This one works as punishment!

Crispin Glover as Willy, as in male genitalia, because that’s funny.

Despicable; first class garbage

If only someone would’ve been kind enough to explain to Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg what an “epic movie” is. Perhaps then at least the title of Epic Movie would have made sense. I could never assume the film would’ve been less dreadful even if it did parody epics, though; not when these two morons are in charge.

Seltzer and Friedberg are two of my most detested filmmakers. They will constantly make films that are almost so bad they’re good but only reach far enough to be some of the most painfully poor and deplorable comedies in the history of cinema. Expect no plot or actual jokes from their movies; expect only references to big movies and characters from said movies doing absolutely nothing of any importance or even faint funniness. Plagiarism is mistaken for satire and references are mistaken for jokes – that’s all there ever is.

The movie’s almost invisible plot focuses on the four kids from Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, although here they’re obviously not children. They all win a Golden Ticket so that they can visit the chocolate factory of Willy Wonka (Crispin Glover). Why a Charlie And The Chocolate Factory-reference? Oh, no reason; the writers are just idiots. I’ll just tell you quickly where the kids are from, I.E. what shallow parodies they’re from. Peter Pervertski (Adam Campbell) lives in an X-Men-esque school, Lucy Pervertski (Jayma Mays) comes from a DaVinci Code-spoof and is therefor being chased by the albino monk Silas (Kevin Hart), Susan Pervertski (Faune A. Chambers) resides in Snakes On A Plane-world and Edmund Pervertski (Kal Penn) is from a spoof of Nacho Libre. Yes, they’re trying to spoof a comedy with Jack Black. How empty-headed can two directors get?!

Wait, are the Pervertskis (Durr hurr! They have the word ‘pervert’ within their surname. Hurr!) supposed to be siblings? Siblings of totally different nationalities and race? Come on, can’t at least something make sense in this film? Anything?

Can’t say there’s a valid reason for this scene or anything.

Oh well, they go to Willy Wonka, who turns out to be a homicidal maniac with intentions of using the Pervertskis in his candy. They escape to Gnarnia, through some random wardrobe, where The White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) has taken over. Gnarnia, White Bitch; if you’re laughing at any of this then I do feel genuine pity towards you. I don’t get why I’m writing in detail about what happens in the movie. All you need to know is that they just run into poorly written parodies of Harry Potter, Jack Sparrow, Scarface and even Borat. Because when I think of an ‘epic movie’ I think about a perverted arab in a mankini.

“What did you find great about Airplane! and Top Secret!?” Seltzer probably asked someone. “Oh, they were delightfully off-the-wall and random and goofy” someone answered. “What do you find great about South Park?” Friedberg might’ve asked somebody else. “I mostly love it when they’re lampooning and poking fun at stuff” the guy probably responded. And so they came to the conclusion: “Randomness and pop culture references, eh? Let’s throw in some poop and boobs too! That’s all we need!”

I’ve seen many bad comedies in my life; people like Adam Sandler and Rob Scneider have provided me with many of them. But there is something unique about the way Seltzer and Friedberg fail at creating films. It is unbelievably rare that jokes can get this miserably bad, that plagiarism can be this despicably unthought out, that a parody-film can be this pathetically random and otherwordly in its formidable loathesomeness. I’m aware that there exist a few people who enjoyed Epic Movie; someone even said it was the same thing as Airplane!, anyway – you know, a goofy, random comedy. Well kid, the difference is that Airplane! had a story, much more inventive randomness, much smarter parody-jokes and directors who had more than two brain cells in their little heads (Friedberg has one, Seltzer has the other).

Epic Movie is immature, unintelligent and deplorable in ways that I just cannot properly describe. I can’t really say it is common that I abhor one movie with such passion; it’s one of the worst films ever made, for certain, and I feel rather sorry for most of the people involved with it, such as David Carradine and Kevin McDonald. As for Crispin Glover and Carmen Electra – well, one of them seems to enjoy being in these worthless spoof-films and the other one made What Is It?, so no great pity there, I s’pose.

This is certainly a bottom-of-the-barrel movie; it even tries furiously to scrape through the bottom and reach beyond crappiness. Y’know, it may have succeeded, even. Isn’t that terrific?

0.5/5 whatever!

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