This one works as punishment!

Headache-inducing; mind-boggingly idiotic

John Turturro and Shia LaBeouf discover that the government has been covering up something from the past, related in some way to the Transformers, all whilst unfunny, immature, idiotic jokes are made by wooden and/or racial stereotype-characters, as colourful but more or less incomprehensible action sequences occur around them. There you have the premise for each Transformers-film thus far.

Optimus Prime and Frances McDormand discuss the Ark (thankfully it has nothing to do with Ola Salo).

At this point we’ve seen robots urinating oil, robots that hump Megan Fox’ leg, robots with testicles, stereotypically black robots and John Turturros ass. How can it get worse? The answer: add some 3D.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon opens, suprisingly enough, with a narration by Optimus Prime, voiced by Peter Cullen. The opening sequence reveals to us that the Apollo 11-mission was actually to investigate the Ark, a Cybertron spaceship on the far side of the moon. In it is Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy), the Transformer who was the leader of the Autobots during the Cybertron-war. It was not until present day that Optimus was actually informed by the U.S. government that the Ark was discovered 50 years ago. For some reason.

Meanwhile, the story of Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) unfortunately continues; he has a different grilfriend now (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley instead of Megan Fox), is looking for work and leads a life which seems pretty much fine. But instead he continues to whine about how the guy who helped save the world twice deserves much better. *Groan*. He also lives together with his annoying little Transformer-sidekick Wheelie (Tom Kenny) from Revenge of The Fallen and HIS annoying sidekick Brains (Reno Wilson). Already I want to kill everyone in the film.

It eventually turns out that the evil Megatron (Hugo Weaving) is still out there with a small band of Decepticons, who not only recruit some humans to help them with their next plan, but also are revealed to be allied with Sentinel Prime. Together they will rebuild Cybertron, enslaving and perhaps later exterminating man kind in the process. In order to find this all out, Sam, because he’s still being a bitch about not getting to save the world with the Autobots (UGH!!!), contacts Agent Simmons (John Turturro) who is now rich and retired. Together they discover what is about to happen.

One of Megatron’s Decepticon ships, attacking Chicago.

Other, mostly pointless roles and characters include John Malkovich as Sam’s boss, Alan Tudyk (of Firefly fame) as Simmons’ right hand, Charles Adler as Starscream, Frances McDormand as some mean government-y person, various underdeveloped Autobots, Kevin Dunn and Julie White as Sam’s unbearably annoying parents, Josh Duhamel as Colonel Lennox, Tyrese Gibson as Robert Epps, Patrick Dempsey as Sam’s girlfriend’s boss and Ken Jeong as what might very well be the most despicably unfunny Asian stereotype I’ve seen in a film ever. Is this honestly how Michael Bay sees the world?

Sam’s new girlfriend has no purpose. She’s just there so that Michael Bay can film her breasts and buttocks and show Megan Fox how much better and sexier he thinks this new girl is.

Even Optimus Prime frustrated me in this film; there is a scene towards the end where one of his enemies switches sides and saves his life. Optimus proceeds to kill – yes, kill – his savior and mercilessly does the same to the defenseless enemy that was trying to destroy him earlier. You know you’ve fucked up bad when you make a Transformers-movie where even Optimus is a terrible character!!!

The action scenes are as incoherent and irritating as they are uninteresting. The uninteresting bit is how the film copies its predecessors so perfectly that you literally know precisely what will happen, who will do what and when, and the irritating bit is the ugliness of the robots which are detailed in ridiculous ways that make them look like indistinguishable piles of garbage that drool and bleed and do other stupidly pointless things. If you want to see extensively detailed CGI done right, then Rango is the movie for you.

Above I used the word incoherent to describe the action in Transformers 3; even if it is easier to see what’s going on this time around, there were still moments where I hadn’t a clue who was doing what, who all the characters were and who was winning. Should I be happy or sad? Well, I’ll be sad no matter who wins because all those explosions and incomprehensible fights get abominably annoying and tiresome after a good 15 minutes or so.

Speaking of visuals, how was the 3D; wasn’t it supposed to be unusually good in this film? Yes it was, no it’s not. It’s not as dim as usual, sure, but as 3D never really works for me anyways, that means it did nothing aside from making me wear those bloody glasses!

Michael Bay has created a Transformers-movie that had me yawning during the action scenes, cringing at the view of the stereotypical world Bay sees around him, loathing the characters, INCLUDING Optimus Prime (!), sighing at the asinine jokes and just wishing for an ending as soon as possible! In order to screw something up this badly you need great effort!

Long story short: this movie is a piece of shit – ugly, headache-inducing, IQ-exempt shit! If you want only boobies and explosions then you will like this film, in which case I also pity you greatly.

1/5 whatever

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