think he is – Jesus Christ?” I wouldn’t say so myself. Judging by some of these scenes, it seems more like Michael thinks he is a man who can turn into a robot, a car, a spaceship and a rabbit. It’s okay, Michael. We all feel that way at some point in our lives.

The trailer claims the film was “written in the stars”.  Indeed, if it was actually written at all, it would make sense to assume it was written by aliens.

2/5 whatever.