This one’s worth skipping.

It’s ‘Twilight.’ What can I tell ya?

First of all, I would like to point out that I did not watch this because a girl forced me to do it or somesuch, but because I simply wanted something to review. Promise!

Edward and Bella are on honeymoon in Brazil. Sex ensues.

Well, it has finally happened. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, directed by Bill Condon, is here and the event that millions of excited tweens (not those on Team Jacob, I trust) have been anticipating for three tedious films and three idiotic books has finally taken place – the marriage between cold and dull teenager Bella Swan and pretentious sparkly vampire Edward Cullen! Ooh, so exciting! It means another idiotic movie experience for people like me, but still: weeh.

Even as the film opens it isn’t making sense. Despite the relationship between the three (Need I mention the silly love triangle?), for some inexplicable reason Jacob the werewolf (Taylor Lautner) is invited to attend Edward and Bella’s wedding with his dad (Gil Birmingham). The wedding itself, what can I say? You’d think the couple would be filled with joy, right? Yeah well, instead Edward (Robert Pattinson) stands there with a forced, faint smile as Bella (Kristen Stewart) walks down the aisle, smile just as non-existent as always. How romantic. So they get married, have sex and Bella gets pregnant with what might be a monstrous mix between human and vampire. I swear, if she gives birth to Blade, this moronic franchise could still become good!

The fetus grows quickly and it might kill her if she doesn’t become a vampire herself, at last. Without really discussing it with Bella, Edward decides that they should get rid of the baby as soon as possible. Meanwhile, the leader of Jacob’s werewolf clan, Sam Uley (Chaske Spencer) fears for the worst and wants to kill Bella before the abominable baby enters this world. Jacob, who still has feelings for her, does what Edward doesn’t: talks to Bella about it and wishes the best for her. He later goes to the Cullen house, vowing to protect Bella and Edward. All Hell breaks loose; teen girls squeal with excitement; boyfriends take naps.

Don’t ask me how Edward got it up. Y’know, being dead and all. Man, more and more these films start to resemble the wet dream of a necrophilic maniac who is also turned on by wolves. Ew.

Things start to look grim for Bella; she’s afraid. Stewarts’s performance just doesn’t show it.

As per usual, the supporting cast includes Peter Facinelli as Edward’s relative Carlisle Cullen,  Billy Burke as Charlie Swan, a hammy Michael Sheen and others. A book series tends to have many characters, after all. Most hilarious is Booboo Stewart as Jacob’s friend Seth. I can’t stop laughing at that actor’s name, I just can’t. Was the father named Yogi?

An early scene shows Edward watching an old, classic horror film at a theater. Considering what ridiculous rubbish Stephanie Meyer has made up about vampires so far, I don’t believe she has actually seen any of those films.

But it is useless at this point to talk even more about Stephanie Meyer’s cluelessness when it comes to vampire mythology and about how Bella seems to love Edward solely for his physique, in spite of his non-existent personality, his unnerving “creepy stalker”-vibes, the constant danger that seems to surround him and his revolting David Lynch-hair. (Don’t get me wrong; that sort of hair still looks awesome on Lynch!) Instead I shall simply talk about the problems this installment in particular has.

I must agree with another critic’s review which stated how wrong it is for a Twilight-movie to bring up something as serious as abortion, because if you’re going to talk about abortion you better know what you’re talking about. Stephanie Meyer doesn’t understand vampires, teens, werewolves etc., etc. so why bring up abortion when you’ve made it clear to everyone but the tweens that you know absolutely nothing about absolutely everything? Not a good idea.

Handsome Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black. He doesn’t like shirts a lot.

Many scenes in Breaking Dawn – Part 1 try to be cool (like a werewolf scene where wolf-Jacob talks to his tribe) and romantic (like the sex scene) but manage only to be laughable. Also, the acting is still poor, from Pattinson and Stewart especially, the action is usually too dim and the whole thing is stupidly written, both when it comes to story, characters and their dialogue. Did I like anything? Yes, Billy Burke as Bella’s father is fun as always and the cinematography and music has its momemt. Not enough so to make me give this film anything above 1.5/5, though.

Sometimes I wonder, with all these problems in the whole Twilight Saga, do tweens eventually learn to recognize them? Is there ever a moment during a tween’s Twilight-fandom when she actually stops and thinks “Hey, THAT didn’t really make sense”? Perhaps when they’re older, I hope, but then they’ll just start watching True Blood instead. As far as I know, Breaking Dawn (Part 2 comes in 2012) will be the end of the franchise; an end which I’m awaiting with anticipation.

“You are traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of inane writing and whiny emo-teens, but of vampires that sparkle. A journey into a wondrous land of naked male chests. Next stop, The Twilight Saga!” (Laugh. I’m funny.)

1.5/5 whatever.