This one works as punishment!

Amanda Seyfried seems ashamed throughout the film. Understandably so.

Moronic; truly a laughable concept

I imagine many of you wondering why I am posting a review of this film now, several months after its release. Well, for the same reason I reviewed Eraserhead 35 years after its release: I review films whenever I damn please. I haven’t written about Limitless or Battle: Los Angeles yet, but I most likely will. With that said, let’s start…

Catherine Hardwicke was evidently delighted that tweens enjoyed her insipid adaptation of an equally insipid novel, Twilight, and so she decided to make the same movie again, using characters from a classic fairy tale. Thus was born Red Riding Hood, a film that shows just how fun Hollywood thinks it is to ruin classic stuff, such as fairy tales and vampire stories. I can understand vampires because girls can find them cool and sexy, but a child who delivers goods for her granny? I’m puzzled as to who thought even tween girls would be stupid enough to adore this idea?

Amanda Seyfried plays Valerie, because like most pieces of fanfiction this film needs to reveal the name of a once nameless character. Yes, Valerie is Red Riding Hood, my dear readers. She is a young woman who enjoys hunting and is also in love with a woodsman named Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) who looks an awful lot like Jacob Black. Her parents (Billy Burke and Virginia Madsen), however, want her to marry the son of the local blacksmith (Michael Shanks), a young man named Henry (Max Irons), who resembles Edward Cullen. You see yet why this is so obviously an even worse version of Twilight?

The village Valerie lives in, Daggerholm, has been plagued by werewolves for a long time and after such a monstrosity was recently killed by a priest named Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), he realises, upon noting that it never reverted back to its human form, as a werewolf does upon death, that they might be dealing with some other type of creature; something from their very own village.

Gary Oldman plays Father Solomon in ‘Red Riding Hood’.

This fairly uninteresting fantasy tale is woven together with the even less interesting love story between Valerie, Henry and Peter. Oh, and if Peter’s resebelance with Jacob Black wasn’t a dead giveaway that he’s to become a wolf later in the plot, that’s precisely what happens. He is bitten by the Big Bad Wolf, if you will. Yes, I am just as serious as whatever idiot thought this up.

I used the word fanfiction above, I believe. That’s not entirely fair as I suspect that even writers of fanfiction aren’t insane enough to want to do a crossover between the Brothers Grimm and Stephanie Meyer. Try describing this film to anyone who hasn’t heard of it. I’m sure they won’t be able to keep a straight face. Am I thinking too highly of Twilight fangirls when I presume that even they would laugh at this idea?

Red Riding Hood is an agonizingly terrible movie and non-sensical for so many reasons. Don’t ask me, for instance, why Henry obviously has hair-do, something I doubt existed during medieval times. Unconvincing sets and visuals, as well as poor performances and a truly ridiculous story aren’t exactly helping matters. Gary Oldman tries to save the film with the ocassional campy acting but even a man so great can do nothing in a situation like this.

To this film’s credit, it understands the mythology of the werewolf better than The Twilight Saga. Yes, the transformation only occurs as the moon is full, not when Jacob and his half naked friends feel like morphing into canines. That’s all I can say for the film.

Red Riding Hood attempts to be a dark and adult take on an old, classic story. As I watched it, not once was I under the impression that an adult actually came up with it.

Well, it took me a while but I finally endured Red Riding Hood. I’m glad i saw it because now maybe Breaking Dawn will seem like a masterpiece by comparison. I’m going to see that some time this week.

1/5 whatever.

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