This one’s unspeakable.

Abysmal; hypnotizing in its priceless awfulness.

Certain people quite strictly disagree with me when it comes to my taste in film. This fact I would totally respect, if said people were in the least capable of explaining their opinion to me instead of spewing idiotic phrases such as “This movie’s bad because it’s not funny and stupid and, um, you’re gay!!” followed by some obligatory unthought out, insulting sarcasm, and instead provide me with good sensical arguments, or even – I dunno – an insightful movie review, perhaps?

You don’t want to see what comes after this.

If you want me to pay any attention to what you have to say, then you should at least make it sound like you have any idea what you’re talking about, or maybe you should read a few film reviews written by actual educated film-critics, for the purpose of actually learning what makes movies good/bad. Now, Tommy Wiseau‘s The Room, however – that’s a different kind of movie; a movie so poorly made and so cluelessly put together that it has a certain charm, I.E. it is so bad it’s good and so awful in fact that even those with the most miserable of tastes in film will realize its unspeakable dreadfulness. Wiseau, now there’s someone who doesn’t understand film! But he thinks so. Boy does he think so!

Wiseau produced, wrote and directed The Room and in it he plays Johnny, fiance of a girl named Lisa (Juliette Danielle), or “future husband” as the characters in the film put it. They share an apartment – is this “the room” of the title? – and have lots of sex, in overly long scenes which are about as erotic as a moldy bottle of bison sweat. They have bizarre encounters with the lustful and seemingly retarded next-door kid Denny (Phillip Haldiman) and busy days of doing something at a bank (Johnny) and sitting on the couch (Lisa).

Lisa grows tired of Johnny, despite him wanting to buy her a bloody house and treating her like a queen, and begins to cheat on him with his best friend Mark (Greg Sestero). In case you’ll forget Mark’s relationship with Johnny, the characters will kindly inform you every five or so minutes, unless they talk about how “beautiful” and “sexy” Lisa is. Lisa reveals her infidelity to her mom Claudette (Carolyn Minnott) in about 5 scenes that are precisely the same: the two of them discussing it and Claudette opossing it to no avail. Shortly before their wedding, Johnny discovers the truth.

From left to right: Lisa, Denny and Johnny.

There is come confusion as to who is the good guy here. Is Lisa the bad one for cheating on Johnny, or is it Johnny who is clearly shown abusing Lisa and at times being mean to her? Is Mark the good guy? Not really. It sure as hell isn’t that sociopathic freak Denny, so who is it that I’m supposed to sympathize with? Even though Claudette is the best performed character in the film, she isn’t terribly likable either, nor are pointless, random characters like Lisa’s equally bitchy friend Michelle (Robyn Parris), that Chris-R dude (Dan Janjigian) or Johnny’s friend Mike (Mike Holmes) who tries to save the film with deliberately ridiculous overacting.

Oh, I forgot to mention the plot involving Chris-R, the guy who at some point sold drugs to Denny, we’re told. This plotline is given one scene. No kidding. Just the one! Meanwhile, the plot involving Claudette’s breast cancer is given nothing more than a brief line of dialogue. You must allow me to quote another reviewer who was spot-on when pointing out that no character in the film says or does anything that is relevent to anything else.

Wiseau is a filmmaker who, by this film alone, is proven an icompetent yet bizarrely passionate one with absolutely no idea what he’s doing. Believe it or not, though; he is still around and he is still obliviously terrible and weird in the most amusing way. But everyone knows that.

Truly, I’m not sure why I decided to give this film a review. It is an infamously awkward and phenomenally stupid disaster of a film that’s been ripped apart by hundreds of critcs and made fun of by thousands of people on the web since its 2003 premiere and even moreso after the folk at Adult Swim exposed it to the public in 2009 (If you’ve seen the whole film, I must advice you to play the game on Newgrounds, by the way). We all know what an impact it left. We all know how unintelligible Wiseau is and how his non-existent command of the English language affected his script. We know all the horrible, sometimes endlessly repeated lines; “Oh hi, Johnny”, “Don’t worry about it”, “I did not hit her…”, “Oh hi, Lisa”, “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART LISA!”, “Oh hi, Mark”, “Oh hi, doggy” and so on and so forth.

Johnny asks Mark about his sex life. No, really!

What I’m saying is that most of us know this movie and we’ve all grown to outright admire how unusually and fascinatingly awful everything about it is, how laughably unrealistic the characters are, how sudden and totally pointless the random plot twists are, how unbelievably awful the acting is, and how the dialogue sounds like it was written by – let’s be honest – a weird-looking, English-challenged idiot whose view on good filmmaking is as upside-down as the people of Australia. Yet none of this means that you – if you’ve missed out on this film – should skip it. You need to not only see The Room, but you should also sit back and enjoy what this film has to offer in terms of spoofs, video reviews, tributes, RiffTrax and countless other things. It is a journey not soon forgotten.

Indeed, to Wiseau’s credit, he has created something unforgettable. Not in the way he so dearly wished, but he did it. The day this film emerged was a significant moment in the history of cinema. The day a worthy candidate for “The World’s Worst Movie” appeared. The day we got what might very well be the most memorably, quotably and entertainingly bad film in existence – The Room.

I’m giving this film a 0/5, but that does not mean I wish you to avoid it. Most people have seen this, yes, but if you haven’t you most certainly should. I love it. Yes, I said it. I absolutely adore this film. I know all the silly lines, I know all the wondrously awkward scenes and I know all the laughs the film has inspired. It is, in its own surreally awful way, a masterpiece. Now I shall slip into my finest tux and play some football.

0/5 whatever