What I’m not phenomenally interested in is bashing Justin Bieber himself, which is what all typical haters do. I wouldn’t call myself a hater since I’m not as interested in Justin Bieber as I’m interested in how fascinatingly stupid the majority of his fanbase tend to be, particularly the way they attempt to defend him from the onslaught of the haters.

What really interests me are the tweens. Those who idolize Bieber. Those who obsess over him to the point of absolute insanity. Those who vow to, at any cost, vanquish every Bieber-hater – in fact, any person with a different opinion than them – on this very planet… by passing a Facebook status around. Huzzah.

Yes, many tweens seem to be in agreement that a good way of handling haters – or, again, just people with a different opinion in general – is to pass around a Facebook-status in defense of Bieber. “Copy this and put it on your status if you respect Bieber” and such. But a short message like that isn’t always enough. There are longer ones, such as the one I’ve decided to do a commentary on below. I can’t sleep and I’m bored. What can ya do?

“You say he is gay but he has a girlfriend?”

No I don’t. Metrosexual and gay aren’t the same thing.

“You say he’s ugly but millions of girls have posters of him?”

I love how it’s a popular belief amongst tweens that just because they think something and show it by putting up posters everywhere like unsettlingly obsessed lunatics, that’s somehow supposed to make their opinions fact. Try writing reviews like me, kids. Posters ain’t gonna make it look like ya know anything.

“You say he’s weak but he kept singing even though he broke his foot?”

Oh my! Bieber hurt his foot but gosh darn it, he kept on singing, causing hundreds of thousands of tweens to freak out entirely. Ohmigod! Amazing! Yeah, nevermind all that crazy, unbelievable stuff Marilyn Manson did to himself on stage. Now Justin Bieber, that’s a real champion!

Jeez.

“You say he’s heartless? Just litsen to his song ‘Pray’!”

Firstly: no, I will not “litsen” to that! Secondly: what? Out of all the things you can critique Bieber for, why would anyone claim he’s heartless? The guy’s a sweetheart who loves his grandparents and is scared of Scooby Doo… for some reason.

“You say he’s terrible and a failiure and yet he is one of the most famous people on the planet?”

I wouldn’t say his fame comes from talent as much as it comes from the peculiar fondness you tweens all have of metrosexual singers.

“Put this on your status if you’re against Bieber-haters!”

No.

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